The Song of Right and Wrong

Feast on wine or fast on water And your honour shall stand sure, God Almighty's son and daughter He the valiant, she the pure; If an angel out of heaven Brings you other things to drink, Thank him for his kind attentions, Go and pour them down the sink.

Tea is like the East he grows in, A great yellow Mandarin With urbanity of manner And unconsciousness of sin; All the women, like a harem, At his pig-tail troop along; And, like all the East he grows in, He is Poison when he's strong.

Tea, although an Oriental, Is a gentleman at least; Cocoa is a cad and coward, Cocoa is a vulgar beast, Cocoa is a dull, disloyal, Lying, crawling cad and clown, And may very well be grateful To the fool that takes him down.

As for all the windy waters, They were rained like tempests down When good drink had been dishonoured By the tipplers of the town; When red wine had brought red ruin And the death-dance of our times, Heaven sent us Soda Water As a torment for our crimes.