The Confessions of Saint Augustine (Outler)/Book I/Chapter XI


 *  He is taken ill, and desires to be baptized; but his mother defers it upon his recovery, as his father is not yet a Christian.

As a boy, then, I had already heard of an eternal life, promised us through the humility of the Lord our God stooping to our pride; and even from my mother's womb, whose hope was in Thee, I was signed with the sign of His cross and salted with His salt. Thou sawest, Lord, how while yet a boy, I was one day suddenly seized with oppression of the stomach, and like to die; Thou sawest, my God (for Thou wert my keeper), with what emotion and what faith I entreated, from the affection of my mother and Thy Church, the mother of us all, the baptism of Thy Christ my God and Lord. Whereupon the mother of my flesh, being much disturbed (since with a heart pure in Thy faith, she even more lovingly "travailed in birth" of my salvation), would with all speed have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving sacraments, confessing Thee, Lord Jesus, for the remission of sins, unless I had suddenly recovered. And so, if I must needs again be polluted should I live, my cleansing was deferred, because after that washing the guilt, in gross sins, would be greater and more perilous. I then already believed: and my mother and the whole household, except my father: yet did not he prevail over the power of my mother's piety in me, that I should believe in Christ the less, because he did not yet believe. For it was her steadfast aim, that Thou my God, rather than he, should be my father; and in this Thou didst aid her to prevail over her husband, whom she the better obeyed; and even thus she obeyed Thee who hast so commanded.

I beseech Thee, my God, I would fain know, if so Thou willest, for what purpose was I hindered from being then baptised? was it for my good that the rein was laid loose, as it were, upon me, for me to sin? or was it not laid loose? If not, why does it still echo in our ears on all sides, "Let him alone, let him do as he will, for he is not yet baptized?" And yet as to bodily health, we do not say, "Let him be worse wounded, for he is not yet healed." How much better then, had I been at once healed; and that then it had been brought about my friends' diligence and my own, that my soul's recovered health had been kept safe in Thy safe keeping, who hadst given it. Better truly. But how many and great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood! These my mother foresaw; and preferred to hazard on them the clay whence I might afterwards be moulded, than the very image, when made.