Translation:The Last Judgment: A Vision

____________

already lived many years in the world, and it had never entered my head that one could dream of such things as I shall presently describe. I had always enjoyed my usual pleasant sleep, and thought it was sufficient to shut my eyes and relax, when I read in a few books how the authors regretted that they must spend the hours of darkness as truly useless idlers, without being able to carry out their official duties as they slept, duties that required, so to speak, but a few waking hours; but it was surely impossible. Thanks to these hints an idea occurred to me concerning my own useless sleep, and I decided to correct the mistake I had hitherto been making by bringing together my waking and sleeping states, transforming them into a single continuous course – something, moreover, which I was much more likely to achieve than other men, because I already spent my waking hours dreaming and fantasizing, so that I had hardly anything to do but allow my imagination to get a little more out of control, and the thing would happen of itself. What prospects, I said to myself, might present themselves in this way! Not one more minute of your life need you spend in idleness or allow to elapse without purpose; you will be the first person who ever employed his sleeping hours usefully and industriously.

In the beginning, however, things did not turn out too well. Fearing that I would have as many normal dreams as useful ones, I failed to fall sleep on my first attempt: the matter was still too tough, so to speak, to be digested. I was quite out of sorts the following morning, and would have done better to have sat up and read a good book, for I was now so exhausted by my vigil that I had to sleep all the next day. Of course, I could not go to work now on such a tiring day, because it was so rare an occurrence, and in this way my efforts did more harm than good. Soon afterwards things turned out a little better for me, though I made the mistake of thinking, in the cold light of day, that they were mere trifles which I had dreamed, nothing but recapitulations of my activities and thoughts from the previous day, and which therefore could not be of much help to me; nevertheless, I was making slow but steady progress in this art, and I had to console myself with the fact that beginnings are always difficult.

As I made progress, I had the same problem again that upon waking I would forget the most beautiful dreams, or I would be so anxious to remember everything while I was dreaming that I had to wake up. Another time, it seemed as if I would remember everything pretty well, but by the time I had recalled everything correctly, it was day, and I might as well have remained awake, so that my clear awareness of the effort was wasted. In short, I realized how difficult it is to attain any degree of perfection and excellence in even the humblest of arts.

But through my repeated and continued efforts, I have now finally succeeded so well that I can almost dream whatever I want, so that I regularly assign myself in the evening a topic on which I meditate or which awakens ideas within me; so I lie down and execute my plan well, and as I sleep I hold my imagination in check and let no thought slip past which seems to me good and useful.

With the help of this exercise, I came to revise some books whose authors had preceded me in this field. I read The Dreams of Quevedo and those of his imitator Moscherosch, who wrote under the pseudonym Philander von Sittewalt and who greatly surpassed his predecessor. Without wishing to surpass either of them, I set myself as a theme a dream which both of them had dreamt and described, in order to see which path I would take, namely the Last Judgment, and as I have reproduced it here, the reader may compare it with those two; and lest I give offense, never forget that it is nothing but a dream in which the imagination continually overflows her banks and oversteps all her bounds and, so to speak, takes great pleasure in putting common sense’s nose out of joint – fortunately, however, it can tolerate a sound thrashing. As it is not uncommon for many thoughtful men to have communicated their thoughts on various matters to the public, I too will not neglect to write down my dreams in the future on divers subjects for those of an inquisitive frame of mind.

I had hardly fallen asleep when it seemed as if the whole world around me had acquired a new countenance: the trees were grimacing; the ponderous rocks and mountains appeared to be laughing; the rivers were flowing downstream with thunderous laughter; the flowers were opening and stretching themselves in all their colours, as though they were waking from a deep sleep. I suddenly felt as though the whole world and all its parts had become inflamed with a joyful awareness, and that a new light had touched the ancient sleepers, and had broken into all their strongly locked chambers and roused them from their sleep. What will be the upshot of it all? I asked myself. A brisk wind arose and went on its merry way through the meadows and mountains; the grass and foliage became greener; a lovely crimson flush coloured the spring, and the little woodbirds couldn’t behave strangely enough with their voices. While I was still wonderstruck, it felt exactly as though something were burrowing beneath my feet and striking the Earth’s core with a thousand pulses; the subterranean waters were striving with the internal fire; ores and rocks strove to contain the imminent outburst and prevent it from being born. The sun was high in the sky and beat down relentlessly, drying up with its rays the mountains and the streams, and the spirits of the world felt a primal yearning for the sun. Suddenly death and the forces of restraint had been removed from the whole of nature, and now all the wheels of the clock spun round violently and impetuously; torrents powerful and unstoppable rushed down the valleys; rocky fragments broke away and came to life like flowers; the green valleys rose up and sank down in waves. All the creative powers ran and raced up and down the veins of nature; the trees put forth buds and blossoms, and in an instant the fruit sprang forth; it fell from the stalk and the leaves withered, whereupon an early spring drew them forth again and urged them on, and so spring, summer, autumn and winter chased one another; the rushing torrents were held in check by the instantaneous ice, after which the plummeting waves came to life again. Thus nature frightened and inflamed herself; and finally the bud of time leapt and released eternity from its chains with a mighty sound; the veiled fire broke forth from all earthly things, and the eternal primordial element of light reigned once again over the depths, and all spirits flowed together into one spirit.

Now, the gently flowing streams leapt down in beautiful patterns, the waters a brilliant crystal, the flowers diaphanous, the grass silent green flames; on the surface of the earth precious stones and gold swam jubilantly; the sun beheld them joyfully and recalled their forgotten rays, which had been lost in deep shafts at the creation. All sounds became music and shouts of joy; all who were poor became rich; the discontented and the frightened all became happy and satisfied.

I was now no longer in doubt as to what it was that had occurred: it was in fact the so-called Last Judgment, which I had so often wished to experience without troubling myself to die. It had always been my wish, as it happened, that it might suddenly appear before my face while I was not even thinking of it. And just as it often happens that the almost impossible ideals and aspirations of young people come to pass, so too it turned out well for me one time without my needing to do anything about it myself – something that in fact occurs only rarely.

I was now expecting everything to take place the way it is always described with regard to this solemn occasion, and I was not mistaken, for it turned out approximately so. Entire hosts of angels and spirits moved through the transfigured air and a fiery throne was prepared for the judge, who sat down to judge the living and the dead. A great trump struck up, and between its notes there sounded voices so wonderful that my whole soul was shaken. It was not long before a number of colourful and strange characters appeared, jumping playfully and comically all over the place; it was just as if a cornucopia had poured forth the fabulous gods of ancient times; there were satyrs running with characters from Tartarus; gloomy Pluto moved amongst them, along with the Furies and the terrors of hell; but all had a somewhat devilish complexion, as they are usually depicted in mythology, so I could easily tell that things were now getting serious, and I was not a little anxious for myself. As I was still looking about me curiously and anxiously, I became aware of a very miserable figure amongst the satyrs, who was holding a rifle in his hands and pointing it at me, as if he were about to fire. Because one is usually childish and timid in dreams, I too was afraid of this marksman, and my fear was complete when he cried out: Here neither translation nor translated is allowed! A reference to the fact that in my initial excitement and rapture I had immediately asked a nearby devil about those two great figures Cervantes and Shakespeare. The gunman gradually squeezed the trigger with a threatening look, and I was terrified that the gun would go off at any moment, but as I was trying to edge away in silence, another fellow with horns grabbed me by the arms and shouted: ''Stay, you idler! How can you be afraid of this would-be satyr, whom none of us recognizes as such? At this, I said: Can’t you see then that he wants to set up his sniper’s nest here and take me for a game bird? But the latter said in turn: His rifle association has collapsed and been forgotten; also, he has never learned how to shoot; throughout his life he has contented himself with taking aim, firing and presenting arms; and on top of everything else, there are no bullets in his rifle, so he has exhausted his ammunition without ever having shot anyone.'' I asked him how then such innocent folk came to be in their company while wearing such frighteningly large ammunition pouches.

You must not marvel at that, the devil continued, all kinds of people always slip in amongst us who wish to be numbered amongst the devils rather than amongst the damned; but I hope the Last Judgment will put an end to these shenanigans, along with many others.

Now the ruling spirit of the World had to bring back to life all the dead and send them up from below, whereupon there arose on the Earth a mighty digging, shaking, rustling, stirring, sliding, bustling, conferring, seizing and speculating, as all the millions of dead creatures tried to come back to life and went to extraordinary lengths to get hold of their former souls again. As there were not enough souls to be found, there was much wheeling and dealing, and competition amongst the bodies and running after the immortal spirits – so much so that a councillor of commerce, who by chance had been the first to come back to life, clapped his hands in delight and wished for no greater bliss, provided that he should attain it.

Finally, a few hundred thousand had appeared and were standing there, looking around, not quite knowing what was to happen to them. Old Nicolai was still stuck in the ground and had absolutely no desire to come out, because he had heard that pure eternity was to begin now; he refused point blank to have anything to do with anything pure, because he had sworn an implacable hatred for the very concept. There was a great grasping and snatching of souls, but no one wanted to accept his own, so that one poor soul, spurned by her own body, despised by the rest, and blushing with shame, fluttered continuously around his stubborn body and implored him to stuff her into him; but he stubbornly dug himself even deeper into the stones and brazenly claimed that his constitution did not by any means permit him to return to such a pitiful existence again.

As the place became fuller and fuller, teeming more and more with new characters, who were continually coming back to life out of the earth, it soon began to give way, and some statisticians rejoiced loudly over the large population in Heaven, while attributing the causes of the population now to the climate, now to the constitution, which they undertook to study in order to unravel the mystery. Some who had been the kings went back and forth with delight among the bodies to set up conscription, whereby they had the advantage that every deceased soldier could come back to life and be useful for military service again. It does not matter, one general said, even if three quarters of this rabble should be condemned at the trial; it is all the better to make use of them afterwards, for they are already used to fire.

Some angels broke out into heavenly music and turned the whole wide atmosphere melodious; the inflamed tones embraced fervently and a powerful spirit of love pervaded the awakened eternity, playing in a childlike manner, so that the hearts of the pious were transfigured and opened up before the divine rays, whereby the melodies became inherent in them and they kissed one another with their thirsting souls. The air sighed in response and sang like a bride, and wonderful harmonies were thrown out like sparks and rained down golden in glorious arches and vibrations. The full-voiced choir of angels was rapt and sang a jubilant song and played merrily and happily on their heavenly instruments. But some musicians, just awakened, cried out in the midst of it: ''Oh, nonsense! Where’s the expression? What sensation is that meant to represent? Give me the words of the text, so that I can understand the music, and interpret and appraise it.'' And when the elements now sounded once again and the transfigured ores behaved like trombones, cymbals and powerful trumpets, and freely improvised amongst themselves, they would by no means tolerate this impropriety, and called for the music director in order to take him to task for it. Be still, my friends, cried an English doctor, and just observe with me how pretty and chubby all these little angels are, how smooth and sheer; I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that they allowed themselves to be inoculated with the cowpox, and in the same way we Englishmen hope to become angels as well.

The Last Judgment, however, had already begun, and Nicolai, despite his learning, was sentenced to two thousand years, to be spent in silence listening to the devils’ endless jokes. He had declared the whole thing a phantasm and put it down to an overheated imagination; unperceived, he attached leeches to himself to suck out the unseemly poetry; and so he was tried and sentenced with the leeches on his backside, bowing politely to expose his globes, which he had actually brought with him into the next world. It is strange, he said to himself, while the satyrs were already thinking up cutting remarks with which to punish him, ''it is still strange that these phantasms have not disappeared even though the fiends are sucking out everything eccentric to their hearts’ content, and it is just like bestial satyrs to release me as soon as they catch the slightest whiff of wit. But I must communicate this vision of mine of the Last Judgment to my friend Biester at once; it should be reported in the Berlin Monthly, and with the remark, moreover, that while I am keeping up with the times, the leeches on the contrary are regressing and losing their power, as though they themselves now believe in ghosts.'' Some satyrs led him away and conveyed him to his future place of residence.

Now there passed by a herd of modern theologians, who all bowed very respectably before the judgment seat, then they turned likewise towards the Devil and his cohorts, bowed to them with great courtesy and a friendly smile, and then hoped to slip by between the two with an easy politeness. The devils, however, blocked their way, so that they were forced to remain standing, whereupon the theologians began an entertaining discussion; some of them also related well-known stories in order to while away the aeons a little. They talked a lot about tolerance and humanity; others had lists with them, for the benefit of the almshouses, and tried to present a pen to the horned ones in order to enroll them too among the ranks of the philanthropists. The devils, however, who were incapable of taking a joke, dragged them with coarse phrases before the judgment seat to be sentenced. Here they were interrogated, but I could hear nothing of the sentence; I just gathered from the facial expressions of the satyrs that things would not be turning out for the best for them; I also heard one of them grumble as they passed by again: This is meant to be Enlightenment? These are the fruits of all our culture and pure science, that we who have never even mentioned Hell just then there arose a great outcry when some devils re-emerged and pleaded to take the cultured Nicolai up to Heaven or somewhere else, because he was so excessively tiresome and absolutely could not keep quiet, so that none of the devils could put up with him; they even threatened to leave the hellfire themselves. The boundless mercy was moved, and he was sentenced to take himself off to Nothingness, a valley that lies between life and death, that is neither Heaven nor Hell, that, strictly speaking, does not exist. He went forth with joy and said that he would enjoy himself there because it was his native land, and having to leave it had been the worst thing for him about the resurrection. On the whole, the judge’s voice continued, we do not want to taint noble eternity any longer by passing judgment on such creatures as have never existed and of whom I have never been aware; let all these fellows be conveyed thither, for they are as little suited for Hell as for Heaven; we can make better use of salvation and, for that matter, the flames of Hell. How amazed I was that the huge number of countless multitudes was diminished so extraordinarily by this single word; from the scraping of feet that these amateur non-entities were making in front of the throne there arose such a noise that the heavenly music could no longer be heard; they changed their place of residence with joy and jubilation, and I noticed that many of them had manuscripts, which they took with them in order to put the finishing touches to them over there.

A host of women had arisen, and the prudes among them pushed forward forcibly to show how embarrassed they were, for all of them were naked. They shocked all Heaven with their exquisite virtue and claimed to be completely innocent, while finding nothing innocent; everything aggrieved them and was liable to lead them astray; some of them even sought to cover their souls with their hands, so extraordinarily embarrassed were they. The devils greatly pestered them with coarse expressions, and as soon as they turned red or pale with shame, lightning flashed all round them, as it is wont to do in the clouds before a thunderstorm. They were all condemned without exception, but their only complaint was that the devils were, strictly speaking, men, and that one might therefore think ill of them in Heaven. Others said that, at the very least, they would prefer to be covered with the flames of Hell, as in Heaven their chastity would be put to too severe a trial. Thereupon they went off very discreetly, and I felt free again because I had been ashamed up till then to stare helplessly at their indecent pudenda.

While I was still reflecting, Jean Paul came bounding towards me and said: ''Isn’t it very annoying how the last day suddenly comes upon us without the slightest justification for it? For what then will some six or seven thousand alphabets say? And just look around, see how mundanely and normally it all happens. I would have described it very differently.'' He did not wait for my reply but ran as fast as he could after the prudes, who were already far away and of whom he overtook only the last one. Noble, pure soul! he exclaimed, do you still read so diligently the role of Klotilde? She bowed and stepped back respectfully, apologized that she was doomed for the time being, but perhaps sometime in the future she would once again have the honour. He shook his head in total amazement and disappeared into the crowd.

Now many fathers and mothers appeared with many children, and each child was carrying several children’s books under his arm, which they consulted from time to time in order to regulate their conduct, and they were often exhorted by their sensible parents to behave themselves. The father, a very respectable man, looked around with a meaningful glance, apparently scrutinizing the arrangements, and shrugged his shoulders. Well, well, he then began, turning towards the almighty judge, ''but I would have thought that one who has existed since the beginning of time, and so has reached quite an advanced age, would have more consideration for children and their delicate minds! What are they supposed to make of all this, eh? Have I instructed them so diligently only to see them now, after their death, become prey to a dangerous superstition? And when everything remained as it was, he turned to some of the most respected angels and said: Hey children, do me a favour and wipe those grimaces from your faces, especially you devils over there, whom I cannot stand at all; what is a child’s sensitive imagination supposed to make of such fantastic monstrosities?'' When the devils all began to laugh at these remarks, he turned away indignantly, and pointed out to his children that they couldn’t believe anything at all that they saw there, particularly as it was all just a fantasy and relic of the dark ages. After some discussions with the devils, he took himself off, together with all the children, to Nothingness, where he hoped to find an abundance of rational enlightenment.

It had become a little quiet when one suddenly became aware, with great astonishment, of a tremendous digging and working in the ground; great clods were turned over and the earth seemed to be suffering greatly from labour pains, and at the very least to be heralding some horrible giant. Some guessed Goliath, others Titan, but both were wrong, for there emerged nothing more than large bales of paper, entitled: Universal Literary Gazette. Now, really, an old scholar cried, who is not reminded by this of Horace’s Parturiunt montes? Scarcely had the devils seen the spectacle than some arrived posthaste and gathered up all the paper, while one of them in a frightful temper cried: ''No, really, things are becoming absolutely intolerable when something that has never shown a trace of life now wants to take part in the universal resurrection! You volumes probably think that we shall also turn a blind eye to the confusion here? You fancy that if you simply behave in an animated manner, it will be just as though you were actually alive. But no, my friend, no one here is going to sell us a pig in a poke. At this, the Literary Gazette'' came forward and spoke in roman type at great length about the signs of the times and about cocky young people, saying that she had already been in print for sixteen years, and that she was well worth the price and that she was indeed alive, and that she would do this, and that she would do that, etc. The devil, however, grabbed her unceremoniously by the ears and inconsiderately ripped from her masthead the All, so that only gemeine was left, and thus was she placed before the tribunal. The judge looked at her ungraciously and said: Have I not commanded in my laws, Thou shalt not review? At this, the editor, who was living in the papers, cried out with great zeal: ''I thought you meant: Thou shalt not reason, and that’s what I have faithfully kept: but where, incidentally, is that commandment to be found? Because Orientalism is not my field. It is included in the commandment, the judge replied: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.''

If only she had a bit of sense, a philosopher said, one could even forgive her for bearing false witness, but there is not a trace of intelligence to be found in her. Now, upon my soul, the secretary, who was still rooted to the earth, was heard to shout from below, those are palpable lies, as everyone knows that we even subscribed to a particular news sheet, which was moreover distributed free of charge.  In general, the editor continued, a high court should not take any notice of lampoons against the honourable institution, for all that can be said against it is just a pack of lies.  Don’t be so rude, a devil snapped at him. The only reason they have they torn off one of our ears, the former said, ''is to stay in character. No, on the contrary, all you highly esteemed immortals, here we meet with a most delightful eternity, inasmuch as I hope to dispatch many more volumes to the printing press, and as a new century is almost upon us, we too need to devise an entirely new plan and move with the times, for one must not of course remain standing still. My esteemed fellow subscribers (you who take an interest in literature and in my misfortune), what if we here, where we alas see before us so much life, immortality, and the like that we don’t know which way to turn, were to turn our Literary Gazette into a Universal Lethargy Gazette according to the new plan? Would that not help us splendidly?'' He intended to keep on talking but was transported with all the paper to the realm of Nothingness, where he was virtually indispensable.

I had taken great delight in the latter drama, when a nimble devil seized me by the collar before I could suspect it, and in spite of all my struggling he led to the judgment seat. I heard laughter all around me, and amongst the groans the adage crossed my mind: He who laughs last laughs longest. The judge asked me very gravely how I could have presumed to represent in Zerbino, under the vile image of one Stallmeister, a dog, worthy pedagogues, who had expended much zeal, effort, time, intelligence almost, on the improvement of schools and enlightenment, and on the introduction of well-meaning monthly journals? I replied that he was looking for specific personalities, whereas I did not mean it to be taken so literally: And I certainly hope that I am not the author who is portrayed there.

But, the voice continued, you cannot deny that you besmirched and scorned great and respected men in the same work, some openly identified by name, others concealed behind spiteful puns, for hardly anyone, it seems, is agreeable to you.

I did not mean it to be taken in so vicious a light, I interrupted, trembling, I assumed that you would take it as a joke.

That is always your excuse, was the answer, when you cannot think of anything else to say, but even if I wanted to forgive you for everything, can you deny or justify the fact that you have already portrayed and ridiculed the actual Last Judgment in advance?

This accusation came as a surprise to me; I fell silent; fear took hold of me, but just then, as luck would have it, I woke up.

____________