The American Language/Appendix 3

[Mr. Lardner also very kindly wrote the following for the present work. A ham, of course, means a fifth-rate actor. The scene is the sidewalk in front of the Lambs Club. The two hams, meeting, stop for a chat.]

FIRST HAM&mdash;Have you seen Craven?

SECOND HAM&mdash;Yes, I was in Thursday.

FIRST HAM&mdash;Its a great troupe.

SECOND HAM&mdash;I give him the notion. I says to him last summer, I says, Frank, I got a great notion for you. He says, What is it, Charley? So then I give him the notion.

FIRST HAM&mdash;Its a great troupe. I enjoyed every minute, if you know what I mean.

SECOND HAM&mdash;I give him the notion.

FIRST HAM&mdash;Hes wrote himself a great part, if you know what I mean.

SECOND HAM&mdash;I give him the notion.

FIRST HAM&mdash;Hes a duke in that kind of a part.

SECOND HAM&mdash;Howd you like the gal?

FIRST HAM&mdash;Just fair, if you know what I mean. But Whats his-name was lousy the day I was in, if you know what I mean.

SECOND HAM&mdash;I dont think they cast it very good.

FIRST HAM&mdash;No, and when you come right down to it, theys nothin to the troupe, only the notion.

SECOND HAM&mdash;I give him the notion.

FIRST HAM&mdash;Itd be a flop without Craven.

SECOND HAM&mdash;Thats the way I figured when I had the notion, and I tol Craven, I says, Frank, I got a notion thatd make a play for you, but itd be a flop for anybody else.

FIRST HAM&mdash;Theys really nothin to it but hoakum, if you know what I mean. But they eat it up.

SECOND HAM&mdash;Too bad they aint got a bigger theater.

FIRST HAM&mdash;You cant tell. It might flop in a bigger house. Its just a little every-day family troupe, if you know what I mean. Nothin to it but Craven and the notion.

SECOND HAM&mdash;I give him the notion.