Real Reciprocity

Author of The Mississippi Bubble" "The Sowing" etc.

N YE year Four Thousand and Eleven and Four, word came to ye Kingdom of Hys Sovereign Majesty King Alfonse, yt beyond Seas, in ye Lande between New Spayne & New Jersey & between ye North Sea & ye South Sea was a strange Folk yt was Heethens & yt hadde Mutch Golde. Soe now I, Juan de Smette, of ye Baronie known as Scottville, a Noble of birth, didde Goe to Hys Majesty & sayde to Himme: Good my Lord, ys is Dedde Easy.

¶What mean ye Good me Knight, sayde Himme to Mee, and prithee, what is Toward?

¶Mutch is Doynge, Good me King, sayde I to Himme, for Loe! are many Heethens with mutch Golde & ye Bizzness of good Kingys is for to Convert ye Heethen for and, if ye Heathen have ye Pryce, soe Mutch ye better for Themme yt carry ye Gospell, sayde I to Himme. Whereupon I didde Wink ye Eye to Himme alsoe, butte Discreat (Meanynge to Convert ye Heethen & Alsoe ye Golde).

¶Ye King not onderstanding of Thys, I sayde to Himme, more Especial, Good me King ye Heethen nead ye Gospell & We nead ye Money, soe it seemeth right for us Exchange ye two, & with two stout Ships I forsooth ben Able to carry out ye Gospell & bring Back ye Golde, which in my Eyes seemeth Excellent Good. Alsoe I doubte notte I fetch ye fulle treatie of ye Reciprocitie. Whereat I didde winke ye two Eyes to Himme; and Presently ye Good King didde Smyle to ye Breadth of about two Spannes & sayde, Of a truth ys is Excellent Good! Verily ye shall Have ye two Stout Ships & ye Powder & Bawl; & for yt ye Goe among Foreign Parts & heethen People, look Well yt ye take Along at Leaste one Copy of ye Scriptures, for noe Man Knoweth what may Happen. ¶Soe thenne I set Foarth.

¶Laus Deo.

¶Now we Sayled to New Spayne, which is by ye South Sea, & thenne didde Pass uppe ye Coast to ye North along a Land yt was Inhabited by Heethens butte Thease being Poore we didde not Tarry among Themme, althoe They didde make mutch Divertysements to draw us Ashoar, butte we in no Wise made Answer, being out for ye Goodes. Soe now at Last we come to a Plaice where were many Men yt didde Dygge a deep Ditch at a Plaice where ye Coast was moast Narrow & which was yclept ye Isthmus of Pannama. Prithee, good Sirs, we didde ask of Thease, what do ye Hear a-dyggynge so Wyde & Deepe, & sayde Themme to Uss, Go wan, thatte ye know Notte ye Canal de Pannama. Marry Goode Sirs, sayde We, What is ye Canal de Pannama & They made Mirth at Uss.

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¶We asked of Thease, How long, Think ye, to be a dyggynge of ye Canal de Pannama, Whereat Themme made Mirth against Uss yet Agayne and sayde Themme, Prithee, come ye Back Agayne in about Two Thousand Years & Mayhap by Thenne it may Percolate a Fewe!

¶Soe now We knew We were come Among ye Heethen, butte Themme didde have Aspeckt so Defoarmed, yt We feared to seek to Bring Themme into ye true Faythe, althoe we now ben Assured thease hadde mutch Golde, else didde They not Dygge Two Thousand Years and still Guess, soe we asked Thease who was Their Head or sovereign Cacique, & Agayne They didde make Merry at Uss & some sayde T. Shonts, and some sayde T. Rosenfeld & some Goodhals, and others sayde a Cacique of ye Heethen yt was yclept Taft. Yette others made merry & sayde yt ye True Boss was Theodore, ye Heethen King, ye same hight T. Rosenfeld. Yette Others sayde yt They would be Danged (in Heethen Speach) iffe yt They knew who was ye Real Boss or whatte it was All About. Butte sayde They, It be a Glorious Deede of yt We be well Assured.

¶Heare gat we noe Reciprocitie.

¶Laus Deo.

¶Soe now We sayled to ye Citty of ye True Cross & There didde take ye Shaiv Tail Mewel to ye Citty yt is ye Cappital of New Spayne, wh is withyn ye Provinces back fromme ye Sea, & wh is sayde to abound in Golde & now Come upon an Heethen yclept Jo Bayley who woar a Golde Studde in hys spyke-tale Evening Cloathes wh didde Show Himme to be a Heethen, & thenne we didde Soak Himme Abounding Mutch, & departed for other Parts, & soon didde meet yette other Heethens & of Themme slew Four Hundred & Fourty-nine to ye Glory of ye Faythe & ye Renown of yr Sovereign Majesty Alfonse, butte hadde no Golde yette from Themme & were Soar Displeased.

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¶Now, being Well Assured yt They would hereafter Attend ye Service of ye Christian Church, thereafter We now didde make our Course Afoot with ye Intent to Goe into ye Province of ye Heethen King Theodore, who was esteamed in thease Parts to use Golde for ye Boyler of ye Steme Heated Castles in wh ye Heethen were reputed to Dwell in thoase Provinces. & one day as We journeyed to ye North we didde Taik Captive a fayre Mayde, yt hadde None too much Cloathes for ye Grayce of Godde, butte who was Fayre to looke Upon & who sayde to our (respeckftd Enquiries) yt She ben One of many Brides Pro Tem of ye Pittsburgh Millionaires, whom We not in ye Leaste onderstand, butte She mayde Merry with Uss and sayde We were folk of small Wit or we didde know yt all Pittsburgh Millionaires were of ys fashion of Deedes, & We didde ask Her what Golde was in thease Provinces & She mayde reply, No Man might Measure Itte, for Thatte, sayde She, I didde not yette see ye Bottom of ye Pyle, or I didde skip You can Bette. At wh manner of speach we marvelled Mutch, butte Knowing She was a Heethen didde not putte Her to ye Sword, She a-sayyinge She would now marry a Cacique of ye naim of Nat Goodwin. Soe she didde goe foarth agayne to ye Province yt is called Pittsburgh, ye wh We doe Think is in New Jersey. Butte yette we had no Golde.

¶As yette founde we noe reciprocitie withal.

¶Laus Deo.

¶Soe now we mayde Journey farre to ye North, a space of many months, on ye Horse & ye Foote & ye Shaiv Tail Mewel, & came into ye Province of Chicague, ye Saim Innhabited by strange & unseamly Heethens of greate Stature & of mutch Kine & alsoe of mutch Golde, butte we feared to begin ye Conversion of ye Saim to ye True Faythe for They were of so greate stature & warlike Manner of Speach, as thatte We should chase Ourselves, or Gette to Blazes Out (or to Whatte Place Evil Doers dwell), ye like & and many other strange Speaches ye wh We didde not onderstand in ye Leaste. Butte We sette down in ye Bookes ye Doyngs of ye Heethen for ye Glory of Hys Sovereign Majesty King Alfonse.

¶Now one of thease Doyngs is where Many of thease Heethen gather together of a day yt is called Giving Thanks; for on ys Day they all come together for greate Gaims, being Joyful thatte They have not ben despoyled of other Heethens, & of thease Gaims thatte one called Feet Ball is ye graytest of themme in wh Eleven of their Warriors meet Eleven other & seek to Kick inne ye Fayce of ye other Eleven or as many as May Be. For the Seeing of thease Gaims They have high Playces made, & to thease Playces come Heethen from many Provinces, often-tymes to ye Number of Fourty & Four Thousand, or Mayhap more, soe greate Joy have Thease to see ye Fayce kicked inne. And ye While ye Fayce be kicked inne, loe! a greate shouting very doleful ariseth from all ye People on ye high Playces. Now inne this warfare many be Killed & lose ye Arm or ye Legge, yette it is acclaimed greate Honor soe to be maymed, & thatte ye Warriors may be payde ye Gait Man doth take ye Piaster or more from All who come thither and ye Pyle of Piasters at ye Gaim be High as any House in New Spayne.

¶We of ye True Faythe did Pause at ye Gaim of Feet Ball a Tyme, being accounted something of Warriors Ourselves, butte certain of Uss being by Chance upon ys field of Battle at ye Tyme those yt kick in ye Fayce were Running after one yt had ye Leathern Ball of other Warrior Thease came swiftly upon Uss & didde overthrow Uss & walk upon Uss soar, thoe we had Armor of Proof & were goodlye Men at Arms, yette didde thease Heethen bend our Armor & treat Uss soar & didde kick Uss off ye Ground of ye Gaim with many of Uss soar Wounded & like to die from ye Hurts. Such among Themme is ye Gaim yt is called Feet Ball ye wh They account a most Christian Gaim, thoe it be Far from Sutch. Butte here We got no Golde, soe We set foarth with ye Shaiv Tail Mewel yette further to ye North & ye East, toward ye Province wh is yclept New Jersey.

¶Now inne yt Plaice as we were well Assured all Men had Golde even as ye Millionaires of ye Citty of Pittsburgh, also do practyce ye Faythe of Pollygamy & many other Heethen Practyces, & alsoe do Rob All who come. Now, seeing yt this was ye Custom of ye Province wherein we now were come, We fell upon a pedlar Man, the same Blind in 1 eye, & having Thirty Cents of ye Realm upon hys Person, & Himme we robbed after ye Fashion of ye Land, butte didde Push inne ye Fayce of ys Man for yt he had butte Thirty Cents. Marry, oure first Reciprocitie yette not mutch!

¶Laus Deo.

¶Now atte ye Citty yt is yclept Cleaveland in ye Province Ohio they didde have King Taft ye First, & ye Last & many other Kings for itte be a King Producer from Way Yonder, so sayde Themme to Uss—there in yt Part we didde find many strange Customs of ye Heethens, ye wh doe make me Pause to tell, soe strange They be & soe hard for ye Christian Folk to believe. For in this Province all ye Folk each Year make ye Tithes, butte ye Nine parts goe to ye Kingys and ye One part stayeth to Encourage ye Plane People to Doe Itte Agayne!

¶Ye Manner in wh They doe Itte is this: They have a greate Heethen King, ye saim a Most Christian King by their story as well, & this King he be Passing Rich in Golde from all ye Provinces of this Land. Ye Plane People maik Gladde to carry Himme ye Golde wh they find, noe matter how Mutch soever itte be, at wh We didde marvel very mutch atte ys way of Doyng yette soe it is. All Golde yt is found is brought by ye Plane People to ys greate Heethen King, ye wh is yclept ye Goode King John & Many doe hold Himme far More Greate than ye Heethen King Theodore, wh is ye King (in naim) of all ye Tribes & Provinces, or ye Cacique Taft, ye wh is mutch a Frende of ye King Theodore.

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¶Ye Goode King John doth own all ye Boats & Steam Wagons (for soe They goe About) & all ye Ice & ye Fire & ye Light & ye Ayre & ye Ground & all Manner of Things yt grow upon ye Ground, & whenne He asketh yt One be made Sub-King, soe He is Forthwith made Sub-King. Ye Goode King John owneth also ye Houses wherein ye Plain People inhabit, & all ye Shaddows of ye Plane People, & ye Tobacco & ye Chewing Gumme & ye Hair Oil & likewise ye School in wh Plane Folk would send their Children for to learn to be also greate Kingys. Also He owneth ye Toothpick after ye Meale & ye Meale before ye Toothpick (all butte ye Meete, for other Heethen own ye Meete, althoe all thease cry out yt it is False & accurst to say thease Things be soe). Yette all ye Tyme They have them soe ye wh seemeth to Uss most Strange & Ungodlie butte soe it is. Thease Heethens be well nigh too Deep for Uss & whenne We would separate Goode King John from some Part of hys mutch Golde, loe! He was Hard to Separate, & We ben cast out, Soe now we fall upon a Other Plane Man yt seamed to Uss Easy, & would rob Himme after ye Fashion of thease Provinces, butte loe! Himme didde Smyle at Uss sadde, & sayde, Loe! ye Goode King John gotte to Me First! Soe thenne we sette foarth from ye Citty of Cleaveland seeyng Itte was N. G. For and one made Question. Did ye finde ye Reciprocitie. Soe made we answer, I trow nit.

¶Laus Deo. ¶Now, having conquered ye Country from New Spayne of ye Province of ye Lait King yt was called Andy ye First wh is in ye Citty yclept Pittsburgh, we arrived for a Tyme in ye sayde Citty of Pittsburgh & found there mutch Golde butte also Passing Hard to Separate from ye Heethen. Now in ys Citty be many Millionaires & thease be Passing Gaye soe it seemeth sometimes, as is spread Abroad, althoe of thease Things we wot not other than We didde hear from ye Fayre Mayde yt was Prisoner far to ye South of thease Parts.

¶We gotte no Golde hear, soe now We set foarth for ye Province of New Jersey, being right well assured yt in this Province layeth ye Towns yt is yclept ye Seven Citties of Cibola (wh is to say, ye Plaice of Easy Money). For loe! in New Jersey been many towns, also states.

¶Now ye Passage of ye Mountains with ye Shaiv Tail Mewel was mutch Travail, for now we ben all mutch put to Itte for to eat, having dwelt with these Heethens many Months & yette gotte small Golde, for yt ye many Kings hadde all ye Golde befoar We didde come thither. Butte after mutch Wandering in strange lands We didde come to ys Province of New Jersey & were soar at Heart & mutch cast down, for hear alsoe was no Easy Money (for us). Neather was any Golde free-milling. In ye Stead was one Tall House & on Itte many Naims, & thease Naims stood for ye Tribes yt didde own ye Golde & at Tymes came thither Thoase needing Money & didde write their Naims on papers, saying how mutch Money They needed, & loe! the Plane Folk didde give Themme Money as they hadde wish; Butte not in New Jersey.

¶Soe now We were soar Distressed not onderstanding thease soe mutch as We didde think. Now We heard perchance yt in ye Citty of New York wh is not many Days March of ye Shaiv Tail Mewel from ye Province of New Jersey, was mutch Golde for All, soe now We set Foarth.

¶Butte whenne We mayde Journey to ye Citty of New York, Itte was no Easy Money for ye Wanderer with ye True Faythe. Mutch Golde didde We see, alsoe ye Drunken Chinamen, & many Strange & Heethen Spectacles & Dances & ye like sutch as may not be Tolde in godlie Parchment, & althoe mutch Golde was there We gotte butte Little for yt whenne We fell upon ye Plane Folk & despoyled Themme they Laughed Uss in our Beard, saying, Ah, ha ha, & loe! ye Goode King J. Pierp hath ben hear First. Ye saim J. Pierp is One of ye Kings in ye Provinces hereabout, althoe there be Many who say He is no King soe greate as ye Goode King John, for yt althoe ye King J. Pierp owneth ye Earth, ye Goode King John owneth also ye Waters under ye Earth & maketh ye Light of this! We heard of War to be between thease two Kings (& ye Plane Folk to do ye Fighting in ye War).

¶Now, being mutch Cast Down at having no Golde of thease Heethen, We even taik ye Shaiv Tail Mewel for ye Journey to ye Provinces of Those yt are called Brothers, for yt They dwell in Brotherly Love alway. Now, whenne We were come thither, loe! many Plane Folk were running about & some hadde a Rope. Marry, goode Sirs, sayde we, whatte doe ye hear, & They mayde answer We doe butte hang a Councilman & Legislatorre or soe & whatte is yt to Youse? & Some were for pulling up ye Street Railways & some for pulling down ye Gass House & ye State House & Others for doing many other Things, butte soon ye Plane People didde cool down & go about earning moar Money for ye Goode Kings John, J. Pierp, & Others, to witte, Dittoe, Dittoe.

¶Marry, good Your Majesty, thease be a Strange Folk & none like Themme in all the World. Butte yette We gott no Golde, none being Loose, & We were of a Mind to Journey to a Province naimed Washington after a King long since dead & forgot & who mayhap was butte a King in ye Dreams of ye Plane Folk & not really a Man as  Thease. There we were assured was mutch Golde & many Kingys of many Provinces & hear also once dwelt ye Heethen King Theodore, ye saim who was a-dyggynge of ye Canal de Pannama, and ye Cacique yclept Taft, and ye mutch great King wh is Yclept Jocannon. Soe farre no Reciprocitie In ye Indies hereabout is ye saim like ye Handel on ye Jugge.

¶Laus Deo.

¶Now, all ye Folk in thease Heethen Lands wist not They be Heethen butte ever cry aloud at all Manner of Tymes: Loe! Taik ye a Look, for we be ye Greatest People in ye Whoal Wid  World, & none be Like Uss! Ye wh I be well disposed to say is  ye Truth, for althoe thease People have soe many Kings who rob Themme ever & taik  away all They have, none the less They have no Grouch butte Like Itte, yt They thus ben Robbed.

¶Of Churches They have butte Few & Few go therein, althoe there be many Priests with ye Brass Band & ye Minstrel Show & other Divertysements to lead Themme intoe ye Churches; butte ever They doe stand without ye Church & all ye Whyle lift up ye Voice & cry out, We be the Greatest People on ye Whole Wide World. Now They have a Religion, butte itte is notte like to Ours & is Heethen, for They worship whatte is yclept ye Industry, and ye Priests of ys They naim ye Captains of ye Industry, & thease be thoase They bow down to & worship exceeding, thoe We thought not mutch of thease Priests bv ye Looks of Themme, & sought notte to Worship as didde Thease.

¶Now This City yt is called after ye ancient Heethen Godde Washington is ye Head Playce where all ye Worship of ye Captains is mayde, & hear be many Captains thatte (in jest) are sayde to speak for ye Plane Folk (ye wh They never Doe). Hear in their Ruling is yt wh is yclept ye Senate, all therein being Rich from whatte is yclept in this speach ye Graft. Of thease none care for the Plane Folk save once in each Six Years (whenne atte ye Senator loveth ye Plane Folk Exceeding Mutch!)

¶Now, some Kingys be hear from many Provinces ye wh are not soe greate as ye Kingys of ye Senate, & some of Thease be yclept Dubs, sometimes Insurgents, butte Marry, we found not whatte they gayned by insurging, for that over all Thease ruleth ye Heethen King Jocannon, ye same moast Profayne.

¶Himme, ye Heethen King, We were well disposed to see, for yt We found urselves strange in thease Provinces & notte apt at separating of ye Golde from ye Plane Folk as was ye Custom of ye Country, & he being King might tell Uss ys soe We might taik our Share of ye Graft as didde thease Kings, Senators & Dubs, as each may best be called in ye Speach of ye Land. Whereatte he made Mirth at Uss & mutch Profayne Speach. Marry, sayde He, itte is easy when thatte You Know How. In my own Case, I need only to Disguyse myself as one of the Plane People, so thatte I rob the Plane People with ease, & so Mutch do they like this, they Call me ye People's Friend.

¶Ye Cacique Taft didde gnash his Teeth at thease Kings of ye Provinces, yt they didde not doe in ye Way of Washington or Lincoln or ye other Heethen Goddes of ye Past. Butte ye Senate most Especial sayde to Himme, Loe! who is Boss and to whom belongeth ye Spoyl of ye Plane People? Althoe he gnashed his Teeth many sayde yt ye Senate was holding ye Services of their Worship. (Thease Services be to Bow Down before ye One yt hath ye most Pyle of ye Money of ye Plane People. Himme they worship ye Most.)

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¶Ye Cacique Taft sayde to ye Plane People, Waitte till yt I gette this Tariffe and ye Platformme ye saime. Either I do this or I gette goode reesons for not doyng Itte. (Butte many sayde to Uss yt he would gette ye Goode Reesons for not doyng itte.)

¶Now a True Religion there is none in all ye Land save only thatte they call ye Golde & thatte they call ye Graft & thatte they call ye Industry. Ye Captains of ye Industry be their Priests & forsooth ys be their Religion, & a more Strange & Mutch Crazed Heethen Folk was never found between ye South Sea & ye North. Ye Heethen Cacique Taft could no more give Uss Counsel for to gette Golde than Any we hadde bespoak befoar ys Tyme. All he could say was yt We should fall upon Any we found as didde Thease Others, & taik whatte they hadde, & thank ye Fortune if none of thease Kings hadde gotte to Themme first (as hadde soe many Tymes befallen Uss).

¶Soe now we found Thease Heethen dwelling without any Law & without any Religion, in Madness & Sorrow & mutch Opprest of many Kingys, althoe They go about Shouting They be Free & ye Greatest People in ye Whoal Wide World ye wh is butte a Jest soe Far be itte from ye Holy Truth. In thys Blindness forsooth We left Themme dwelling, all despoyled & exulting in Itte, all Sad butte a-shouting They were Merry, all without Hope (althoe ye Cacique Taft sayeth yette there shall be ye Hope), yette all crying Aloud, Loe! we are the Real Goodes!

¶Butte of the last I prithee to say Those who would win Glory & Great Fortune & save Souls for ye True Faythe, Goe not to America, for in those Parts thease Things may notte be done, since thatte soe many Kings be there ahead, and ye saim have gotte to ye Plane People first. Neather didde we carry ye True Faythe, nor didde We Brake offe ye True Golde, nor any moar Reciprocitie than ye one (1) Handel on two (2) Jugges, and seeyng thatte We could taike nothyng else, forsooth we didde talk Ship for Home.

¶Laus Deo.

¶Done at ye Royal Palace of ye Goode King Alfonse in ye Year of Our Lord Four Thousand & Fourty-seven, set in ye Scroll by ye Goode Monk Gonsalvo of ye Expedition into ye Heethen Lands in ye Indies & between ye South & ye North Seas. & sygned by ye New Seal of ye Order given Me by ye Heethen Caciques as ye Emblem of thys Heethen People & so sealed, in token of ye Humble Discoveries herein set Foarth.

¶Laus Deo.

JUAN DE SMETTE. ($ $)