Page:The Wild Goose.djvu/12

Rh this 'ere affair, and got 'em a bad name—he did. Last week he said the pigs a-gettin of some crushed biscuit for dinner; he chased them away from their tub, and devoured all their mess hisself. he tried on this 'ere dodge till at last the pigs couldn't stick it no longer; when he came again, one on 'em, a little black 'un, wouldn't budge; the ruffin never said a word, but drew out and hit the poor pig a smash in the hi, and ever since the hanimal 'as to wear a shade (Sensation in Court.)

The Judge said no further witness was needed. he addressed the jury as follows:—Look here, you jury, you've heard about this 'ere orful crime as this 'ere Samuel Wiggins 'as been a-committin of. If you can let him off, do; but you can't; for I say he's guilty of this 'ere charge; and if anyone 'ere says different, he'll be tried and pumped on. (Hear, hear.) Now, no gammon; hands up for "guilty." (Here was a unanimous show of hands. The Judge himself putting up two very unwashed specimens.)  Of course, no one here wants to vote for "not guilty." (Cries of "no, no.")—His Lordship then proceeded to pass sentence. he said:—Samuel Wiggins, have you anythink to say for yourself, you ruffin?—Mr. W. only scowled.—He then said:—"The sentence of this 'ere court is this—that you, S. Wiggins, being convicted of a horrible and aggravated crime, the respectable witnesses 'aving clearly proved you to be a cowardous villain, wot steals baccer and vittals from yer poor mates, which they haint got near enough for theirselves, as is a unpardonable noosance on your part, being a feller of very hugly character: you must first be tarred all over by the gen'lmen of this 'ere court, after that, locked in the closet for three hours, and afterwards scrubbed with a birch or 'air broom." (Immense applause.)

The court forthwith carried the sentence into execution; and we trust that the "birch or 'air brooms" carried away his plundering profanities as well as his coat of tar.

Per Equatorial Line, Valentian 13$th.$ Nov., '67. —A dreadful conflagration broke out amongst McGillicuddy's Reeks last night, supposed to be the work of an incendiary. We understand they are not insured. several tourists have been seen prowling about the locality lately.

Via Cape Cod, Nov. 15$th$ —A raid has been made on the banks of Newfoundland, by the pirate, Davy Jones, whose locker now contains their accumulated wealth. Several special constables started in pursuit.

Salt beef scarce; the supply in market rather too salt and bony.—Mutton made its appearance ths week, but was bought in by agents from foreign markets (aft.)—Pork still high.—Tobacco—no alteration in last week's quotations.—Sugar.—scarce, and much (S)peculation in this article.—Flour.—demand increasing.—Eggs, none in market, except goose lays ; we presume that all others are hatched ; the supply of fowl air being very plentiful between decks.—Sherry, steady demand for the article, but sales are checked in accordance with the rise; if the vendors act fair to back us (Bacchus) we believe the supply will increase, and a steady demand be continued, which will tend to a considerable rise in spirits.

Later Still.—Nov. 16$th.$ —The Man in the Moon has just died, and the Emperor of the Celestial Empire claims his effects as next of kin.