Page:The Novels and Tales of Henry James, Volume 1 (New York, Charles Scribner's Sons, 1907).djvu/343

 possible. They 're not particularly flattering to my vanity. Vanity, however, is a sin, and I listen submissively, with an immense desire to be just. If I have many faults I know it in a general way, and I try, on the whole, to do my best. 'Voyons,{'} I say to myself, 'it is n't particularly charming to hear one's self made out a pig, but it's worth thinking over; there 's probably a good deal of truth in it and at any rate we must be as good a girl as we can. That 's the great point! And then here 's a magnificent chance for humility. If there 's doubt in the matter, let the doubt count against one's self. It 's what Saint Catherine did, and Saint Theresa, and all the others, and they 're said to have had in consequence the most ineffable joys. Let us go in for a little ineffable joy.' I tried it; I swallowed my rising sobs, I made you my curtsey, I determined I would n't be spiteful, nor passionate, nor vengeful, nor anything that 's supposed to be particularly feminine and that ces dames, now saints in heaven, would n't have been. I was a better girl than you made out—better at least than you thought; but I would let the difference go, and do magnificently right lest I should not do right enough. I thought of it a great deal for six hours, when I know I did n't seem to be thinking, and then at last I did it. Santo Dio!"

"My dear Miss Light, my dear Miss Light!" her companion rather vaguely pleaded.

"Since then," the young girl went on, "I've been waiting for the ineffable joys. But they 're dividends, on my speculation, that have n't yet begun to come in." 309