Page:The woman in battle .djvu/502

448 temptation that was constantly growing stronger and stronger, I suddenly left, after having been at work about two weeks.

Had it been possible for me to have destroyed the arsenal without loss of life, I would most assuredly have done it; but the circumstances being what they were, it has been a great satisfaction to me ever since that I did not attempt anything of the kind, just as it has been a satisfaction to me that I did not kill General Grant when I had an opportunity to do so on the night after the first day's fight at Shiloh. I doubt, however, whether there would have been a great many men, either Confederates or Federals, who would have been so considerate in similar situations, especially if the deed could have been performed without risk to themselves. I am confident that I could have fired the Indianapolis arsenal without serious danger of being detected, but I do not suppose any one will think the worse of me that I did not do it.

The great number of letters I received from nearly every quarter, within a very brief period, excited curiosity and remark. After my first few visits to the post office the clerk began to take notice of me, and he would say something nearly every time I called for my mail about the extent of my correspondence. What he said was in a joking sort of a way, and under some circumstances I should have thought nothing of it; but not knowing, from day to day, what might happen, it caused me some uneasiness to attract this kind of attention, both for my own sake and for the sake of my correspondents. I very well knew that did the Federal authorities suspect me the least of being a Confederate agent, there would be no hesitation whatever about opening my letters ; and if some of them had been opened, there would have been fine revelations; for, although many of them were obscurely worded, so as not to be readily understood except by myself and the others interested, it would have been a comparatively easy matter to have gained from them a knowledge of some of the most important secret Confederate operations ; and this would not have been pleasant for me and some of my associates.

For these, as well as other reasons, I was anxious to leave Indianapolis at as early a day as I possibly could, but was unable to move for lack of orders, and also for lack of cash. My funds, in fact, were running very low, so low as to give me considerable uneasiness lest I should be unable to meet my expenses; and I anxiously awaited a remittance, which, as is apt to be the case with remittances that are anxiously awaited,