Page:The Novels and Tales of Henry James, Volume 1 (New York, Charles Scribner's Sons, 1907).djvu/440

 "You know also of your mother's deep disappointment?"

"Her disappointment's demonstrative. She has been abusing me for the last twenty-four hours as if I were the vilest of the vile"—a statement to which the purity of the girl's beauty gave a high dramatic value. "I 've failed of respect to her at other times, but I 've not done so now. How is it failing of respect to have found out at last, once for all, and with terrible trouble and pain, by how much too little I care for the person she wishes to force upon me—by how much too much I don't care for him? I tried—I 've been trying for months—I went as far as I could. And I liked what he offered me, liked it immensely—if I could have had it without him. But to let him think he pleased or satisfied me too—or ever would—that deception struck me finally as too base. I know, I feel in all my bones, nevertheless, what I give up; so that to be clear—clear about my innermost feeling of all, and about that only—has n't been, I assure you, child's play. I was looking for inspiration, if you like; and I found it—well, I found it," she went on, "where I could. Shall I tell you?" she demanded with sudden ardour; "will you understand me? It was on the one side the world, the splendid, beautiful, powerful, interesting world. I know what that is; I 've tasted of the cup; I like its sweetness. Ah, if I chose, if I should let myself go, if I should fling everything to the winds, the world and I would be famous friends. I know its merits, and I think without vanity it would feel mine. You 406