Page:The Mikado or the town of titipu.djvu/31

 I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be disappointed of a wedding— you shall come to mine.

It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.

Why so?

To-day I die.

What do you mean?

I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform the Happy Despatch.

No, no— pardon me— I can't allow that.

Why not?

Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why I shall have to be executed in your place!

It would certainly seem so!

Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?

The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes.

The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To ) Now look here, you know— this is getting serious— a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.

Very well, then— behead me.

What, now?

Certainly; at once.

Chop it off! Chop it off!

My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle!

Still, as Lord High Executioner—

My good sir, as Lord High Executioner I've got to behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you— I can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.)