Page:The Green Bag (1889–1914), Volume 17.pdf/710

 THE LIGHTER SIDE point may be made ridiculous. As an ex ample of this triumph of form over substance, the following will serve. In the conduct of a murder trial the prosecuting attorney, a very able lawyer, asked the following remarkable question, "Did the defendant show any signs of remorse, and if so how many?" Even the learned judge was forced to join in the laugh which followed. Too Short. — Any one fortunate enough to be acquainted with Judge F. M. Bixby of the Police Court of Brockton, Massachusetts, knows that he is much longer in wit than he is in inches, of which fact the following epi sode is a forcible illustration. One morning one of the usual crop of "drunks" on hearing the judicial decree of "Ten Dollars," fall from Judge Bixby's lips, made this plea for clem ency, "Couldn't yer make it five? I'm a little short, judge." Quick as a flash came the retort, "No —-sorry — can't do it. I'm a little short judge myself." A Rising Jury. — Another amusing story of Judge Bixby was told by Thomas H. Proctor of Boston in recalling one of his early cases in the Plymouth Superior Court, in which Judge Bixby (who presides in the local Police Court) was counsel for the defendant. It was the first case of the term and the court officer had been impressing the new jurymen with a sense of the dignity of the occasion. He had par ticularly cautioned them to stand when the court came, in accordance with the good old Bay State custom. Of course they forgot it and he had to prompt them with vigorous in structions to stand whenever the judge did. Proctor, for the plaintiff, put in his case and took his seat. When Judge Bixby, known to all the jurymen for years, arose and started toward the jury rail, the panel rose as one man and respectfully faced him. Court and counsel were convulsed, the court officer in despair, and the jurymen frightened, but Judge Bixby was equal to the occasion. "That's all right, friends. You needn't stand for me. That's for the big judge up there. I'm only the little judge. I stand for you." Whether home talent won the case, deponent saith not.

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Put in Plain United States. — It was in a case before the Supreme Court of Maine. A party had sued the Boston & Maine railroad to recover damages for personal injuries. The company's attorney, Mr. Yeaton, was exam ining the plaintiff, a rather illiterate man from one of the rural districts, and was endeavor ing, apparently, to confuse him. "Did you sustain an abrasion of the tibia?" he asked. The witness stared helplessly at his ques tioner. "I say," again ventured the attorney, "was there a contusion of scina?" The witness was ready to collapse, when his attorney, Lawyer Copeland, who had a voice like a megaphone, cried out: "He wants to know did he bark his shin." — Boston Herald. Sacred. — "Senator, I congratulate you. I understand you have been vindicated." "Triumphantly, Johnson. At the first trial the jury disagreed. At the second trial, my lawyers found a flaw in the indictment, and the case was thrown out of court." — Chi cago Tribune. Profane. — An elderly lady of extreme sensi bility and prudish notions on the subject of profanity called at one of our leading bird stores and purchased a parrot, on the express stipulation by the proprietor that the bird was guaranteed not to "swear." On taking the feathered creature home, and using her most persuasive endeavors to in duce it to talk, the bird promptly responded, — "Shut up, you d old fool." Being highly shocked at this procedure, the lady brought suit against the proprietor of the store, alleging in aggravation of damages, her extreme sensitiveness on the subject of profanity, and the injury to her moral finesse as a result of the above quoted language on the part of the bird. At the trial, the parrot was placed upon the stand; an officer of the court tickled its nose with a feather and the bird promptly re marked "damn." His honor facetiously in quired of a young attorney recently admitted to the Bar, "if it was not a good illustration Of what we term 'real evidence.' " The young attorney hastily replied, "Your Honor, it bet