Page:The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 16.djvu/149

Rh therefore I advise, that the door may be always left at jar, so as to open it with your foot, and then you may carry out plates and dishes from your belly up to your chin, beside a good quantity of things under your arms, which will save you many a weary step; but take care that none of the burden falls till you are out of the room, and if possible out of hearing.

If you are sent to the postoffice with a letter in a cold rainy night, step to the alehouse and take a pot, until it is supposed you have done your errand; but take the next fair opportunity to put the letter in carefully, as becomes an honest servant.

If you are ordered to make coffee for the ladies after dinner, and the pot happens to boil over, while you are running up for a spoon to stir it, or thinking of something else, or struggling with the chambermaid for a kiss, wipe the sides of the pot clean with a dishclout, carry up your coffee boldly, and when your lady finds it too weak, and examines you whether it has not run over, deny the fact absolutely, swear you put in more coffee than ordinary, that you never stirred an inch from it, that you strove to make it better than usual, because your mistress had ladies with her, that the servants in the kitchen will justify what you say; upon this, you will find that the other ladies will pronounce your coffee to be very good, and your mistress will confess that her mouth is out of taste, and she will for the future suspect herself, and be more cautious in finding fault. This I would have you do from a principle of conscience, for coffee is very unwholesome; and out of affection to your lady you ought to give it her as weak