Page:The Journal of Leo Tolstoy.djvu/428

Rh fight off with all his strength. ("The house is depressing but I want to and will be joyous." ) But this inner struggle in spiritual isolation was of course not easy, and demanded great spiritual strength before it could be fully successful. He was constantly tortured by the injustice of his surrounding life and his own almost futile situation in this life; and he becomes "at times good and calm, at times uneasy and not good." In this state he often wants to cry, and only in time does his condition become less agitated and sometimes even entirely calm.

In the summer of 1898, Tolstoi was twice seriously ill. After these illnesses he entered in his Journal the joy of getting well and a clearness of thinking. Soon after this he underwent new spiritual experiences and in July, 1898, he again considered going away from the conditions of life in Yasnaya Polyana which were depressing and which were against his philosophy. He then wrote a letter to A. A. Järnefelt and made a note in the Journal that he has no strength to withstand the customary temptation, i. e., the desire to go away; it was to Järnefelt that he turned with the request to help him in his plan of going away which he was then considering. But this time also, "the temptation passed," as he wrote him later. And again his life flowed on as before.

The thought of "going away" came to Tolstoi more than once, both early and late, but he