Page:The New Monthly Magazine - Volume 101.djvu/384

 For ball-room partners; so far well—

I still was young, and who could tell

How soon some dangler might declare.

None did—I almost felt despair—

Especially when I was told

Kindly—I looked by no means old!

I gave up balls, and turned devout,

And followed clergymen about

To bible meetings, infant schools,

Conforming to the strictest rules;

But 'twould not do—none of them popped

Therefore that line in time I dropped.

I then turned blue-stocking, and read

Even when reposing on by bed;

As much I'm sure I crammed, more too,

Than Cantabs or Oxonians do

When plucking stands before their eyes,

Or academic honour lies

Within their grasp—but all was vain

A matrimonial prize to gain.

My every plan seemed to miscarry—

So I declared I'd never marry!

I dare say people said "sour grapes"—

And hinted at my "leading apes"—

But I pretended quite to scorn,

All of the male sex ever born.

And for companion — wanting that—

I took a sleek, plump, green-eyed cat.

About this time some quirk of law,

In an old uncle's will, some flaw

My coffers filled with stores of gold,

And I was courted as of old.

Though fully forty years had flown

Over my head, I did not own

To more than thirty-two or three;

None flatly contradicted me.

To parties now once more I went—

To me bouquets once more were sent—

And I resolved once more on this—

To drop the odious name of …. Miss.

Fatal resolve. A wooer came,

With high aristocratic name,

He was third cousin to some duke,

And had a most distingué look,

Dark bushy hair—a slight moustache—

Waltzed well-rode well—but had no cash.

He praised my eyes—he praised my smile—

He knew fall well how to beguile

A trusting heart—at last at last—

The question came! The die was cast!

Flurried and fainting, I said "Yes."

He did not stop my head to press,

But forthwith to his lawyer flew.

The settlements with him he drew,

And I had but the deed to sign

Which took from me all that was mine!

I had not time, just then, for thought;

There were new dresses to be bought,

And orange-flowers, and wedding cake,

And bridal gifts to send and take;

My head went whirling round and round—

Then came the day—what was that sound?

By some mistake the death-bell tolled

Instead of marriage bells—how cold

And frightened I became! That bell—

I knew not them—but—'twas the knell

Of all my comfort here below!

My honeymoon? Heigh-ho—heigh-ho!

Twas passed in bitterness and gall, My bridegroom let the mask soon fall,

Confessed he only sought my pelf,

Nor cared a straw for me myself.

I sobbed, and I was called "old fool"—

I smiled, and I was told "to cool

My antiquated love." I knew

That recklessly my husband threw

My wealth away—yet not a pound

Its way into my pocket found.

Neglected—jeered at—stinted—cheated—

This is the way that I've been treated.

Oh ye! who spinsters have remained

Till a certain age has been attained,

Be warned by my experience!

If ye have any common sense,

Stick still to single-blessedness, Nor madly rush on wretchedness.

You'll lose your money, if you're wealthy—

Be made a sick muse, if you're healthy—

Be laughed at by your dearest friends—

And nothing get to make amends.

Like me, you'll ask, with many a sigh—

"Why did I marry—why, oh why?"