Page:The Pilgrim's Progress, the Holy War, Grace Abounding Chunk3.djvu/17

Rh nor pardon my transgressions. Then, while I was thinking of it and fearing lest it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind to go on in sin. For, thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable—miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them. I can but be damned; and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins as be damned for few.

24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play before all that then were present; but yet I told them nothing. But, I say, having made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again, and I well remember that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think. Wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desires, for that I feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lie not; neither do I frame this sort of speech, These were really, strongly, and with all my heart my desires; the good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive my transgressions.

25. And I am very confident that this temptation of the devil is more usual among poor creatures than many are aware of: yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them that there are no hopes for them; for they have loved sins, therefore after them they will go. (Jer. 25; xviii. 12.)

26. Now, therefore, I went on in sin, still grudging that I could not be satisfied with it as I would. This continue with me about a month or more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop window, and there cursing and swearing after my wonted manner, there sat within the woman of the house, who heard me; and though she was a very loose and, ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore