Page:The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift, Volume 16.djvu/120

112 the cat or the mastiff in it, who will do as well: mislay a fork or spoon so as he may never find it. If it be the cook, whenever she turns her back, throw a lump of soot, or a handful of salt, in the pot, or smoking coals into the drippingpan, or daub the roast meat with the back of the chimney, or hide the key of the jack. If a footman be suspected, let the cook daub the back of his new livery; or when he is going up with a dish of soup, let her follow him softly with a ladle full, and dribble it all the way up stairs to the dining-room, and then let the housemaid make such a noise, that her lady may hear it. The waiting maid is very likely to be guilty of this fault, in hopes to ingratiate herself: in this case the laundress must be sure to tear her smocks in the washing, and yet wash them but half; and when she complains, tell all the house that she sweats so much, and her flesh is so nasty, that she fouls a smock more in one hour, than the kitchenmaid does in a week.

N my directions to servants, I find from my long observation, that you butlers are the principal persons concerned.

Your business being of the greatest variety, and requiring the greatest exactness, I shall, as well as I can