The History of the Adventures of Joseph Andrews and his Friend, Mr. Abraham Abrams/Book IV, Chapter II

CHAPTER II.

_A dialogue between Mr Abraham Adams and the Lady Booby._

Mr Adams was not far off, for he was drinking her ladyship's health

below in a cup of her ale. He no sooner came before her than she began

in the following manner: "I wonder, sir, after the many great

obligations you have had to this family" (with all which the reader hath

in the course of this history been minutely acquainted), "that you will

ungratefully show any respect to a fellow who hath been turned out of it

for his misdeeds. Nor doth it, I can tell you, sir, become a man of your

character, to run about the country with an idle fellow and wench.

Indeed, as for the girl, I know no harm of her. Slipslop tells me she

was formerly bred up in my house, and behaved as she ought, till she

hankered after this fellow, and he spoiled her. Nay, she may still,

perhaps, do very well, if he will let her alone. You are, therefore,

doing a monstrous thing in endeavouring to procure a match between these

two people, which will be to the ruin of them both."--"Madam," said

Adams, "if your ladyship will but hear me speak, I protest I never heard

any harm of Mr Joseph Andrews; if I had, I should have corrected him for

it; for I never have, nor will, encourage the faults of those under my

care. As for the young woman, I assure your ladyship I have as good an

opinion of her as your ladyship yourself or any other can have. She is

the sweetest-tempered, honestest, worthiest young creature; indeed, as

to her beauty, I do not commend her on that account, though all men

allow she is the handsomest woman, gentle or simple, that ever appeared

in the parish."--"You are very impertinent," says she, "to talk such

fulsome stuff to me. It is mighty becoming truly in a clergyman to

trouble himself about handsome women, and you are a delicate judge of

beauty, no doubt. A man who hath lived all his life in such a parish as

this is a rare judge of beauty! Ridiculous! beauty indeed! a country

wench a beauty! I shall be sick whenever I hear beauty mentioned again.

And so this wench is to stock the parish with beauties, I hope. But,

sir, our poor is numerous enough already; I will have no more vagabonds

settled here."--"Madam," says Adams, "your ladyship is offended with me,

I protest, without any reason. This couple were desirous to consummate

long ago, and I dissuaded them from it; nay, I may venture to say, I

believe I was the sole cause of their delaying it."--"Well," says she,

"and you did very wisely and honestly too, notwithstanding she is the

greatest beauty in the parish."--"And now, madam," continued he, "I only

perform my office to Mr Joseph."--"Pray, don't mister such fellows to

me," cries the lady. "He," said the parson, "with the consent of Fanny,

before my face, put in the banns." "Yes," answered the lady, "I suppose

the slut is forward enough; Slipslop tells me how her head runs upon

fellows; that is one of her beauties, I suppose. But if they have put in

the banns, I desire you will publish them no more without my

orders."--"Madam," cries Adams, "if any one puts in a sufficient

caution, and assigns a proper reason against them, I am willing to

surcease."--"I tell you a reason," says she: "he is a vagabond, and he

shall not settle here, and bring a nest of beggars into the parish; it

will make us but little amends that they will be beauties."--"Madam,"

answered Adams, "with the utmost submission to your ladyship, I have been

informed by lawyer Scout that any person who serves a year gains a

settlement in the parish where he serves."--"Lawyer Scout," replied the

lady, "is an impudent coxcomb; I will have no lawyer Scout interfere

with me. I repeat to you again, I will have no more incumbrances brought

on us: so I desire you will proceed no farther."--"Madam," returned

Adams, "I would obey your ladyship in everything that is lawful; but

surely the parties being poor is no reason against their marrying. God

forbid there should be any such law! The poor have little share enough

of this world already; it would be barbarous indeed to deny them the

common privileges and innocent enjoyments which nature indulges to the

animal creation."--"Since you understand yourself no better," cries the

lady, "nor the respect due from such as you to a woman of my

distinction, than to affront my ears by such loose discourse, I shall

mention but one short word; it is my orders to you that you publish

these banns no more; and if you dare, I will recommend it to your

master, the doctor, to discard you from his service. I will, sir,

notwithstanding your poor family; and then you and the greatest beauty

in the parish may go and beg together."--"Madam," answered Adams, "I

know not what your ladyship means by the terms master and service. I am

in the service of a Master who will never discard me for doing my duty;

and if the doctor (for indeed I have never been able to pay for a

licence) thinks proper to turn me from my cure, God will provide me, I

hope, another. At least, my family, as well as myself, have hands; and

he will prosper, I doubt not, our endeavours to get our bread honestly

with them. Whilst my conscience is pure, I shall never fear what man can

do unto me."--"I condemn my humility," said the lady, "for demeaning

myself to converse with you so long. I shall take other measures; for I

see you are a confederate with them. But the sooner you leave me the

better; and I shall give orders that my doors may no longer be open to

you. I will suffer no parsons who run about the country with beauties to

be entertained here."--"Madam," said Adams, "I shall enter into no

persons' doors against their will; but I am assured, when you have

enquired farther into this matter, you will applaud, not blame, my

proceeding; and so I humbly take my leave:" which he did with many bows,

or at least many attempts at a bow.