Page:The Green Bag (1889–1914), Volume 04.pdf/265

242 FACETIÆ.

In a Western city there dwelt a lawyer, crafty and subtle as a fox. An Indian of the Ute tribe named Simon owed him some money. The poor redraan brought the money to his creditor and waited, expecting the lawyer to write out a receipt. "What are you waiting for? " said the lawyer. "Receipt," said the Indian. "A receipt," said the lawyer, — " receipt! What do you know about a receipt? Can you under stand the nature of a receipt? Tell me the use of one and I will give it to you." The Indian looked at him a moment and then said : " S'pose maybe me die; me go to heben; me find gate locked; me see 'Postle Peter. He say, ' Simon, what you want?" Me want to get in.' He say, 'You pay Mr. J. that money?' What me do? Hab no receipt; hab to hunt all ober hell to find you." He got a receipt.

"Now repeat precisely what he said, using his own words." "He said he would git me fifty dollars if I —" "He can't have used those words. He did n't speak as a third person." "No, sah; he tuck good keer dat dar was no third pusson present. Dar was only two, — us two. De defendant am too smart ter hab anybody list'nin' when he am talking about his own reskelity." "1 know that well enough, but he spoke to you in the first person, did n't he?" "I was de fust pusson myself." "You don't understand me. When he was talk ing to you, did he use the words, ' I will pay you fifty dollars '?" "No, boss; he did n't say nuffin about you payin' me fifty dollars. Yore name was n't men tioned, 'ceptiiv dat he tole me ef eber I got inter a scrape dat you was de best lawyer in San Antone to fool de judge and jury. — in fac', you was the best lawyer in de town fer coverin' up any kind of reskelity." "You can step down."

In the county court at Toronto may be seen a venerable tar, who has found a haven in these legal precincts as a subordinate officer, after hav An amusing incident happened in a Southern ing been tossed on the ocean for many a year in city court the other day. A Jew was on the "Her Majesty's " service. Not long ago, when witness-stand testifying against a negro who had the hour for adjourning a sitting of the court had stolen a pair of pantaloons from his store. arrived, the crier was absent, and the judge, turn " How much are the pants worth? " asked Judge ing to the quondam mariner, said, " Captain, ad Thompson. journ the court." Trained to prompt obedience, "Well, Judge," responded the witness, " it dethe " captain " shouted in stentorian tones, " Oh 1 pends on the man who wants to buy them. I sell yes! oh yes! oh — yes — " But of the mystic them to one man for six dollars, to another for five formula no more came to his command. Not to dollars, but you can have them for four dollars." be foiled in the discharge of duty, he proceeded in "Sir," responded his honor, in a disgusted tone his own fashion : " Ladies and gentlemen, you may of voice, " I want you to tell me what those pants consider this here court adjourned. Clew up your sails and heave the anchor. You must all be here are worth." "Ah, Judge," said the Israelite, " take 'em for at ten o'clock Monday morning. We will then three dollars if four dollars don't suit you." weigh anchor and make sail. God save the "Look, here,'' thundered the judge, " if you Queen! " Astonished silence held all present for don't tell me the exact value of those pants, I will a moment, and then gave way to a peal of laughter, send you to jail for contempt of court." in which even "the court " was compelled to join. "Well, then, Judge," pleaded the obtuse wit ness in a most insinuating tone of voice, " take Jim Webster was being tried for trying to bribe 'em for two dollars. It is giving them away almost, but you can have 'em for two dollars." a colored witness, Sam Johnsing, to testify falsely. By this time the people in the court-room were "You say this defendant offered you a bribe of fifty dollars to testify in his behalf," said Lawyer convulsed with laughter, and the judge himself was obliged to forget his disgust and join heartily in the Gouge to Johnsing. laugh. He did not buy the " pants," however. "Yes, sah."