Page:The Tsar's Window.djvu/193

 many times you have cut me to the heart by the plain expression of your dislike, I am weak enough to care for you. I never meant you to know it. Now that I have betrayed myself, however" (biting his mustache nervously, while I dropped my hands in my lap, and looked straight into his face), "it is as well for me to tell you frankly that my future seems dark, and my whole life worthless. You once told me I had no depth of feeling. You are as incapable of measuring the anguish I feel as a child would be! Would to heaven I had 'no depth of feeling'! In that case it would have given me no pain to see the poorly concealed aversion with which you always have turned from me."

He broke off abruptly, with a short, bitter laugh.

"I grow garrulous," he cried. "Why do you not tell me that I bore you? I came to plead for Thurber, and I spend the time talking about myself. I should never have taken any steps in the matter had I not thought that your happiness was involved,—Thurber is nothing to me. I will go away" (rising to his feet); but I put out my hand, and murmured,—

"No, not yet. I must speak to you before you go."

He sat down obediently and waited. I looked at him attentively. He was surely in his right mind. How blind I had been,—how stupidly blind!

"I hardly know what I am saying," I began, "for I have a splitting headache. But I want to tell you that I think you must be mistaken, but—but—I am—" I rubbed my forehead and hesitated for a word.