Page:Works of Tagore from the Modern Review, 1909-24 Segment 1.pdf/258

390 Surely, she had perceived this inward weariness in my nursing. I did not know then, but now I have not an iota of doubt that she could read me off as easily as a simple alphabet-book. Therefore, when assuming the role of the hero of a novel, I solemnly protested my love in a romantic vein she did but break out into a laugh in a spirit of deep affection and irrepressible fun. I would fain die with shame even to this day, when I think that she could read my innermost thoughts, unknown though they were to myself, like the searcher of hearts.

Haran Doctor belonged to my own caste. I was often invited to dine at his house. After a few visits the doctor introduced me to his daughter. The girl was unmarried—she was about 15 years of age. He could not marry her owing to the dearth of eligible bridegrooms, So the Doctor said. But I heard a rumour from outsiders that there was a flaw in the family pedigree.

There was no other flaw. She was as fair as she was accomplished. At times, therefore, on account of the discussion of various topics with her I was late in returning home and the time for administering medicine to my wife would be deferred. She knew that I had been to Haran Doctor's, but she never inquired after the reason for delay.

Once again, I began to see a mirage in the midst of a desert. When my whole soul was thirsty, clear overflowing water sparkled and bubbled before my very eyes. With all my efforts I could not turn my heart away.

The sickroom became doubly cheerless. Irregularities in nursing and administering medicine grew pretty frequent now.

Haran Doctor used to tell me often that it was better for those that were incurable to die, for in dragging their existence on they themselves enjoyed no ease and made others unhappy as well. The remark is unexceptionable as a general statement, still he had not acted well in starting the topic apropos of my wife. But doctors are so callous with regard to Life and Death that they are unable to gauge our feelings aright.

One day, I overheard by chance, from an adjoining room, a conversation between my wife and the doctor. She was saying "Doctor, why do you swell up the druggist's bill by making me swallow useless drugs? When my life itself is a disease, why not prescribe such a medicine as will make a speedy end of it?" The doctor exclaimed "For shame, don't talk thus."

These words gave a sudden and violent shock to my heart. When the doctor was gone I went to my wife's room. I sat at her bedside and began to smooth her temples with my hands. She complained "It is very hot here. It is better that you should go out. It is time for taking your 'constitutional', else you won't have a good appetite for your supper."

The plain import of going out was to call at the Doctor's house. It was I who had explained to her that to have a good appetite, a walk was absolutely necessary. Now, | can say it for certain, that she could perceive my pervarication everyday. I, fool as I was, took her for a fool."

At this stage Dakshiná Babu, resting his head on his hands, remained silent for a long spell. At last he asked for a glass of water. He drank it off and made a fresh start:—

"One day, the doctor's daughter Monoramá expressed a desire to visit my wife. I know not why, but I did not much relish the proposal; But there could be no fair and reasonable grounds for objection. She came to our house one evening.

That evening, my wife's pain was considerably aggravated. In moments of intense suffering she used to remain quiet and motionless. Her suffering could be inferred only from her clenched fists and livid face. Nothing was stirring in the room. I sat still at the bed-side. To-day she had not sufficient strength to request me to go out for a walk; or she had a yearning in her heart of hearts to have me by during her severe suffering.

The kerosene light was put beside the door to spare her eyes. The room was dark and silent. Only her hard breathing became audible during the intercession of pain.

Just at this time Monoramá stood before the door. The light of the lamp from the opposite side fell full upon her face, which so dazed her eyes that she could not, for a moment, discern what was in the room and she hesitated before entering.

My wife started and seized my hand and asked me who was there. In the weak