Page:The Green Bag (1889–1914), Volume 15.pdf/158

 The IVit and Humor of Vagabonds.

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THE WIT AND HUMOR OF VAGABONDS. BY JOSEPH M. SULLIVAN.

HERE is no independence like that of UTHE As the ancient JL iimpecuniosity." writer gracefully expresses it,—cantabit vacnus coram latrone viator,—the emptytraveler will sing in the presence of the thief, so the vagabond stroller will laugh at the display of authority by mere judges and magistrates, and when cornered will use his ever-ready wit to extri cate himself from whatever trap the officers of the law may set for him. The ingenuity and learning of the vagabond are well known. He can hold ready conversation with prince and pauper, philosopher and fool, and the brilliancy of his conversation never seems to dim, notwithstanding his hardships and dissipation. He can detect a soft spot or sympathetic straw in the composition of a judge quicker than the most astute lawyers. I give herewith a few specimens of vaga bond wit and humor for the entertainment of the reader: "What is your nativity?" asked the magis trate. "I ain't got any, yir honor," said the blear-eyed vagrant; "the police took every thing I had." Judge H, who had been rather fast in his youth, took occasion one day after the jury had retired to ask a scamp what had become of all their former playmates. The rogue replied: "All hanged, my lord, 'cept you and me." When Brennan was confined in jail in Ire land on a charge of burglary, a banker, whose notes were not held in very high es teem in the community, paid him a visit, and sarcastically remarked that he was pleased to find him "at home." Brennan quickly re

plied: "My bankrupt caller, when everyone in the country refused your notes, I 'took' them." An itinerant player, possessed of more wit than money, was a short time ago driven by that hard master, hunger, to commit the crime of poaching in the neighborhood of Birmingham, and was, unluckily, detected in the act, and carried forthwith before a bench of magistrates, where the offense was fully proved. The knight of the buskin, however, being called on for his defence, astonished the learned justices by adapting Brutus's speech to the Romans on the death of Cae sar, to his case, in the following manner: "Britons, hungry men and epicures! Hear me for my cause, and be silent that you may hear; believe me for mine honor, and have respect to mine honor, that you may believe; censure me in your wisdom, and awake your senses that you may the better judge. If there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of this hare, to him I say that a player's love for hare is no less than his. If, then, that friend demand why a player rose against a hare, this is my answer:—Not that I loved hare less, but that I loved eating more. Had you rather this hare were living, and I had died starving, than that this hare were dead, that I might live, a jolly fellow? As this hare was pretty, I weep for him; as he was nimble, I rejoice at it; as he was plump, I honor him; but as he was eatable, I slew him." Here the gravity of the court was obliged to give way; prosecutors, spectators, and all burst into laughter at the ready wit displayed by the "poor actor," and the infor mation was withdrawn.