The Bachelers Banquet/The humor of a young wife new married

IT is the naturall inclination of a young gallant, in the pleasant prime, and flower of his florishing youth, being fresh, lusty, iocond, to take no other care, but to imploy his mony to buy gay presents for pretty Lasses, to frame his gréen wits in penning loue ditties, his voice to sing them sweetly, his wandring eyes to gaze one the fairest dames, and his wanton thoughts to plot meanes for the speedy accomplishment of his wished desires, according to the compasse of his estate. And albeit his parents or some other of his kindred, doe perhaps furnish him with necessary maintenance, so that he wants nothing, but liues in all ease and delight, yet cannot this content him, or satisfie his vnexperienced mind: for although he dayly see many married men, first lapt in lobbes pound, wanting former libertie, and compassed round in a cage of many cares, yet notwithstanding being ouer-ruled by selfe will, and blinded by folly: he suppose them therein to haue the fulnes of their delight, because they haue so neare them the Image of content, Venus starre gloriously blazing vpon them, I meane a daintie faire wife, brauely attired, whose apparell perhaps is not yet paide for, (howsoeuer to draw their husbands into a fooles paradice) they make him beleeue, that their father or mother haue of their cost and bounty affoorded it. This lustie youth (as I earst said) seeing them already in this maze of bitter sweetnes, he goes round about, turmoyling himselfe in seeking an entrance, and taking such paines to finde his owne paine, that in the end, in he gets, when for the hast he makes, to haue a taste of these supposed delicates, he hath no leisure to thinke, or no care to prouide those things that are hereunto requisite. The iolly yonker being thus gotten in, doth for a time swim in delight, and hath no desire at all to wind him selfe out againe, till time and vse, which makes all things more familiar and lesse pleasing, doe qualifie this humor, then glutted with satietie, or pinched with penury, he may perhaps begin to see his follie, and repent as well his fondnes, as his too much forwardnes, but all too late, he must haue patience perforce: his wife must be maintained according to her degrée, and withall (co~monly it happes she carie the right stomacke of a woman) slender maintenance will not serue, for as their mindes mount aboue their estates, so commonly wil they haue their abillements. And if at a feast or some other gosseps méeting whereunto she is inuited, she sée any of the companie gaily attyred for cost, or fashion, or both, & chiefly the latter, for generally women do affect nouelties, she forthwith moues a question in her selfe, why she also should not be in like sort attyred, to haue her garments cut after the new fashion as well as the rest, and answers it with resolution, that she will, and must haue the like: Awaiting onely fit time and place, for the moning and winning of her husband therevnto, of both which she will make such choice, that when she speakes she will be sure to speede: obseruing her opportunitie when she might take her husband at the most aduantage, which is co~monly in the bed, the gardaine of loue, the state of marriage delights, & the life wherin the weaker sexe hath euer the better: when therefore this lustie gallant would [...]his desired pleasures, for which cause he chiefly ran wilfully into the perill of Lobs pound, then squeamishly she begins thus, saying; I pray you husband let me alone, trouble me not, for I am not well at ease: which he hearing presently makes this reply. Why my sweet hart what ailes you, are you not well? I pray thée wife tell me, where lies thy griefe? or what is the cause of your discontent: wherevpon the vile woman fetching a déepe sigh, makes this answere. O husband God help me, I haue cause enough to gréeue, and if you knew all you would say so: but alas it is in vaine to tell you any thing, seeing that whatsoeuer I say, you make but light reckning of it: and therfore it is best for me to bury my sorrowes in silence, being out of hope to haue any help at your hands. Iesus wife (saith he) why vse you these words, is my vnkindnes such that I may not knowe your griefes? tell me I say what is the matter? In truth husband it were to no purpose, for I knowe your custome well inough; as for my words, they are but wast wind in your eares, for how great soeuer my griefe is, I am assured you will but make light of it, and thinke that I speake it for some other purpose.

Goe too wife, saith her husband, tell it me, for I wil know it. Well husband, if you will needs, you shalt you know on Thursday last, I was sent for, and you wiSection of illegible textled me to goe to Mistresse M. churching, and when I came thither I found great cheare, & no smal companie of wiues, but the meanest of them all was not so ill attired as I, and surely I was neuer so ashamed of my selfe in my life, yet I speak it not to praise my selfe: but it is well knowne, and I bare boldly say, that the best woman there came of no better stocke then I. But alas I speake not this for my selfe, for God wot I passe not how meanely I am apparelled, but I speake it for your credit & my friends. Why wife, saith he, of what calling & degrée were those you speak of? Truly good husband (saith she) the meanest that was there, being but of my degrée, was in her gowné with trunck sléeues, her vardingale, her turkie grograin kirtle; her taffety hat with a gold band, and these with ye rest of her attire, made of ye newest fashion, which is knowe the best: whereas I poore wretch had on my threadbare gowne, which was made me so long agoe, against I was married, besides that it was now too short for me, for it is I remember since it was made aboue thrée yeares agoe, since which time I am growne very much, and so changed with cares and griefes, that I looke farre older then I am: Trust me I was so ashamed, being amongst my neighbours, that I had not the heart to looke vp, but that which gréeued me most was, when mistresse Luce. B and mistres T. say openly that it was a shame both for you and me, that I had no better apparell. Tush wise (quoth the good-man) let them say what they list, we are neuer a whit the worse for their words, we haue enough to doe with our money though we spend it not in apparell: you knowe wife when we met together, we had no great store of houshold stuffe, but were fain to buy tSection of illegible text afterward by some and some, as God sent mony, and yet you see we want many things that is necessary to be had: besides the quarter day is neere, and my Landlord you know will not forbeare his rent: moreouer you see how much it costs me in law about the recouering of the Tenement which I should haue by you, God send me to get it quickly, or els I shall haue but a bad bargaine of it, for it hath already almost cost me as much as it is worth. At these words his wiues coller begins to rise, whereupon she makes hSection of illegible text this answere. Iesus God (saith she) when you haue nothing else to hit me in the téeth withall, yée twit me with the Tenement: but it is my fortune. Why how now wife saith her husband, are you now angry for nothing· Nay I am not angry, I must be content with that which God hath ordained for me: but I wis the time was, when I might haue bene better aduised, there are some yet liuing that would haue bene glad to haue me in my smock, whom you know well enough, to be propper young men, and therewithall wise and wealthy, but I verily suppose I was bewitcht to match with a man that loues me not, though I purchased the ill will of all my friends for his sake, this is all the good that I haue gotten thereby: I may truly say I am the most vnhahpy woman in the world: doe you thinke that Law. Tom. & N. M. (who were both suters to me) doe kéepe their wiues so? no by cochs body, for I know the worst cloathes that they cast off, is better then my very best, which I weare on the cheifest dayes in the yeere: I know not what the cause is that so many good women die, but I would to God that I were dead too, that I might not troble you no more seeing I am such an eie sore vnto you. Now by my faith wife saith he, you say not well, there is nothing that I thinke too good for you, if my abillitie can compasse it. But you knowe our estate, we must doe as we may, & not as we would, yet be of good cheare, and turne to me, and I will straine my selfe to please you, in this or any other thing. Nay for Gods sake let me alone, I haue no mind on such matters, and if you had no more desire therto then I, I promise you, you wou'd neuer tuch me. No wife (saith he) hoping so with a iest to make hee mery, by my honestie I sweare, I verily thinke that if I were dead, you would not be long without another husband. No maruaile sure saith she, I lead such a good life with you now. By my christian soule I sweare, there should neuer man kisse my lipps againe. And if I thought I should liue long with you, I would vse meanes to make my selfe away: herewithall she puts finger in the eye making shew as though she wept. Thus plaies she with the sillie sot her husband (meaning nothing lesse then to doe as she saies) while he poore foole is in mind both wel and ill apaid, he thinkes himselfe well, because he imagines hee of a cold constitution, and therefore exceeding chast: he thinkes himselfe ill, to sée her fained teares, for that he verily supposes she loues him, which doth not a little gréeue him, being so kind and tender hearted. Therefore he vseth all meanes possible to make her quiet, neither wil he giue her ouer, till he hath effected it. But she prosecuting her former purpose, which she hath alreadie set in so faire a forwardnes, makes as though she were nothing moued with his gentle perswasions; Therefore to crosse him, she gets her vp betimes in the morning, sooner a great deale then she was wont, pouting and lowring all the day, & not giuing him one good word. But when night comes, and they againe both in bed, laying her selfe sullenly downe, and continuing still silent, the good man harkens whether she sléep or no, feeles if she be wel couered or not, he softly plucks vp the cloaths vpon her, lapping her warme, being dubble diligent to please her ying all this while winking, noting his kindnes and carefulnes towards her, séemes on a suddaine to awake from a sound sléepe, gruntling and Section of illegible textssing under the shéets, giuing him occasion thereby thus to begin. How now swéet hart, what are you a sléepe? A sléepe (saith she) I faith sir no: a troubled mind can neuer take good rest. Why woma~ are you not quie yet? No doubt (saith she) you care much whether The or no. By lady wife, and so I doe: and since yesternight I haue bethought me (hauing well considered your words) that it is very meete and requisite, that you should be better furnished with apparell then heretofore you haue bene, for indéed I must confesse thy cloaths are too simple. And therfore I mean against my cousin M. wedding (which you know wil be shortly) that you shall haue a new gowne, made on the bell fashion, with all things sutable thereunto, in such sort that the best woman in the parish shall not passe you. Nay (quoth she) God willing I mean to go to no weddings this twelue moneths, for the goodly credit I got by the last. By my faith (Section of illegible textaith he) but you shall: what? you must not be so headstrong and selfe-wild. I tell you if I say the word, you shall goe, and you shall want nothing that you aske or require. That I aske? alas husband (quoth she) I aske nothing, neither did I speake this for any desire Note in marg: Not she for twentie pound good woman that I haue to goe braue: trust me for mine oSection of illegible textne part I care not if I neuer stirre abroad, saue onely to church: but what I said was vpon the spéeches which were there vset, and such other like words, which my gossip N. told me that she had also heard in company where she was. With these words ye good kind foole her husband is netted, for on the one side he considers his sundry other occasions to vse meney, and his small store thereof, which is perhaps so stender, that his single purse cannot extempery change a double pistolet. And so ill bested is he of houshold stuffe, that perhaps the third part is not a sufficient pawne for so much money, as this new suite of his wiues will stand him in. But on the other side he waighes her discontent, the report of neighbours spéeches, and lastly, how good a wife he hath of her: how chast, how louing, how religious, whereof the kind Asse hath such an opinion, that he thankes God with all his heart, for blessing him with such a Iewell: In this thought he resolues that all other things set aside, he must and will content her. And here with all he sets his braines a fresh on worke, to consider how best he may compasse it: And in this humor he spends the whole night without sléepe, in continuall thought. And it comes to passe that the wife perceiuing to what a point she hath brought her purpose, doth not a little reioyce and smile in her sléeue to sée it. The next morning by the breake of day the poore man gets vp, who for care and thought could take no rest all night, and goes presently to the Drapers, of Illegible word he takes, vp cloth for thrée moneths time, paying for it after an Illegible word rate, by reason of their forbearance, and in like sort makes prouision for the rest; or perhaps because he would buy it at a better rate, he pawnes for readie mony the lease of his house, or some faire péece of plate (which his grandfather bought, and his father charily kéeping) left for him, which now he is enforced to part with, to furnish thereby his wines pride: and hauing thus dispatched his busines, he returnes home with a merrie heart, and shewes his wife what he had done: who being now sure of all, begins to curse the first inuentors of pride, and excesse in apparell: saying, fye vpon it, what pride is this? but I pray you husband, doe not say hereafter, that I made you lay out your mony in this néedles sort, for I profest that I haue no delight or desire to goe thus garishly: If I haue to couer my body and kéepe me warme it contents me. The good man hearing his wife say so, doth euen leape for ioy, thinking all her words Gospell, and therefore presently he sets the Taylor a worke, willing him to dispatch out of hand, that his wife may be braue so soone as may be. She hauing thus obtained her purpose, doth inwardly triumph for very ioy, howsoeuer outwardly she doth dissemble. And whereas before she vaunted, that she could find in her heart to kéepe alwaies within doores, she will be sure now euery good day to goe abroad, and at each feast and Gossips méeting to be a continuall guest, that all may see her brauerie, and how well she doth become it, for which cause she also comes euery Sunday daily to the Church, that there she may sée and be séene, which her husband thinkeSection of illegible text she doth of méere deuotion. But in the meane while the time runs on, and the day comes, wherein the poore man must pay his creditors, which being vnable to doe, he is at length arrested, and after due procéeding in law, he hath an execution serued vpon him, or else his pawne is forfaited, and by either of both he is almost vtterly vndone. Then must his fine wife of force vaile her peacocks plumes, and full againe to her old byas, kéeping her house against her will, because she could not be furnisht with gay attire according to her minde. But God knoweth in what miserie the Section of illegible textllie man doth liue, being daily vered with her brawling and scolding, exclaiming against him, that all the house doth ring thereof, and in this sort she begins her fagaries. Now cursed be the day that euer I sawe thy face, and a shame take them that brought me first acquainted with thée: I would to God I had either died in my cradle, or gone to my graue when I went to be married with thée. Was euer woman of my degrée Note in marg: Alas poore soule. and birth brought to this beggerie? Or any of my bringing vp kept thus basely, and brought to this shame Illegible word I which little knew what labour meant, must now toyle and tend the house as a drudge, hauing neuer a coate to my bacSection of illegible texte, or scant hansome hose to my legs, and yet all little enough, whereas I wis I might haue had twentie good mariages, in the meanest of which I should haue liued at ease and pleasure, without being put to any paine, or suffering anSection of illegible text  penurie. Wretch that I am, why doe I liue? now would to God I were in my graue alreadie, for I am wearie of the world, wearie of my life, and wearie of all. Thus doth she daily complaine, and lay all the fault of her fall on him which least deserued it, nothing remembring her owne pride, in coueting things aboue her estate or abilitie, her misgouernment, and daily gadding with her Gossips to banquets and BridSection of illegible textles, when she should haue lookt to the house, and followed her owne busines at home. And his follie is also such, that being blinded with Dotage, (through too much louing her,) cannot perceiue that shée is the cause of all this euill, of all the cares, griefes, and thoughts, which perplere and torture him, and yet nothing cuts him so much as this, to sée her so fSection of illegible textish and vnquiet, when if he can at any time somewhat pacifie, then is his heart somewhat at rest. Thus doth the sillie wretch tosse and turmoyle himselfe in Lobs pound, wrapt in a kinde of pleasing woe, but of the which hee hath neither power, nor will to winde himselfe; but therein doeth consume the remnant of his Languishing life, and miserablie ends his dayes.