The Confessions of Saint Augustine (Outler)/Book I/Chapter VI


 * He describes his infancy; and extols the protecting care and eternal providence of God.

Yet let me speak unto Thy mercy, me, "dust and ashes." Yea, let me speak, since to Thy mercy I speak, and not to scornful man. Thou too, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou "return and have compassion" (Jer. xii. 15) upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not when I came hither; into this dying life (shall I call it) or living death. Then immediately did the consolations of Thy mercies take me up as I have heard from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me; for in truth I remember it not. Thus there awaited me the comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts; but Thou didst bestow on me the food of infancy through them, according to Thine ordinance, and to the riches distributed according to the first springs of things. Thou also gavest me to desire no more than Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they with an affection ordained by Thee willingly gave me, what they abounded with from Thee. For good for them was my good from them, which, indeed, was not from them but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and "from my God is all my salvation" (2 Sam. xxiii. 5). For this I since have learned, that Thou dost call to me by these gifts, which within me and without me Thou dost give. For then I knew but to suck; to rest in the delights, but to weep in the vexations of the flesh; nothing more.

Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking; for so it was told me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my desires to those who could gratify them, and I could not; for the desires were within me, but they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my mind. So I used to fling about my limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such as I could, to express my desires; though they expressed them poorly enough. And when they were not complied with, whether because they were not understood, or were injurious, then I grew indignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with them free as they were because they were not my slaves, and took my vengeance upon them with tears. Such have I learned infants to be from observing them; and, that I was myself such, they who knew it not, have shown me better than my nurses who knew it.

And, lo! my infancy is dead long since, and I live! But Thou, Lord, who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies: for before the beginnings of the ages and before all that can be called "before," Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou hast created; and with Thee abide, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all changeful things, the changeless springs abide within Thee: and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, to me, Thy suppliant, O God; Thou all merciful to me all miserable, say to me; did my infancy succeed another age of mine already dead? was it that which I passed with my mother's womb? for of that I have heard somewhat, and have myself seen woman with child? and what, O God my joy, was I before that? Was I any where or any body? For have I none to tell me this, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and confess Thee, for that which I do know?

I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my beginnings of life, and for my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should form conjectures as to himself from the things of others; and even believe much on the authority of mere women. Even then I had being and life, and towards the close of my infancy I began to seek for signs, whereby to make know my feelings to others. Whence could such a living thing be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be artificer to fashion himself? or can there elsewhere be derived any vein, through which being and life may flow into us, except that "Thou makest us," O Lord; and "to be" and "to live" are all one to Thee: since Thou Thyself art supremely Being, and supremely Life. "For Thou art most high, and Thou changest not" (Mal. iii. 6), neither in Thee doth to-day come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou didst sustain them. And since "Thy years fail not" (Ps. cii. 27), Thy years are one to-day. How many of ours and our fathers' days have passed away through Thy "to-day," and from it received the measures and the manner of their existence; and other still shall pass away, and so receive the degree of their being. But "Thou art the same" (Ps. cii. 27), and all things of to-morrow, and beyond it, and all of yesterday, and before it, to-day shalt Thou do, to-day hast Thou done. What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him too rejoice and say, "What thing is this" (Ex, xvi. 15). Let him too rejoice thus; that he may choose rather by not finding them to find Thee, than by finding them not to find Thee.