Page:Theparadiseoftheholyfathers.djvu/339

 remnant she left to me when I was very young. Then with difficulty came death to my mother, and in my opinion, he was afraid to approach her, for great worms grew in her, and with much trouble she was buried, the weather by its serenity, and the sun by his splendour helping [in the work].

Now after the death of my mother, and whilst I was still a little girl, I left the world. During the period when I was a young woman the lusts of the body were stirred up within me, and they goaded me severely, and I used to rise up in the evening (or night) that I might lie down again and find a little relief from the disturbance of my mind. And a struggle went on in my thoughts, for I wondered what manner of life I should choose for myself, and how I should end the days of my life, and whether they would be passed in quietness and happiness, and fair chastity, even as they were during my father’s lifetime. Then my thoughts spake unto me thus:—“Behold, in this world thy father did not enjoy any happiness whatsoever, but he passed all his life in sickness and wretchedness, and he departed from this world of trouble under the same circumstances, and even the earth was unwilling to receive his body; are [men] to receive such a life as this from (?) God, and why did my father deserve such treatment? On the other hand, supposing I chose to lead a life like that of my mother, will that be any better to deliver my body over to fornication, and lasciviousness, and the gratification of [my] lusts? For, behold, my mother left no kind of abominable wickedness which she did not commit, and she destroyed her whole life with her depravity, and yet she departed from this world having enjoyed health and prosperity every day [of her life]! What then? Is it not then right for me to live even as she lived? For it is better that I should believe with mine own eyes, and that they should see for themselves the variety and the ending of such matters, for there is nothing better than to understand thoroughly whatsoever we see openly before our eyes.”

And I, the wretched girl, vainly imagined that such thoughts were the thoughts of truth, and for this reason I determined to prepare myself to live even as my mother had lived. Now when the night had overtaken me, and immediately sleep had fallen upon me after thinking thoughts of this kind, a certain man, of huge stature, stood up above me; and his appearance was frightful, and his form made me tremble and terrified me, and his face was hard, and in a stern voice he asked me, saying, “Tell me, so and so, what are these thoughts which are in thy heart?” And, because I was terrified by his appearance and form, I scarcely dared to look upon