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 the oleomargarine outrages and the Lehigh Valley and Great Scott Coal Federation.

“‘It’s all right Andy,’ says I, ‘to drink the health of our brother monopolists, but don’t overdo the wassail. You know our most eminent and loathed multi-corruptionists live on weak tea and dog biscuits.’

“Andy went in the back room awhile and came out dressed in his best clothes. There was a kind of murderous and soulful look of gentle riotousness in his eye that I didn’t like. I watched him to see what turn the whiskey was going to take in him. There are two times when you never can tell what is going to happen. One is when a man takes his first drink; and the other is when a woman takes her latest.

“In less than an hour Andy’s skate had turned to an ice yacht. He was outwardly decent and managed to preserve his aquarium, but inside he was impromptu and full of unexpectedness.

“‘Jeff,’ says he, ‘do you know that I’m a crater—a living crater?’

“‘That’s a self-evident hypothesis,’ says I. ‘But you’re not Irish. Why don’t you say ‘creature,’ according to the rules and syntax of America?’

“‘I’m the crater of a volcano,’ says he. ‘I’m all aflame and crammed inside with an assortment of words and phrases that have got to have an exodus. I 12