Page:The whole familiar colloquies of Desiderius Erasmus of Rotterdam.djvu/297

 THE FUNERAL. 293 had they to say 1 ? Ph. They rattled off the parson soundly, calling him ass, and one fitter to be a pastor of swine than men's souls. I, says Vincent, am a bachelor of divinity, and am shortly to be licensed and take my degree of doctor, and you can scarce read the collect, you are so far from being fit to dive into the secrets of a man's conscience. But if you have such an itch of curiosity, go home and inquire into the privacies of your concubine and bastards. And a great deal more of such stuff, that I am ashamed to mention. Ma. And did he say nothing to all this 1 Ph. Nothing, do you say ? Never was any man so nettled. I, says he, will make a better bachelor than you of a beanstalk; as for your masters, Dominic and Francis, pray, where did they ever learn Aristotle's philosophy, the argu- ments of Thomas, or the speculations of Scotus 1 Where did they take their degree of bachelors 1 You have crept into a credulous world, a company of mean wretches, though some, I must confess, were devout and learned. You nested at first in fields and villages, and thence anon you transplanted yourselves into opulent cities, and none but the best part of them neither would content you. Your business lay then only in places that could not maintain a pastor, but now, forsooth, none but great men's houses will serve your turn. You boast much of your being priests, but your privileges are not worth a rush, unless in the absence of the bishop, pastor, or his curate. Not a man of you shall ever come into my pulpit, I will assure you, as long as I am pastor. It is true I am no bachelor, no more was St. Martin, and yet he discharged the office of a bishop for all that. If I have not so much learning as I should, I will never come a begging to you for it. Do you think the world is so stupid as to think the holiness of Dominic and Francis is entailed upon the habit 1 Is it any business of yours what I do at my own house ] It is very well known in the world what you do in your cells, and how you handle your holy virgins. Nobody is ignorant that you make those rich men's houses you frequent no better than they should be. For the rest, Marcolphus, you must excuse me, it is too foul to be told ; but in truth he handled the reverend fathers very scurvily ; and there had been no end of it if George had not held up his hand in token he had something to say, and it was with much ado that the storm was laid at last, though but for a little while. Then says the sick man, Peace be among you, I will confess myself over again to you, Mr. Parson; and as for the charge of tolling the bell, my funeral-rites, ray monument and burial, they shall all be paid down to you before you go out of the house ; I will take order that you shall have no cause to complain. Ma. Did the parson refuse this fair proposal ? Ph. He did not absolutely refuse it, but he muttered something to himself about confession ; but he remitted it at last, and told them there was no need of troubling the patient or the priest with the same things over again ; but if he had confessed to me in time, said he, perhaps he would have made his will upon better conditions ; but if it be not as it should be, you must now look to it. This equity of the sick man vexed the monks to the heart, who thought very much that any part of the booty should go to the parson of the parish. But upon my intercession the matter was composed ; the parson gave the sick man the unction and the sacrament, received his dues, and went away. s