Page:Strange Interlude (1928).djvu/166

160

impression of neurotic strain from her now, she seems nerveless and deeply calm.

[As if listening for something within her—joyfully]

There! that can’t be my imagination I felt it plainly  life  my baby  my only baby  the other never really lived  this is the child of my love! I love Ned! I’ve loved him ever since that first afternoon when I went to him  so scientifically!

[She laughs at herself]

Oh, what a goose I was! then love came to me in his arms  happiness! I hid it from him I saw he was frightened  his own joy frightened him  I could feel him fighting with himself  during all those afternoons  our wonderful afternoons of happiness! and I said nothing I made myself be calculating  so when he finally said  dreadfully disturbed  “Look here, Nina, we’ve done all that is necessary, playing with fire is dangerous”  I said, “You’re quite right, Ned, of all things I don’t want to fall in love with you!”

[She laughs]

He didn’t like that! he looked angry and afraid  then for weeks he never even phoned  I waited  it was prudent to wait  but every day I grew more terrified  then just as my will was breaking, his broke  he suddenly appeared again  but I held him to his aloof doctor’s pose and sent him away, proud of his will power  and sick of himself with desire for me! every week since then he’s been coming out here ... as my doctor we’ve talked about our child wisely, dispassionately  as if