The Atlantic Monthly/Volume 1/Number 7/Amours de Voyage

[Concluded.]

IV.

Eastward, or Northward, or West? I wander, and ask as I wander, Weary, yet eager and sure, where shall I come to my love? Whitherward hasten to seek her? Ye daughters of Italy, tell me, Graceful and tender and dark, is she consorting with you? Thou that out-climbest the torrent, that tendest thy goats to the summit, Call to me, child of the Alp, has she been seen on the heights? Italy, farewell I bid thee! for, whither she leads me, I follow. Farewell the vineyard! for I, where I but guess her, must go. Weariness welcome, and labor, wherever it be, if at last it     Bring me in mountain or plain into the sight of my love.

I.--Claude to Eustace,--_from Florence_.

Gone from Florence; indeed; and that is truly provoking;-- Gone to Milan, it seems; then I go also to Milan. Five days now departed; but they can travel but slowly;-- I quicker far; and I know, as it happens, the house they will go to.-- Why, what else should I do? Stay here and look at the pictures, Statues, and churches? Alack, I am sick of the statues and pictures!-- No, to Bologna, Parma, Piacenza, Lodi, and Milan, Off go we to-night,--and the Venus go to the Devil!

II.--Claude to Eustace,--_from Bellaggio_.

Gone to Como, they said; and I have posted to Como. There was a letter left, but the _cameriere_ had lost it. Could it have been for me? They came, however, to Como, And from Como went by the boat,--perhaps to the Splügen,-- Or to the Stelvio, say, and the Tyrol; also it might be By Porlezza across to Lugano, and so to the Simplon Possibly, or the St. Gothard, or possibly, too, to Baveno, Orta, Turin, and elsewhere. Indeed, I am greatly bewildered.

III.--Claude to Eustace,--_from Bellaggio_.

I have been up the Splügen, and on the Stelvio also: Neither of these can I find they have followed; in no one inn, and This would be odd, have they written their names. I have been to      Porlezza. There they have not been seen, and therefore not at Lugano. What shall I do? Go on through the Tyrol, Switzerland, Deutschland, Seeking, an inverse Saul, a kingdom, to find only asses? There is a tide, at least in the _love_ affairs of mortals, Which, when taken at flood, leads on to the happiest fortune,-- Leads to the marriage-morn and the orange-flowers and the altar, And the long lawful line of crowned joys to crowned joys succeeding.-- Ah, it has ebbed with me! Ye gods, and when it was flowing, Pitiful fool that I was, to stand fiddle-faddling in that way!

IV.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE,--_from Bellaggio._

I have returned and found their names in the book at Como. Certain it is I was right, and yet I am also in error. Added in feminine hand, I read, _By the boat to Bellaggio._-- So to Bellaggio again, with the words of her writing, to aid me. Yet at Bellaggio I find no trace, no sort of remembrance. So I am here, and wait, and know every hour will remove them.

V.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE,--_from Belaggio._

I have but one chance left,--and that is, going to Florence. But it is cruel to turn. The mountains seem to demand me,-- Peak and valley from far to beckon and motion me onward. Somewhere amid their folds she passes whom fain I would follow; Somewhere among those heights she haply calls me to seek her. Ah, could I hear her call! could I catch the glimpse of her raiment! Turn, however, I must, though it seem I turn to desert her; For the sense of the thing is simply to hurry to Florence, Where the certainty yet may be learnt, I suppose, from the Ropers.

VI.--MARY TREVELLYN, _from Lucerne_, TO MISS ROPER, _at Florence_.

Dear Miss Roper,--By this you are safely away, we are hoping, Many a league from Rome; ere long we trust we shall see you. How have you travelled? I wonder;--was Mr. Claude your companion? As for ourselves, we went from Como straight to Lugano; So by the Mount St. Gothard;--we meant to go by Porlezza, Taking the steamer, and stopping, as you had advised, at Bellaggio; Two or three days or more; but this was suddenly altered, After we left the hotel, on the very way to the steamer. So we have seen, I fear, not one of the lakes in perfection. Well, he is not come; and now, I suppose, he will not come. What will you think, meantime?--and yet I must really confess it;-- What will you say? I wrote him a note. We left in a hurry, Went from Milan to Como three days before we expected. But I thought, if he came all the way to Milan, he really Ought not to be disappointed; and so I wrote three lines to Say I had heard he was coming, desirous of joining our party;-- If so, then I said, we had started for Como, and meant to Cross the St. Gothard, and stay, we believed, at Lucerne, for the summer. Was it wrong? and why, if it was, has it failed to bring him? Did he not think it worth while to come to Milan? He knew (you Told him) the house we should go to. Or may it, perhaps, have miscarried? Any way, now, I repent, and am heartily vexed that I wrote it. There is a home on the shore of the Alpine sea, that upswelling High up the mountain-sides spreads in the hollow between; Wilderness, mountain, and snow from the land of the olive conceal it; Under Pilatus's hill low by its river it lies: Italy, utter one word, and the olive and vine will allure not,-- Wilderness, forest, and snow will not the passage impede; Italy, unto thy cities receding, the clue to recover, Hither, recovered the clue, shall not the traveller haste?

V.

There is a city, upbuilt on the quays of the turbulent Arno, Under Fiesole's heights,--thither are we to return? There is a city that fringes the curve of the inflowing waters, Under the perilous hill fringes the beautiful bay,-- Parthenope do they call thee?--the Siren, Neapolis, seated Under Vesevus's hill,--thither are we to proceed?-- Sicily, Greece, will invite, and the Orient;--or are we to turn to   England, which may after all be for its children the best?

I.--MARY TREVELLYN, _at Lucerne_, TO MISS ROPER, _at Florence_.

So you are really free, and living in quiet at Florence; That is delightful news;--you travelled slowly and safely; Mr. Claude got you out; took rooms at Florence before you; Wrote from Milan to say so; had left directly for Milan, Hoping to find us soon;--_if he could, he would, you are certain._-- Dear Miss Roper, your letter has made me exceedingly happy. You are quite sure, you say, he asked you about our intentions; You had not heard of Lucerne as yet, but told him of Como.-- Well, perhaps he will come;--however, I will not expect it. Though you say you are sure,--if he can, he will, _you are certain._ O my dear, many thanks from your ever affectionate Mary.

II.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

Florence.

_Action will furnish belief,_--but will that belief be the true one? This is the point, you know. However, it doesn't much matter What one wants, I suppose, is to predetermine the action, So as to make it entail, not a chance-belief, but the true one. _Out of the question,_ you say, _if a thing isn't wrong, we      may do it._ Ah! but this wrong, you see;--but I do not know that it matters. Eustace, the Ropers are gone, and no one can tell me about them.

Pisa.

Pisa, they say they think; and so I follow to Pisa, Hither and thither inquiring. I weary of making inquiries; I am ashamed, I declare, of asking people about it.-- Who are your friends? You said you had friends who would certainly know them.

Florence.

But it is idle, moping, and thinking, and trying to fix her Image more and more in, to write the old perfect inscription Over and over again upon every page of remembrance. I have settled to stay at Florence to wait for your answer. Who are your friends? Write quickly and tell me. I wait for your answer.

III.--MARY TREVELLYN TO MISS ROPER, _at Lucca Baths_.

You are at Lucca Baths, you tell me, to stay for the summer; Florence was quite too hot; you can't move further at present. Will you not come, do you think, before the summer is over? Mr. C. got you out with very considerable trouble; And he was useful and kind, and seemed so happy to serve you; Didn't stay with you long, but talked very openly to you; Made you almost his confessor, without appearing to know it,-- What about?--and you say you didn't need his confessions. O my dear Miss Roper, I dare not trust what you tell me! Will he come, do you think? I am really so sorry for him! They didn't give him my letter at Milan, I feel pretty certain. You had told him Bellaggio. We didn't go to Bellaggio; So he would miss our track, and perhaps never come to Lugano, Where we were written in full, _To Lucerne, across the St.      Gothard._ But he could write to you;--you would tell him where you were going.

IV.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

Let me, then, bear to forget her. I will not cling to her falsely; Nothing factitious or forced shall impair the old happy relation. I will let myself go, forget, not try to remember; I will walk on my way, accept the chances that meet me, Freely encounter the world, imbibe these alien airs, and Never ask if new feelings and thoughts are of her or of others. Is she not changing, herself?--the old image would only delude me. I will be bold, too, and change,--if it must be. Yet if in all things, Yet if I do but aspire evermore to the Absolute only, I shall be doing, I think, somehow, what she will be doing;-- I shall be thine, O my child, some way, though I know not in what way. Let me submit to forget her; I must; I already forget her.

V.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

Utterly vain is, alas, this attempt at the Absolute,--wholly! I, who believed not in her, because I would fain believe nothing, Have to believe as I may, with a wilful, unmeaning acceptance. I, who refused to enfasten the roots of my floating existence In the rich earth, cling now to the hard, naked rock that is left me.-- Ah! she was worthy, Eustace,--and that, indeed, is my comfort,-- Worthy a nobler heart than a fool such as I could have given.

VI.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

Yes, it relieves me to write, though I do not send; and the chance that Takes may destroy my fragments. But as men pray, without asking Whether One really exist to hear or do anything for them,-- Simply impelled by the need of the moment to turn to a Being In a conception of whom there is freedom from all limitation,-- So in your image I turn to an _ens rationis_ of friendship. Even to write in your name I know not to whom nor in what wise.

VII.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

There was a time, methought it was but lately departed, When, if a thing was denied me, I felt I was bound to attempt it; Choice alone should take, and choice alone should surrender. There was a time, indeed, when I had not retired thus early, Languidly thus, from pursuit of a purpose I once had adopted. But it is over, all that! I have slunk from the perilous field in Whose wild struggle of forces the prizes of life are contested. It is over, all that! I am a coward, and know it. Courage in me could be only factitious, unnatural, useless.

VIII.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

Rome is fallen, I hear, the gallant Medici taken, Noble Manara slain, and Garibaldi has lost _il Moro_;-- Rome is fallen; and fallen, or falling, heroical Venice. I, meanwhile, for the loss of a single small chit of a girl, sit Moping and mourning here,--for her, and myself much smaller. Whither depart the souls of the brave that die in the battle, Die in the lost, lost fight, for the cause that perishes with them? Are they upborne from the field on the slumberous pinions of angels Unto a far-off home, where the weary rest from their labor, And the deep wounds are healed, and the bitter and burning moisture Wiped from the generous eyes? or do they linger, unhappy, Pining, and haunting the grave of their by-gone hope and endeavor? All declamation, alas! though I talk, I care not for Rome, nor Italy; feebly and faintly, and but with the lips, can lament the Wreck of the Lombard youth and the victory of the oppressor. Whither depart the brave?--God knows; I certainly do not.

IX.--MARY TREVELLYN TO MISS ROPER.

He has not come as yet; and now I must not expect it. You have written, you say, to friends at Florence, to see him, If he perhaps should return;--but that is surely unlikely. Has he not written to you?--he did not know your direction. Oh, how strange never once to have told him where you were going! Yet if he only wrote to Florence, that would have reached you. If what you say he said was true, why has he not done so? Is he gone back to Rome, do you think, to his Vatican marbles?-- O my dear Miss Roper, forgive me! do not be angry!-- You have written to Florence;--your friends would certainly find him. Might you not write to him?--but yet it is so little likely! I shall expect nothing more.--Ever yours, your affectionate Mary.

X.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

I cannot stay at Florence, not even to wait for a letter. Galleries only oppress me. Remembrance of hope I had cherished (Almost more than as hope, when I passed through Florence the first      time) Lies like a sword in my soul. I am more a coward than ever, Chicken-hearted, past thought. The _caffes_ and waiters distress me. All is unkind, and, alas, I am ready for any one's kindness. Oh, I knew it of old, and knew it, I thought, to perfection, If there is any one thing in the world to preclude all kindness, It is the need of it,--it is this sad self-defeating dependence. Why is this, Eustace? Myself, were I stronger, I think I could tell you. But it is odd when it comes. So plumb I the deeps of depression, Daily in deeper, and find no support, no will, no purpose. All my old strengths are gone. And yet I shall have to do something. Ah, the key of our life, that passes all wards, opens all locks, Is not _I will_, but _I must_. I must,--I must,--and I do      it.

XI--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

At the last moment I have your letter, for which I was waiting. I have taken my place, and see no good in inquiries. Do nothing more, good Eustace, I pray you. It only will vex me. Take no measures. Indeed, should we meet, I could not be certain; All might be changed, you know. Or perhaps there was nothing to be      changed. It is a curious history, this; and yet I foresaw it; I could have told it before. The Fates, it is clear, are against us; For it is certain enough that I met with the people you mention; They were at Florence the day I returned there, and spoke to me even; Staid a week, saw me often; departed, and whither I know not. Great is Fate, and is best. I believe in Providence, partly. What is ordained is right, and all that happens is ordered. Ah, no, that isn't it. But yet I retain my conclusion: I will go where I am led, and will not dictate to the chances. Do nothing more, I beg. If you love me, forbear interfering.

XII.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE.

Shall we come out of it all, some day, as one does from a tunnel? Will it be all at once, without our doing or asking, We shall behold clear day, the trees and meadows about us, And the faces of friends, and the eyes we loved looking at us? Who knows? Who can say? It will not do to suppose it.

XIII.--CLAUDE TO EUSTACE,--_from Rome_.

Rome will not suit me, Eustace; the priests and soldiers possess it; Priests and soldiers;--and, ah! which is worst, the priest or the soldier? Politics farewell, however! For what could I do? with inquiring, Talking, collating the journals, go fever my brain about things o'er Which I can have no control. No, happen whatever may happen, Time, I suppose, will subsist; the earth will revolve on its axis; People will travel; the stranger will wander as now in the city; Rome will be here, and the Pope the _custode_ of Vatican marbles. I have no heart, however, for any marble or fresco; I have essayed it in vain; 'tis vain as yet to essay it: But I may haply resume some day my studies in this kind. Not as the Scripture says, is, I think, the fact. Ere our death-day, Faith, I think, does pass, and Love; but Knowledge abideth. Let us seek Knowledge;--the rest must come and go as it happens. Knowledge is hard to seek, and harder yet to adhere to. Knowledge is painful often; and yet when we know, we are happy. Seek it, and leave mere Faith and Love to come with the chances. As for Hope,--to-morrow I hope to be starting for Naples. Rome will not do, I see; for many very good reasons. Eastward, then, I suppose, with the coming of winter, to Egypt.

XIV.--Mary Trevellyn to Miss Roper.

You have heard nothing; of course, I know you can have heard nothing. Ah, well, more than once I have broken my purpose, and sometimes, Only too often, have looked for the little lake-steamer to bring him. But it is only fancy,--I do not really expect it. Oh, and you see I know so exactly how he would take it: Finding the chances prevail against meeting again, he would banish Forthwith every thought of the poor little possible hope, which I myself could not help, perhaps, thinking only too much of; He would resign himself, and go. I see it exactly. So I also submit, although in a different manner. Can you not really come? We go very shortly to England.

*      *       *       *       *

So go forth to the world, to the good report and the evil! Go, little book! thy tale, is it not evil and good? Go, and if strangers revile, pass quietly by without answer. Go, and if curious friends ask of thy rearing and age, Say, _I am flitting about many years from brain unto brain of   Feeble and restless youths born to inglorious days_; _But_, so finish the word, _I was writ in a Roman chamber, When from Janiculan heights thundered the cannon of France_.