Translation:Puss in Boots/Act 2/Scene 4

ACT TWO

__________ Scene Four The royal dining-room.

_____

A large table is laid. To the sound of trumpets and drums,, several distinguished guests and enter; wait on the diners.

King Let us sit down, the soup is getting cold. Has the hunter been taken care of?

Servant Yes, your majesty; he will be dining here at the little table with the court jester.

Hanswurst to Hinze Let us sit down, the soup is getting cold.

Hinze sitting down With whom do I have the honor of dining?

Hanswurst A man is what he is, Mr Hunter; we cannot all do the same thing. I am a poor exiled fugitive, a man who was once, a long time ago, held to be witty, who was subsequently looked upon as stupid, vulgar and loutish, and who has now re-entered service in a foreign land, where he is once again considered witty, for the time being, at least.

Hinze Really? From what country do you hail?

Hanswurst Unfortunately, I am only a German. My countrymen were once so wise that they banned all jokes on pain of retribution; wherever I showed my face, I was given unbearable nicknames: Blackguard, Pleb, Cad. Yes, the fine and noble name of Hanswurst was debased and became a term of abuse. O my noble-souled friend, the tears stand in your eyes and you snarl with pain, or is it perhaps the odor of the roast that is getting up your nose? Yes, my dear sensitive chap, back then whoever dared laugh at me was persecuted just as much as myself, and so I was compelled to go into exile.

Hinze You poor man!

Hanswurst There are strange trades in the world, Mr Hunter; cooks live on hunger, tailors on vanity, I on the laughter of my fellow man; if he doesn't laugh, I don't eat.

Hinze I don't eat vegetables.

Hanswurst Why not? Don't be bashful, tuck in.

Hinze I tell you, I cannot tolerate white cabbage.

Hanswurst So much the better for me! Give me your hand, I must get to know you better, huntsman.

Hinze Here.

Murmuring in the pit: "Clown! Clown!"

Hanswurst Here, take the hand of an honest German; I'm not ashamed of being German, unlike many of my fellow countrymen.

He squeezes the cat's hand very tightly.

Hinze Ow! Ow!

He resists, snarls and scratches Hanswurst with his claws.

Hanswurst Ouch! Hunter! Are you possessed by a devil?

He gets up and goes weeping to the king.

Hanswurst Your majesty, the hunter is a treacherous individual. Just look at the souvenir he has given me of his five fingers.

King eating That's weird! Well, just sit down again; in future wear gloves if you want to wish him well. There are many types of friends; just as one must know how to eat each dish, so one must know how to handle each friend. Wait! I have just realized what it is that is so peculiar about that hunter: look! look! he's a Freemason, and only wanted to write the Masonic sign on your hand to see if you too were in the Craft.

Hanswurst I'll have to be on my guard with you.

Hinze Why did you squeeze my hand so hard? To hell with your pretentious manners!

Hanswurst Why, you scratch like a cat!

Hinze laughs mischievously.

King But what's wrong with the world today? Why does one no longer engage in intelligent conversation at the dinner-table? I cannot enjoy a bite unless my mind has some nourishment too. Court scholar, have you decided to play the Court fool today?

Leander eating May it please your majesty

King How far is the Sun from the Earth?

Leander Two hundred thousand and seventy-five miles and a quarter, assuming fifteen miles to one degree.

King And the circumference of the circle within which the planets taken together revolve?

Leander If we tally the distances each planet covers individually, the sum-total works out at a little more than a billion miles.

King A billion! People sometimes express their amazement by saying, Ei, der Tausend! But now we even have billions! There's nothing in the world I like better than to hear of such large numbers millions, trillions  that gives one something to think about. Upon my soul, that's quite a lot, a thousand million, more or less.

Leander As the numbers increase, so human intelligence expands.

King But tell me, approximately how large is the circumference of the entire Universe, including the fixed stars, galaxies, nebulae, and all the other rubbish?

Leander That number cannot be expressed at all.

King threatening him with his scepter But you shall express it, or else

Leander Well, if we consider a million as one, then approximately ten times a hundred thousand trillion units, each unit representing one million miles.

King Just think, children! Would you ever have believed that this little universe of ours could be so immense? Oh, but how that exercises the mind!

Hanswurst Your majesty, it is surely a very strange immensity that has in it even less food for thought than for one's stomach; it seems to me that this bowl of rice here is far more immense.

King How is that, fool?

Hanswurst Even with such huge of numbers one can think of nothing whatsoever; for in the end the highest number always becomes the smallest. Just think of all the numbers that are possible. Why, one can scarcely count up to five without losing one's bearings.

King I say, there's some truth in that. This fool has some wit after all. Say, Scholar, how many numbers are there, then?

Leander An infinite number.

King Just tell me quickly: what's the highest number?

Leander There is no highest number, because to the highest you can always add something higher; human intelligence knows no bounds in such matters.

King It really is a remarkable thing, the human mind.

Hinze You must be fed up playing the fool here.

Hanswurst It's impossible to come up with anything novel; there are too many working in this profession.

King And you also maintain that the Earth is continuously spinning round and round, now one way, now another, like a drunk?

Leander It's not exactly like that; it's more like a rolling motion.

King And it is, in your opinion, a sphere?

Leander Exactly, so that there are people living on this world whose feet are pointing upwards towards our feet they are our Antipodes, just as we in our turn are their Antipodes.

King We? Including me?

Leander Absolutely!

King But I won't stand for it! Do you really think that I am going to demean myself in such a manner? You, Sir, and your ilk can be Antipodes as much as you like; but I consider myself too good to be another man's Antipode, even if he were the Grand Mogul himself. You probably think that, because I sometimes condescend to debate with you, I must be willing to put up with anything. Yes, yes, I see it now: he that makes himself a sheep shall be eaten by the wolf. Give these scholars an inch, and they will walk all over you; according to their systems, everything must be mixed together higgledy-piggledy, like cabbage and beets; they even have the impudence to cast their rulers beneath the soles of these Antipodes. Well, let such a thing never happen again!

Leander As your majesty commands.

King But let us not dwell on the subject without hearing both sides of the argument: bring me my microscope instanter!

Exit Leander.

King I must tell you, gentlemen, that I like to peer at small things as a devotional exercise; it is actually edifying to do so; it uplifts my heart when I see how gargantuan a worm appears when magnified, how strangely constructed maggots and flies are, and how in all their glory they can even compete with a king.

Leander returns.

King Give it here! Has anyone a gnat that we can observe? Or a worm? Anything at all.

Hanswurst Typical! When you don't want such things, they're always around: but now that they're needed for educational purposes, they're nowhere to be found! But, your majesty, I humbly propose that we observe one of those strange whiskers of the foreign hunter. That would surely be well worth the trouble.

King An excellent idea! See, our fool is on song today. But to spare the hunter unnecessary embarrassment, the best-looking hair should be plucked by just two chamberlains. Everyone else turn around!

Hinze to the chamberlains Surely such an operations would be an infringement of international law.

They pluck out the hair.

Hinze Ow! Miaow! Miaow! Prrrst!

King Listen. He's mewing just like a cat!

Hanswurst Oh yes, and he also purred like a cat; he seems to be an altogether remarkable entity.

King looking through the lens I say! How extraordinarily wonderful! There is not a scratch to be seen on it, not the slightest flaw; it's perfectly smooth. Yes, the English factories could make something like this for me someday. Ay, of course! That's where the hunter has come by his precious whiskers!

Hanswurst They are a work of nature, my lord. And this strange fellow also possesses another natural curiosity, one which is surely as entertaining as it is thought-provoking. I noticed just now, when the roast was being brought in and the pleasant odor was wafting through the whole room, that a certain organ was set in motion inside his body; as it purred merrily in rising and falling scales, he shut his eyes in delight and his nose began to twitch in a lively fashion. I touched him at the time, and a strange tremolo could be felt all over his body from head to toe.

King Is it possible? Come over here. Approach me, huntsman.

Hinze I won't forget this lunch in a hurry!

Hanswurst Come, noble friend. As he is conducting him to the king You're not going to scratch me again, are you?

King Here, come forward. Let's see.

He puts his ear to Hinze

King I can't hear anything; it's as quiet as a mouse in there.

Hanswurst It stopped when his hair was pulled out; it seems he only grinds this organ when he's happy. Think of something pleasant, Mr Hunter, imagine something charming; otherwise we will think it is just out of spite that you refuse to grind your little organ for us.

King Hold some of the roast in front of his nose. Like so. Look, huntsman, what have we here? Well? I'll try stroking his head and ears at the same time: hopefully this display of favor will operate his organ of satisfaction. Right! Listen! Can you hear that, people? It's purring, up and down, up and down, in such pretty roulades. I can feel the vibrations in his entire body. Hm! Hm! How very strange! I wonder how such a person must be constructed on the inside! Is it some sort of cylinder that rotates, or is it arranged like the mechanism of a piano? And how does the damping apparatus work, that can cut off the vibrations in an instant? Tell me, huntsman: I respect you and I'm kindly disposed towards you, but have you perhaps a cousin or a distant relative of little account, someone who wouldn't be missed if, say, one were to dissect them a little just to see how this machinery works, you understand?

Hinze No, your majesty, I am the only one of my species.

King What a pity! Court scholar, consider how this person might be constructed internally, and present your findings to us in the Academy.

Hanswurst Come on, huntsman. Let's sit down and finish our meal.

Hinze I see I must be friends with you.

Leander It will be my honour, my lord; I already have a hypothesis in mind which I believe is highly probable. To wit, it is my conjecture that the hunter is a natural ventriloquist, who has probably been accustomed at an early age through rigorous training to shut up his feelings of delight and joy inside him; but because his vigorous nature is too powerful, it has created there in the viscera themselves an outlet for his joy, and so formed this internal language of his that we now marvel at as a strange phenomenon.

King That sounds plausible!

Leander And that's why it now sounds more like restrained anger than an expression of pleasure. By its nature, joy soars upwards, opens the mouth wide and speaks using the most open of the vowels, preferably A, E or I, as one can observe in all of creation, for example among children, sheep, donkeys, bulls and drunks; but because his tyrannical parents and guardians did not allow him to make any loud noises, he was compelled to grumble inwardly, using only the vowels O and U; when considered in this light, the phenomenon ceases to appear miraculous, and for these reasons I do not think that he possesses a cylinder or an organ in his abdomen.

Hanswurst If only Dr Leander were forbidden to philosophize aloud, and were compelled to give utterance to his most profound thoughts deep down inside his body rather than upstairs in his mouth, I wonder what sort of a rattle would be set up in his belly?

Leander Your fool, my king, is incapable of understanding rational thoughts; on the whole I am surprised that your majesty is still amused by his insipid ideas. He should be sent packing at once: his continued presence is only bringing your taste into bad repute.

King throws his sceptre at Leander's head Smart Aleck! How dare you, sir! A satanic spirit of rebellion seems to have possessed you today. The fool pleases me, me, his king, and if I like him, how dare you say that he has no taste? You are the court scholar and he the court jester; each of you receives the same salary; the only difference is that he is dining at the little table with the foreign hunter. The jester plays the fool as we dine, while you entertain us with intelligent conversation; both of you are employed merely to while away the time and make our food taste more palatable: where, then, lies the great difference? Furthermore, it does a man like me good to see a fool who is more stupid than myself, who does not possess the gifts I have, who is not as well educated as I; why, then, one feels greater oneself and is grateful to heaven. For this reason alone I find the company of a simpleton quite pleasant. If, however, you say that the fool is ignorant in matters of religion and philosophy, and that his mind wanders astray too much, can you yourself (since the foolish man is surely your next of kin) not sit down with him in a friendly manner and say to him lovingly: Look here, my dear, this is so, and that is so, and you have this all backwards, but I will lovingly show you the light. And then give him a thorough grounding in logic, metaphysics and hydrostatics, so that he conquers his ignorance and turns over a new leaf. That is how one who wishes to be taken for a philosopher would act.

serves the rabbit and leaves.

King Ah, the rabbit! I don't know I suppose the other gentlemen do not care for it?

All bow.

King Well, then, with your permission, I will keep it all for myself.

He eats.

Princess It seems to me the king is making faces as though he were having another of his attacks.

King rising, in a rage This rabbit is burned! O all you host of heaven! O Earth! What else? And shall I couple hell?

Princess Father!

King Who is that? By what misunderstanding has this stranger 'Mongst people lost his way? His eyes are dry!

All arise full of concern, Hanswurst runs back and forth busily, Hinze remains seated and eats surreptitiously.

King Deliver up to me the dead. I must Have him again!

Princess Quickly, someone fetch the pacifier.

King May the hosts of Hell rejoice when my Cook Philip is burned at the stake, the ungrateful wretch!

Princess What's keeping the musician!

King The dead return no more. Who dare affirm That I am happy? Oh! had he died for me! I loved him, too, and much.

The pacifier enters with a glockenspiel, which he immediately begins to play.

King What is the matter with me? weeping Ah! I have had another attack. Get this rabbit out of my sight.

He lays his head on the table, and sobs sorrowfully.

A Courtier His majesty is greatly afflicted.

The spectators in the pit begin to stamp and whistle violently; they cough and hiss; the spectators in the gallery laugh; the king gets up, arranges his cloak and with great majesty takes his seat on the throne with his sceptre. It is all in vain, however; the noise gets louder and louder; none of the actors stays in character; a terrible pause on the stage. Hinze has climbed up a column.

Aghast, appears on the stage.

Playwright Gentlemen honored members of the audience  just a few words!

Spectators in the Pit Silence!! Silence! The fool wishes to speak!

Playwright For heaven's sake, don't disgrace me like this; the act is almost over. Look, the king has even regained his composure; why can't you take a leaf out of his book? This great soul has surely more reason than you to be beside himself.

Fischer More than us?

Wiesener to his neighbor But why you are stamping? The two of us were enjoying the play, weren't we?

Wiesener's Neighbor You're absolutely right I guess, because they're all doing it.

He claps for all he's worth.

Playwright A few of the hecklers are still on my side. For pity's sake, please give my poor play a chance; a rogue always gives more than he has; it will all be over soon. I'm so confused and upset that I can't think of anything else to say.

Spectators We're not listening! We don't care what you have to say!

Playwright He drags the pacifier forward angrily The king has calmed down, now calm this raging torrent too, if you can!

Beside himself, he rushes off.

plays his bells, the stamping keeps time with his music; he beckons; and appear and dance affectionately around him, ; an eagle sits on Hinze's head, who is terrified, two  and two  also dance.

Ballet and singing.

The Quadrupeds That sounds glorious

The Birds That sounds beautiful

All the Animals in Chorus Never before have I heard or seen the like!

After this, all present dance an artful quadrille; the king and his courtiers are conducted into the centre, including Hinze and Hanswurst. Everyone applauds and laughs. The spectators in pit stand up to get a better view; several hats fall down from the gallery.

Pacifier singing during the ballet, while the spectators show their delight

The curtain falls; everyone cheers and applauds; the ballet can still be heard for a short while.