Wikisource:WikiProject Film/Intertitles from GeoCities/Don't Change Your Husband

Don't Change Your Husband 1 This does not deal with the tread of victorious Armies, nor defeated Huns - but is just a little sidelight on the inner life of Mr. and Mrs. Porter - who found that they should not have looked for their mar- ital troubles with a Telescope - but with a Microscope.

2 James Denby Porter, who, through complete absorp- tion in his business, has lost his Romance - and his Waistline.

Elliott Dexter.

3 Leila Porter, who finds her Husband's habits - after several dull gray years of matrimony - getting slightly on her nerves.

Gloria Swanson.

4 "Keeps out the moths, Dear!"

5 "Jim, do you know what day tomorrow will be?"

6 "Thursday, the 19th."

7 "I don't mean that - doesn't tomorrow mean anything - special?"

8 "By Jove, I've got a note due at the First National - glad you reminded me!"

9 "Toodles" Thomas who believes in signs - especially the Dollar Sign.

Julia Faye.

10 Fortunately, the Guests at Leila's Wedding Anniver- sary Dinner include: The Bishop - Theodore Roberts. Mrs. Huckney - Sylvia Ashton. And unfortunately, the lat- ter's Nephew, Schuyler Van Sutphen - Lewis J. Cody.

11 "Jade?"

12 "There's an Ancient Chi- nese Tradition that when two people drink from Jade - their lives, thereafter, will run in the same path!"

13 "I'm afraid it couldn't be - the straight and narrow path!"

14 "I knew you were expect- ing Mr. Porter for dinner - and thought I had better let you know that he is very busy at a meeting."

15 "Mr. Porter has been detained - we won't wait."

16 "Better Late than Never" - IF you haven't forgotten your Wedding Anniversary!

17 "Bring me some onions!"

18 "Very sorry - but him asked for onions!"

19 With the Cordial.

20 "To the Wedding Anniversary!"

21 "Secretary have come."

22 "Leila - Jim regards you a little too much like an old shoe. Why not come down to my place for the week-end, and give him a chance to miss you?"

23 "Sorry to have robbed you of the little gift, Bishop - but I'll square it with a check for your Widows and Orphans!"

24 Hours later when he wearily seeks his Bed -

25 And when, a little later, she magnanimously decides to forgive him - she bumps squarely into a situation which has baffled Womankind for Centuries!

26 "Snoring!"

27 Why is it that a Man who will run no risk with his Business - will run every risk with his Wife?

28 "I'm sorry, Dear, that in the rush at the office, I forgot our Anniversary - but perhaps this will help some!"

29 "It will be a nice change for you - why don't you go?"

30 "Pack my trunk, Marie - I'll spend the week- end with Mrs. Huckney."

31 Giving "Hubby" a Chance to "Miss" her.

32 "Mrs. Porter should be here now - any minute!"

33 "Comparisons are  Odious."

34 "Pack my bag - I'm going to Mrs. Huckney's in the morning!"

35 The Dangers of a Fancy Dress Ball lurk as in- sidiously behind the merri- ment as a Serpent under Rose Leaves - its very Romance is Temptation! At least so discovered Van Sutphen and Leila.

36 "Come on up - the Costumes for tonight have come!"

37 "How would I look as a King?"

38 "If I were King - I'd bring you three priceless Gifts: 'Pleasure' - "Wealth" and 'Love' - and the first should be 'Pleasure'!"

39 "Next, I would bring you the 'Wealth' of the Universe: Chests of smoldering Rubies, And Chains of virgin Pearls - Sapphires, blue as Midnight, And Emeralds clear as light - Shimmering Silks and Fabrics As soft as your own Curls! "

40 "And lastly - I bring you the greatest gift of all - 'Love'! Without which 'Pleas- ure' and 'Wealth' are of no avail!"

41 The safe refuge of his dependable Arms, at this time, might have set her worried heart straight if only -

42 "Onions, Jim - how could you?"

43 "I've just run down to take Leila back with me, tonight."

44 "He can't take you home now - on ac- count of the Ball!"

45 "But I haven't any- thing to wear!"

46 "Here's a Costume that will just fit you - why not go as 'Folly'?"

47 "For the Apparel oft proclaims the Man - "

48 "Jim, tights were meant to be tight - don't you see how Schuyler has his?"

49 The Dangerous Alchemy of a Pretty Woman - and a Blind Husband.

50 "No thoroughfare - to 'Romeos'!"

51 "With Love's Light Wings did I o'erperch these Walls!"

52 "You sly old dog! Tell me who she is - if I'm to buy you a wedding present!"

53 "I don't know where Leila is - but I'm like a fish out of water at a dance, and I'm going up to bed."

54 "Nothing on earth can keep you from me, Leila - not even yourself!"

55 The Cross Roads.

56 "Why should you blame me for trying to get what another man is too fond of onions to try to keep!"

57 "Jim, I know it will hurt you - but I can't stand this 'corn beef and cabbage' existence any longer!"

58 "May I sleep in the Blue Room, Dear - the night is so close!"

59 The Open Cage.

60 "I caught Schuyler with the Goods last night - and here's a Souvenir!"

61 "What would you say, Jim, if I were to tell you that I'm desperately un- happy - and that I want my freedom!"

62 "I love you, Leila - but I won't hold you one minute longer than you want to stay!"

63 The Mind has a thousand Eyes - The Heart but one! Yet the Light of a whole life dies - When Love is gone!

64 "Jim - a woman wants some- thing besides mere personal comfort! She doesn't want a man to bury himself in a news- paper at every meal - nor to allow himself to get soft and fat - nor to kiss her invariably after eating onions!"

65 Freed at last from the many chains that bound her, and married to her romantic "King of Dreams" - Leila finds that it would have been much better to cure those matrimonial ills she had - than fly to others that she knew not of.

66 "Can't you find something to wear in the mornings, Leila, besides that queer Oriental junk?"

67 "At Thirty, Man suspects    himself a fool - Knows it at Forty -   And reforms his plan."

68 "Perhaps you like onions - better!"

69 To her dismay, Leila real- izes that the habits of "Kings of Dreams" are as bad - or worse - than the "Garden Variety" of Husband.

70 [interspersed with bars of music] "If this be forgetting,

you're right, Dear - And

I have forgotten you then!"

71 "If you're sure, Schuyler, that this will really help your business - I'll give you the last of my jewels!"

72 The Eternal Feminine.

73 "Murray Hill 1132."

74 "My old dress is so shabby, Schuyler, that I'm getting a new suit - may I go as high as $150.00?"

75 "I'm sorry, Leila, but I'm too hard up at this time - can't you let the dress go until a little later?"

76 "Murray Hill 1132."

77 "I'm over at the tailor's - my clothes are posi- tively in rags - and I've got to have a new suit."

78 "All right 'Toodles' - you can have it!"

79 "I've finally decided on this one, Mr. Frankel. Please charge it to my husband - Mr. Schuyler Van Sutphen!"

80 Fate sometimes lurks in Christ- mas Shopping.

81 "It's good to see you, Leila! Can't I give you a lift home?"

82 "Old Wood to Burn - old Wine to Drink - old Friends to Trust!"

83 "Mr. Van Sutphen just 'phoned - and said not to expect him for dinner, as he has an important business engagement!"

84 "Why don't you return and dine with Mrs. Huck- ney and me?"

85 The "Important Busi- ness Engagement".

86 Of those external forces which combine to make us what we are, DRESS is the most potent. It covers our ideas no less than our bodies - until we finally become the thing we look to be.

87 "Do you remember the Christmas I gave you those cuff links, Jim - and how I never could make you dress up and wear them!"

88 "You were a dear to remember that I loved orchids!"

89 "Dinner is served."

90 "Have you forgotten, 'Bingo', that day after tomorrow is Christmas!""

91 "That ring is going to be pawned to pull me out of a certain financial 'hole' - but you can wear it for tonight!"

92 "The Gown - the Fan - the Head-dress! All the costume complete, ex- cept the Ring - I miss my solitaire, Leila!"

93 "I'll tell you what's become of your solitaire, Jim: my Nephew is in financial diffi- culty - and Leila has given him her jewels!"

94 "To think that I held Paradise in my arms - and didn't know enough to keep it!"

95 Seeking diversion from his wretched thoughts - thoughts of a dead Yes- terday - and a Forbidden Woman.

96 "If you want a good laugh, watch the dame with Van Sutphen - she's cleaned him out!"

97 "I'll buy it!"

98 "That ring doesn't belong to you - and I'm going to see that this money reaches the rightful owner!"

99 "You'll come home to your wife for a little busi- ness talk - or you'll find no wife when you get there!"

100 "Some drop from a six carat diamond to a hundred dollar bill - eh, 'Toodles'?"

101 Even Money.

102 "I bumped into your hus- band at the club, and pur- chased your ring from him - but he thinks you'd bet- ter handle the money."

103 "You thought you could shake me, didn't you - well you can't! I've come to get some of that money - or I'll spill the whole mess to the Papers!"

104 "I figure that I've got something coming - and I came here to get it!"

105 "Don't misunderstand - he owed you something - and you are paid! He promised me a few things, too, such as Love and Pro- tection - and he didn't pay! Let's only one of us be cheated."

106 "They're all alike, Dearie - you can't trust any of 'em!"

107 "Leila, if the time ever comes that you change your mind - my home and my name are waiting for you!"

108 "Don't you think you've done damage enough - without sneaking in behind my back and trying to make love to my wife!"

109 "Your trouble is your sense of humor - how about the flowers you sent Leila when she was my wife? You stole her love from me - but I'm going to try my damnedest to win it back!"

110 "It isn't for you to say, Schuyler, what is - or is not - to be done! When I have made up my mind - I shall let you know."

111 "I'm not going to give you a chance to brow-beat Leila into making up her mind! And what's more - I won't leave this house until she has made her choice!"

112 "You need a little more practice, Young Man!"

113 "I'm going to wire for your same old Suite - at Reno!"

114 And with the Summer - she comes to learn that "Many Waters cannot      quench Love - Neither can the Floods       drown it!"

115 "Do you know that if I were King - I'd bring you three priceless Gifts: 'Pleasure' - "Wealth" and 'Love' - and the first should be 'Pleasure'!"

116 "Jim - do you know what day tomorrow will be?"

117 "Of course I know - it's our Wedding Anniversary - we've been married a month, tomorrow!"

118 And now you know what every Woman comes to know - that Husbands, at best, are pesky brutes; and at worst - are unfit for publication!

THE END.

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