Page:The whole familiar colloquies of Desiderius Erasmus of Rotterdam.djvu/327

THE IMPOSTURE. 323 be an act of Parliament that the same person shall not be a barber and a surgeon too. Get. But that is the way to starve the barbers. Pe. Then let them spend less, and be something better paid for shaving. Ga. Let it be so with all my heart. Pe. And let there be a law made, too, that nobody shall drink out of the same cup with another. Ga. They will scarce be confined to that in England. Pe. And that two shall not lie in the same bed, unless they be husband and wife. Ga. I like that very well. Pe. And then as to inns, let no stranger sleep in the same sheets that another has lain in before. Ga. But what will you do then with the Germans, who scarce wash them twice a year ? Pe. Let them employ washerwomen. And, besides, let them leave off the custom of salut- ing with a kiss, although it be of an old standing. Ga. But then as to the churches? Pe. Let every one hold his hand before his mouth. Ga. But then as to common conversation 1 Pe. Let that direction of Homer be observed, "Not to come too near the person he talks too, and let he that hears him keep his lips shut." Ga. Twelve tables would scarce contain all these laws, Pe. But in the meantime, what advice do you give for the poor unfortunate girl? Pe. What can 1 give her but this, that unless she likes being miserable (she be so as little as she can), to clap her hands before her mouth whenever her husband offers to kiss her, and to put on armour when she goes to bed with him. Ga. Whither do you steer your course when you go home 1 ? Pe. Directly to my closet. Ga. What are you going to do there? Pe. They have desired me to write an epithalamium ; but instead of it I will write an epitaph.  

Ph. I wish you health, Livinus. Li. I will be well, if that will please you ; but do you be upon your guard, for I design to catch you if you don't watch me very narrowly. Ph. An open enemy is not much to be feared. But come on, deceive me if you can. Li. I have deceived you already, and you have not perceived it; but take care of the second time. Ph. I believe I have to do with a master of leger- demain; I cannot find you have imposed upon me at all. Li. Well, then, be very attentive this time, except you have a mind to be de- ceived, as you have been twice already. Ph. I am prepared for you ; begin. Li. What you bid me do is done already. Ph. What is acted, or what is done ? I perceive nothing of deceit. Li. Well, though I have given you warning so many times already, however, mind this time. Ph. This is a new sort of conjuration. You tell me you have imposed upon me, and I perceive nothing of art in all this, although I watch very narrowly your eyes, your hands, and your tongue. But come, the other touch ; begin again.

Li. I have begun again and again, over and over so many times, and you cannot see the trap that is laid for you. Ph. Wherein do you lay a trap for me ? Li. This tongue, I say, of mine entraps you, and you neither perceive it with your ears nor see it with your eyes. However, now let your eyes and ears be both attentive. Ph. I can-