User:SnowyCinema/Book/Letters by the first troll

These are the letters written by the first ever Internet "wireless" troll in history. Too bad he's a fictional character, but at least he's the first CONCEPTION of a troll over wireless technology.


 * First ever conceptualization of trolling: 1909, when the book was published

Respect is Needed for the Original Troll
To the Police, Press, and Public:—

As I have consistently taken the greatest pains, and have repeatedly subjected myself to great personal inconvenience as well as often permitted myself to suffer substantial losses to protect the persons and to preserve the respect and confidence of my chosen clientele, I am exceedingly pained and grieved in observing the stupid, insulting, and libellous manner in which the press and police have interpreted my visit at the Devonshire Inn last night.

Irrespective of my personal sensibility, I feel that I owe to those whom I hope from time to time to add to my clientele, that they should not feel the entirely unnecessary and ​unwarranted alarm over my visits which these stupid and libellous reports, if left uncorrected, would cause them to suffer.

Therefore, I wish to state—and this statement can be verified at the end of two weeks when S.S. Bahia reaches Rio de Janeiro, for which port she sailed with Mr. Hareston from Plymouth at midnight last night—that I neither committed a murder nor made a murderous assault upon Mr. Hareston at the Devonshire Inn.

In fact, if I had appreciated that he had been drinking heavily and was very drunk when he disturbed me during my visit, I would gladly have retired quietly, as I have done more than once before when anything involved a personal contact, however harmless. But he himself prevented that by a direct attack upon me. However, I took such care of him even after he had grappled with me, that I even permitted myself to be slightly hurt to save him a more serious wound. So the stains which appear to have alarmed and misled the ​police are from a slight cut which he inflicted upon me, not from any hurt to him.

And after I had quieted him, I would have been glad to have been able to leave him in his rooms; but he had thoughtlessly turned on the lights before attacking me, and so made it impossible for me to leave him where he could give my description to the police in the morning.

But, although I was obliged to remove him, I never for a moment considered the cruel and clumsy way which seems to have occurred to the police. Instead, I took him with me as carefully as though he were just a tipsy friend, and put him aboard the Bahia, where I insured him the best care by explaining to the stewards that he was a rich American planter in Brazil. I even bought him a private cabin at a price which considerably cut into my profits for the evening, and saw him comfortably in bed and carefully restrained there by the steward before I left him and—the ship sailed for Brazil.

For the two weeks until this statement of the circumstances can be confirmed by cable, I ask the indulgence of the public.

Faithfully,

.

P.S.: They see me trollin', they hatin'.

The Original Troll's Confession


Dear Mr. Preston, I am giving my whole last evening to this for you, dear chap, for I fear many things must be explained. But to be fair to you, let me assure you that you are far from the first person I have poggled up for profit. Nor must you imagine that I misled you in all matters.

Actually, as I told you, dear chap, an ancestor of mine—who got together quite a fortune in rather devious ways, I fear—repented before he died and took a tour of all the cathedrals in the Kingdom. And, exactly as I told you, he enjoined this practice upon his descendants and made it perpetual with the property. A bit more perpetual than the property, indeed; for, when the entail got down to me, about all I could see in it was my pious ancestor's promise of sure profit for me in making a tour of the cathedrals.

Of course, I'd been living by my talents for ten years or so before this. In my time, ​I've done my bit of almost everything, and picked up more than a few tricks like telegraphing, etc., to help on in my trade. But just this spring I made a slight slip, which made it advisable for me to shave my mustache, change my name, and strike for something new. So, when I looked about a bit and saw how you Americans were travelling about the cathedral towns and, at the same time, my uncle passed on to me the hereditary assurance that I would find sure profit from touring these towns, I thought I would try it.

I must say that, from the first, the profits of the tour exceeded my most sanguine expectations—especially since they could be so easily taken. Of course, I had to keep myself from being suspected. And, obviously, both the safest and surest way to turn away suspicion from one is to turn it upon some one else. So, you see, I have merely been carrying out with you, Mr. Preston, the first law of larceny, viz., see that some one else is suspected; the rest is infantile.

Even before St. Albans, I noted your extraordinary actions in the cathedral cities, and, though I suspected its true explanation, I saw how extraordinarily useful you might become to me. Therefore, I was careful to collect the different dividends of my tour only when you were conspicuously about, and let the logic of events take care of themselves.

When you joined with me at St. Albans, of course, it mightily simplified matters. And when I saw that you seemed to positively delight in the excitement of being suspected, I wrote the letter to the News at Ely, suggesting to the paper and to the police the simple theory of the thefts which they so thoroughly adopted. You will remember that my communication convinced them that an American was the fellow doing the robbing. So, when they wired about for confirmation of that theory, from every town where the thefts occurred, your name was immediately wired back. I, being an Englishman, was not noted in this connection.

I may say further, that the decided interest which I had myself already taken in the part I was playing against you was only increased by the lively defence of you by the delightful young friend, Miss Varris, to whom you presented me at Ely. When I suggested to her the possible danger of trusting any chance acquaintance, she took issue hotly—and from that point, dear chap, it became more than a matter of security; it became a point of honor, also, to play the game out against her. And, though I really hated to rob so charming a young lady, I wished to test as soon as possible the sincerity of her assertions to me; and, therefore, I relieved them of their things in such a way that, if they themselves would not suspect you, they must, at least, throw the serious suspicion of the police upon you.

And now let me confess to you the very sincere admiration I felt for the young lady who not only proved herself sincere, but met me at once with a counterstroke, cleverer than ​mine, as she put into your hands the investigation I had started against you.

Obviously, dear chap, much as I would have liked to let up on you then, I could not cease with the honors so clearly in her hands. And by merely tracing down your luggage—after you wired for it—and by making my hauls in your convenient vicinity, I kept the police from myself by still keeping them after you. Of course, however consistently they kept at you, they could never get any proof against you.

During those weeks I was as careful to keep unobserved by you as by the police. But when I finally encountered you in Plymouth I was ready to leave England, and could use you better in closer and more conscious—co-operation with me, I might say.

I was very glad, then, to meet you at breakfast and find out exactly how matters had been at your end. And I prepared and primed you, as you may remember, for the ​operations which were to follow. I need not say that I entered into the game with added zest when I found that my saucy but capable opponent was again at your side. And the next morning, in the train, though I felt that she was commencing to better formulate her ideas, I felt secure that she would not comprehend the instrument which alone seemed to threaten my immunity and freedom to leave the country—the "wireless." For, as I explained the operation of the "wireless" to her that morning, I did not point out the essential weakness of all "wireless" communication—the weakness which I had determined to employ, viz., the impossibility of any receiving station knowing from what source any messages come.

As I explained that morning to her, any "wireless" station can scatter waves in all directions and establish communication with any other station within a reasonable distance—but there is no certain way of identifying the waves from a certain station.

Therefore, as I had already recognized the dangerous possibilities contained in the "wireless," I did not forget the little aerials which hummed above me that night I put Mr. Hareston aboard the Bahia. In fact, I very scrupulously visited the "wireless" room and, by carefully removing a few plugs, effectively wrecked their resonators. And, having already prevented the "wireless" from being turned against me, I made it doubly safe by turning it against you, old chap.

Therefore, when we reached Polporru, and the police and all the town folk had assembled at the new "wireless" station, I simply entered the old station and, by graduating the current to give the effect of a ship answering off Land's End, I replied as the Bahia, and sent in your description in detail to the police. But one thing destroyed the full effect. In the train that morning, I saw that you had hurt your wrist, so I sent that along with the rest of your description. But that circumstance happened so to establish your innocence ​with Miss Varris that she cleared you at once with her clever alibi.

I did not find out that morning by precisely what means she again took the honors from me. But, as it was clear that she did, I was very glad, indeed, to find her with you upon this vessel to meet me in a final contest. And, really, I began to regret that to beat her I had constantly to take recourse to the "wireless," which she entirely mistrusted, I knew, but which she could not understand.

So, as she alone suspected me and yet could bring nothing against me, I was safe in employing the same simple weakness of the "wireless," which helped me so at Polporru.

The first "wireless" message—the one which warned the captain of my presence on board—came directly from shore and was bona fide. The succeeding messages, until the one from Nantucket, were mine, and manipulated in this simple manner:

Since the ship has but one "wireless" operator, he was often out of the cabin. Now, ​I had been given free access to the "wireless" room, and I was able to operate. Therefore, whenever I wished the captain to receive a message, I merely had to wait till I was left alone in the "wireless" room, and then send my message to the Hibernia, which was following us.

I informed the Hibernia that I was the shore operator with messages for this ship. I gave the message to the Hibernia then, and left. The Hibernia, believing she had really received a message for us from shore, then called us by "wireless" and sent back my message to the ship for our regular operator to take down.

In that way I composed a message to fit every occasion and had it arrive when I needed it. Of course, I took risks. Many passengers heard my sending. But the "wireless" room is away from the officers, and the others supposed our regular operator was at work.

As we approached the American side, I merely had to repeat the same operation via ​the St. Petersburg. And, dear old chap, believe me, I would not have put it over you so violently these last days—particularly have had you locked up as I did to-day—for the mere carrying out of my little game. As you know now, I had to do it to get off the ship myself. Really, I had no choice. For, you see, I rather feared, as it developed, that the beastly old Bahia had reached Brazil, and that my true description must be on the cables, even if our stupid police had not already gained it in England and cabled it across. Truly, I felt that I was cutting it a bit too fine unless I could have the police held off until after I landed. Therefore, dear chap, I had to lock you up. But, to compensate you for that as much as possible, I took care to have your really most wonderful friend, Miss Varris, held with you till you could read her this—if, as I scarcely believe, it may still be necessary. For I more than half suspect that this morning, though she was meek enough, she had begun to appreciate that the night before you had ​gone down to punch the head of the beastly, drunken boor, whom I sent to insult you; for I myself felt so certain that that would be your impulse—to punish him at once—that I followed him a bit ahead of you and, after collecting the pool, got away by the deck door just before you tramped in to reprove him.

But now, old chap, for America and—oh, I can't myself quite say what else yet, you know. But, dear old Preston, I am glad to leave you this to assuage the captain, the dutiful representative of Scotland Yard, and any others who may still be dubious about you—a company which, I hope, does not longer number—Miss Varris.

I am glad that my little game with us appears to have been of assistance in bringing about the happy result toward which I have really labored earnestly.

Again many, many thanks, my dear young friend, for the repeated service you have been to me. As I have used this name with you for the past few weeks, let me still remain

.

Dear P., believe me, I hated especially to have to use Miss Varris to perfect my plans the way I did—the anæsthetizing and robbing again, and all. Of course, I have no use for her things, which I am here returning. And finally, as my gift to you both and to make everything up to you both as well as I can, ask to see her rings. I might have trolled the fuck out of you both >:), but I still have some dignity, as, after all, I want my reputation as the first ever troll in history to be a rather decent one. So take my reward to you both, and let me continue my days of trollin', while they hatin'.