Page:The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club.djvu/441

359 THE I'ICKVVICK CLUB. 359

over his unmanly intentions, by proving- to you, that, on one occasion, when he returned from the country, he distinctly and in terms, offered her marriage : previously however, taking special care that there should be no witnesses to their solemn contract ; and I am in a situation to prove to you, on the testimony of three of his own friends, — most unwilling- witnesses, gentlemen — most unwilling witnesses — that on that morning he was discovered by them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and soothing her agitation by his caresses and endear- ments."

A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this part of the learned sergeant's address. Drawing forth two very small scraps of paper, he proceeded —

" And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters have passed between these parties, letters which are admitted to be in the hand- writing of the defendant, and which speak volumes indeed. These let- ters, too, bespeak the character of the man. They are not open, fer- vent, eloquent epistles, breathing nothing but the language of affec- tionate attachment. They are covert, sly, underhanded communications, but, fortunately, far more conclusive than if couched in the most glow- ing language and the most poetic imagery — letters that must be viewed with a cautious and suspicious eye — letters that were evidently intended at the time, by Pickwick, to m.islead and delude any third parties mto whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first : — * Garraway's, twelve o'clock. — Dear Mrs. B. — Chops and Toraata sauce. Yours, PiCKW^iCK.' Gentlemen, what doey this mean ? Chops and Tomata sauce. Yours, Pickwick ! Chops ! Gracious heavens ! and Tomata sauce I Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding female to be trifled away, by such shallow artifices as these ? The next has no date whatever, which is in itself suspicious. — ' Dear Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till to-morrow. Slow coach.' And then follows this very remarkable expression — ' Dont trouble yourself about the warming- pan.' The warming-pan ! Why, gentlemen, who does trouble himself about a warming-pan ? When was the peace of mind of man or woman broken or disturbed by a warming-pan, which is in itself a harmless, a useful, and I will add, gentlemen, a comforting article of domestic furni- ture ? Why is JMrs. Bardell so earnestly entreated not to agitate her- self about this warming-pan, unless (as is no doubt the case) it is a mere cover for hidden fire — a mere substitute for some endearing word or pro- mise, agreably to a preconcerted system of correspondence, artiully contrived by Pickwick with a view to his comtemplated desertion, and which I am not in a condition to explain ? And what does this allusion to the slow coach mean ? For aught I know, it may be a reference to Pickwick himself, who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow coach during the whole of this transaction, but whose speed will now be veiy unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon be greased by you ! "

Mr. Sergeant Buzfuz paused in this place, to see whether the jury smiled at his joke ; biit as nobody took it but the green grocer, whose sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned by his having