Page:The Journal of Leo Tolstoy.djvu/425

Rh At the same time, Tolstoi complains several times in his Journal of his general indisposition, of his weakness, and of his lack of energy.

In the course of the three years, from 1896 to 1898, Tolstoi often experienced a fall of spirit, strong attacks of sorrow and torturing agony. The greatest part of his suffering was caused by the lack of understanding of several people near to him, either for his point of view or for his inner life, and because of the "emptiness of his surrounding life." He even felt "hatred" for himself and he was burdened by his part in the "unjust, idle, luxurious life." But here the thought would come to him that he had to suffer humiliation, and at times he created supplementary thoughts, which in fun he called "prescriptions" for his spiritual suffering.

On December 2, 1896, Tolstoi wrote in his Journal: "This is my condition oh, this luxury, this richness, this absence of care about the material life! "

The thought that this indeed was his task, given to him, had a calming effect. He tried to look on the conditions in which he was placed as upon a test of humbleness, "humiliation." But "in chains, in a prison, one can pride oneself on one's humiliation"—he wrote—"but here it is only painful,