The Motley Assembly

Preface
The following was wrote at the request, and intended only for the amusement of two or three particular friends, whose importunity has at length prevailed with the Author to consent to publish it, even against his own inclination, as nothing was more remote from his design when he first undertook it:--With regard to the characters, the impartial Public will determine as they please; If applicable to any particular persons the praise or blame is theirs: If they suit nobody---The Author would inform the candid Reader that he copied from such characters as were exhibited by his friends; who were satisfied with the likeness, and are only answerable to the Public whether they exist or not.

Dramatis Personae

 * Men

ESQUIRE RUNT: a short fat old fellow, fond of gallanting the ladies TURNCOAT BUBBLE CAPTAIN AID CAPTAIN CARELESS: an honest young sea captain


 * Women

MRS. FLOURISH MRS. TAXALL MRS. BUBBLE MISS P: daughter of Turncoat MISS B: daughter of Turncoat MISS FLOURISH MISS TAXALL MISS DOGGREL TAB BETTY: servant to Mrs.Bubble

Scene I
At the House of Mrs. Flourish.


 * (Enter Mrs. Flourish and Esq. Runt)

It is a very great mortification to the gentlemen Madam, ---your not permitting Miss Flourish to go to the Assembly.

I mean it as such Mr. Runt ;---if your sex are so weak and undiscerning, as to prefer the fading, short lived, perishable trifle beauty, to the noble exalted, mental accomplishments, which only are of intrinsic value, Mr. Runt ;---it is fit they should be mortified.---O why has Heaven permitted our passive sex to be so long deceived and misled by the idle and groundless opinion of the superior wisdom of the male sex!---in animal strength I grant their superiority;---and I have found some capable of pleasing;---but few---very few indeed capable of informing me.---

But madam you will be pleased to consider, that few ladies are so accomplished as you are allowed to be.

Say no more Mr. Runt ;---I am almost sick at the hare mention of the word;---it is so horribly prostituted and misapplied upon almost all occasions.

I beg your pardon madam.

I do not mean in this instance Mr. Runt :--- but pray Mr. Runt how comes it that you are one of the managers of this motley assembly?

I was advis'd madam---both for my interest and safety.

By one of your own sex,---I dare say--

It was madam:--Mr. Turncoat advis'd me.

To keep him in countenance I suppose;--well what appearance do they make, compared to our assemblies in the seige?

I wish you had been there the last evening madam, only to have seen the contrast.

Contrast indeed! I dare swear:---O Mr.Runt !---when shall we see such happy times again? Will they ever return Mr. Runt.

Turncoat says he has long been afraid they never would return;---and wishes all the friends of government would do as he has done;---tack about, and make fair weather with the other side.

How versatile is man! have you known any one of my sex on the side of government to change their opinion Mr. Runt? nay more---have we not openly, in the face of day, and in defiance of our present mock rulers---frequently visited our dear, distress'd friends in Cambridge. While the men!---you dastard men!---meanly stole there under covert of the night; and some of the highest Whigs, who in some companies have exclaimed against us, have been glad to make use of our interest for you know what purposes;---and their wives who have sometimes accompanied us, have returned more than half converted, by the gentility, address, politeness, and generosity of the Convention troops.---O my God! my heart bleeds whenever I think of the poor distress'd Convention troops:---What will become of them Mr. Runt? It is impossible they can endure such a horrid match: --Enough almost to kill our Yankies.

It is very cruel treatment; and it is a wonder if we don't suffer for it in the end; I never could learn the cause madam.

The French! The cursed French! Mr. Runt, are the cause of all our misery:--This Rebellion would have been crush'd long before this, but for them---We could not have held out much longer, when they step'd in; but must have submitted to such terms as our gracious sovereign would have condescended to offer; which all who know his goodness Mr. Runt , are convinced would have been just and merciful.

Your observations are very just madam, and I am entirely of your opinion:--And as to the French ---every body says they are a treacherous crew:---I knew when I was in England it was the general opinion there; and that they never would fight: and I don't despair but Old England will give them a drubbing yet.---But as to us, I think we are in a worse box than ever;---out of the frying-pan, into the fire; and all this for a trifling duty on tea.

Well we must wait with patience Mr. Runt ; I have still hopes, notwithstanding what Mr. Turncoat says;--- I never thought him much of a politician.--It was rather unfortunate for him, that he would not even suffer his daughters to go to a Whig-Assembly as it was called the winter before last; and now so warmly to engage in it; because these people are very apt to remember; and may possibly assign this miraculous change to the true motive.---


 * (Enter Miss Flourish)

Oh Mr. Runt, I am exceeding glad to see you; I wanted to ask you a thousand questions:---What sort of an assembly had you?---Who was there?---Were the ladies very much dress'd?---How did the He-Bears (as Miss Doggril calls them) behave?---How did they handle their paws?---Could you keep your countenance?

Stop! stop! stop! Miss Volubility,---not quite so fast; who do you think can answer so many questions as once?--- Now Mr. Runt, can you think it possible, after all this seeming contempt for the company, that this girl cried a whole day because I would not let her go to the assembly?---Assembly! Good Heavens! It is a burlesque upon the name of an assembly:--- I have no patience when I think of it:---Yet there's my sister is fool enough to go; tho' she told me she would not dance, because she could not bear to give her hand to such cattle.

I observ'd Mrs.---resuss'd to dance; but did not know the reason before:---Well I think she is quite right.---But Miss Flourish how comes it that you are so anxious to go?

Because there is a sett of us who agreed to go on purpose to make our remarks on the droll figures, for our diversion and entertainment when we got home.---

Ha! ha! ha!---You are a rogue, Miss Flourish. ---

Did you observe Mrs. Bubble 's behaviour Mr. Runt? It seems to me that creature tries how ridiculous she can make herself;--the town rings with her silly speeches;--- She has not a single advocate in our little polite circle. And is laugh'd at by the very creatures whom she affects to despise, but has not sense enough even to distinguish the ridiculous part of their character. ---Excuse me a moment Mr. Runt. ---


 * (Exit Mrs. Flourish)


 * (Enter Miss Taxall and Miss Doggril)

How do ye do ladies? Give me leave to take your cloaks:--What do you hear abroad ladies?

We hear nothing talk'd of now, but the assembly, and Mrs. Bubble 's pretty speeches.---O Miss Doggril ! I wish you had been in town in the seige;---then you would have seen assemblies!--Don't you remember one evening Miss Flourish? --Well tho' they are so impudent sometimes; yet they are so genteel, so easy, so careless, and so agreeable, that one can hardly be offended at any thing they say or do:--If you had been with us then Miss Doggril, you would not wonder at my turning off my Yankie spark.

Kind fortune! bring them back---"or let us drink of Lake's fountain, and forget to think."


 * (Re-enter Mrs. Flourish in a Hurry)

Take care girls what you say now:---Capt. Aid is coming in;---remember he is an officer in the reb, I had like to have spoke treason---in our army.

(Enter Aid ---a little gay)

Ladies your most obedient;---Mr. Runt. I am Your's.

Your humble servant Sir;---How do you do Mr. Aid? Capt---I beg your pardon Sir.

Take a chair Captain Aid ;---will you drink a glass of wine?

With all my heart madam.---Ladies your health; Mr. Runt your health:---And long life, health, and prosperity, to His Most Christian Majesty; and Godlike, glorious Washington.

Thank'ee Sir.


 * (Speaking very faintly)

With all my heart Captain:---I really take that Washington to be a very clever fellow.

Let us be silent on that subject Mr. Runt :---We have neither time, nor talents, to do it justice

Why? He is no more then man; Captain Aid.

Then all mankind beside are less; madam.

You have not seen all mankind Sir.---I believe Mr. Washington ,---or General Washington if you please,---is a very honest, good kind of a man; and has taken infinite pains to keep your army together; and I wish he may and his account in it;--But doubtless there are his equals;--- so say no more.

If you meant that as a compliment, madam; it is really so cold a one; it has made me shiver;---I will therefore with your leave, drop the subject; and take another glass of wine.

Ay, ay, that's right Captain: I think there are more fit subjects for a young gentleman's contemplation in this room.

Still gallant Mr. Runt:---But the ladies must pardon me if I cannot readily assent to the justice of your rebuke; when I assure them, that I think such charms as theirs, would justify my inattention to every other object, but what concerns my General, or my country.

I believe we are are all very ready to pardon your inattention to us at all times.

Curse your impudence.--- Aside. Knowing my inclination, and particular attention to please and oblige the ladies; you say what you please without the hazard of offending:---And as you seem disposed at this time to be merry at my expence; I am extremely sorry to deprive you of the opportunity, by being obliged to leave you.


 * (Exit Captain Aid)

Scene II
Scene changes to the house of Mrs. Taxall.


 * (Enter Mrs. Taxall, Miss Taxall and Tab)

I am afraid Tab we shall be obliged to do something at last,---The gentlemen will be tired by and by: I have found already that some of them do not come so often as formerly; and when they do come, are not so ready to take a hint, tho' pretty broad; and I am really ashamed to speak plainer than I do.

Why Ma'am! I am sure you have no reason to complain yet:---You remember the last time the gentlemen drank tea here, how very generous one of them was to Miss---, and another very readily took your hint about the---, by what he sent the next day: And you cannot but acknowledge that they have been exceeding genteel to Miss Taxall :---It any one has reason to complain; I think it is poor Tab.

I grant Tab they have done very well, considering who they are; but I begin to fear that it will not last; unless we could depend upon a new set every now and then, which is so precarious that I wish we had some other dependence.

Why you know Ma'am that I have taken in work for some particular people:---But before I would stoop to work for our modern mushroom gentry; I had rather starve.

I think Mamma that Tab is to be commended for her spirit; I'm sure I should rather starve than take in work for any body.

Why, I can't but say I commend such a spirit; It is very humiliating to people of taste and fashion, who have brought up a family so very genteely as I have, to think that any of them must stoop so low.---I am therefore determined to wait till necessity drives me, before I submit to it.---These times cannot last always. Perhaps we may see such days again, as we saw in the siege.

O Mamma! I fear we never shall.

I don't despair yet.

Well Tab if you don't despair, I am sure I have no reason.


 * (Enter Miss P and Miss B)

Your servant ladies!--Miss Taxall when did you see Captain Aid? He passed us just now as if he did not know us.

We heard he was affronted the winter before last, at our not going to the assembly,---and now I suppose he is offended because we do go.

I have heard several gentlemen remark upon that affair, Miss B ---, and the late extraordinary change in your Papa's conduct; not much to his advantage:---But I never open'd my lips, tho' I confess to you I think it looks odd.

Why Ma'am! When my Papa forbid our going to the Assembly, the winter before last; he thought the British troops would be here again in the spring following, and retake the town, and was afraid it would hurt his and our characters, if he kept company with the liberty people:--But now he thinks they will not come again.

That may be a sufficient reason for his allowing you to go now; but his being a Manager looks as if he was really fond of such company.

Why Ma'am! He was urged to it, and as it was not like taking up arms; he thought it best to accept.-


 * (Enter Turncoat)

I have been telling Miss B ---, that some gentlemen have expressed great surprise at the apparent alteration in your conduct, Mr. Turncoat.

I don't doubt it Madam;---and readily guess on what account;---but if those gentlemen would consider the great change in our affairs; and the critical situation of my family, interest, and connections; they could not justly blame me; as they know my determination still is, never to take an active part on either side.

Well Sir I believe you are right all things considered. Pray Sir did you hear of the Fracas at the concert the other evening, between two gentlemen? I wish to hear the particulars.

La Mamma! it was nothing at all: They went so far as to draw on each other, to be sure; but no blood Mamma. I wish the ladies would adopt the same method of deciding their quarrels as it neither wounds the skin or reputation.

Scene III
Scene at the house of Mrs. Bubble.


 * (Enter Mrs. Bubble and Betty)

I have brought back the silk Ma'am; the lady says you have not sent all and refuses to take it again.

Well I'll see about it: You may go.--- Exit Betty. Bubble has refused to buy it for me; and I am determined nobody else shall have it.


 * (Enter Bubble)

Do you go to the Assembly to-morrow evening my dear.

No! that I shan't,---Yes I will too, and in my worst gown---But I am determined not to dance---Yes I will dance a minuet on purpose to mortify you by my dress; why Mr. Bubble ! how can you ask me to go to the assembly when you know I have got nothing fit to wear? And yet you have refused to buy for me the genteelest, prettiest thing I ever saw---and every body says it is exceeding cheap for paper money;---only a thousand dollars.---

Very cheap indeed! Only a thousand dollars!

And not much the worse for wear neither---Any body who was to see it on me would suppose it quite new---But I have a great mind never to go among such cattle again; for unless one can eclipse them in dress; there is no mortifying them any other way---and that is all the pleasure one can take in going into such company.

Scene IV
Scene changes to a Coffee-house.


 * (Enter Aid and Careless)

We shall both be in Coventry soon Careless ---Curse on the girls!---There is no keeping company with them without being a [rascal.

Why? What's the matter Aid? ha! ha! ha!

Hold! hold! Don't you crow:---There's Devil of a storm brewing for you my lad---I met Tab just now: She is running about brawling like a bedlamite against you.

Poor Tab ! What does she say Aid?

D-m me if I can tell, tho' I heard her run on for half an hour; I can only recollect---"that puppy Careless ---that young coxcomb! Continental shirts, ha! I'll Continental shirts him---a little saucy impudent puppy"---what the Devil does she mean Careless.

Ha, ha, ha!---Why I'll tell you Aid ---I was in company the other evening with that pretty for; tho' by the way some of them are really pretty: But Entrenous Aid ---They are a damn'd set!---It is unnecessary to repeat the conversation; suffice it to say it was upon the old topic; which they handled with so much rancour, and indecency, sparing none of us; and so very lavish of their encomiums, on the British officers;---that I consess I felt not a little vexed; and in revenge,---as well as to divert the conversation; ---proposed, their making each two shirts a week, for the continental so'diers:

Did you by Heaven? Well how was it received?

As I intended; faith!---it operated so violently on Tab, that I expected nothing short of an hysteric fit; her efforts to contain her rage must have been excessive, if one may judge by her horribly distorted countenance.

Why I dare swear Careless, it was her natural look, which you look for such an horrible distortion.

No, no, Aid ,---Though we all agree she is dam'd ugly at best, yet I never saw her look quite so much like the devil before. But at last she was relieved by opening upon me.---Heavens and Earth what a volley!---I stood the shock for some time; at length I pretended to be very sorry, and begged their pardon. Then addressing Tab---I had no thought of giving the least offence, said I, my dear young lady; but was really simple enough to think, that while the gentlemen were fighting, bleeding and dying for their country;---that the ladies could do no less than I proposed:---Nevertheless, convinced by the force of your arguments! give up the point.---I had scarce finished before I saw symptoms of another explosion from the same quarter:---and seeing not one advocate in the room; but on the contrary, every countenance deeply tinged with the irascible; I thought it best to decamp; which I did leaving them not a little chagrined.

I am very glad of it.---for between you and I Careless, I begin to be sick of such company; though I think what they say is of very little consequence.

It is of so much consequence in my opinion; that I think it the duty of every whig to discountenance such indecent raillery and abuse, at all times and upon all occasions.

If many would join in it---it would do---but should two or three only attempt it---they would appear ridiculous.

Ridiculous, or not; was I to continue here for anytime I should not hesitate to treat them with the neglect and contempt they deserve. Such a conduct invariably pursued, by those whom they affect to despise, would soon effect a great change in their conversation and conduct.

I believe you are right Careless: I wish to Heaven the experiment was tried---O how I should glory in seeing the poor despised, neglected, solitary devils, looking and longing in vain for a bow or a smile, to cheer their drooping spirits.

No man is more happy than I am, in the company of a pretty girl:---But shall selfish considerations weigh so much with a man of honour, as to take a little damn'd paracidical viper to his bosom, because it is pretty: Honour and patriotism forbid it.--- O Aid! I am ashamed of the conduct of some in this town, who profess themselves whigs;---They are not barely doubtful, but in my opinion the most dangerous characters among you, but I shall leave you soon; and with less regret on this account:---Sincerely wishing, that on my return, I may find a great reformation, or a thoro' extirpation. Blush B---! blush!---Thy honest sons bewail, That dance and song o'er patriot zeal prevail; That whigs and tories (join'd by wayward chance) Should hand in hand, lead on the sprightly dance, Or sword to sword as harmlessly oppose, As all such heroes would their country's foes, Here lur'd by fashion, opp'site int'rests join, And lull their cares and rage,---in cards and wine, Here friends to freedom, vile apostates meet, And here unblushing can each other greet; In mix'd assembly---see they croud the place; Stain to their country---To their Sires Disgrace; Hell in some hearts; but pleasure in each face, All---all are qualiti'd to join this tribe; Who have an hundred dollars to subscribe.

FINIS