Page:Sons and Lovers, 1913, Lawrence.djvu/358

346 “But it’s a nasty thing to get a glass of beer in your eyes.” said the mutual friend.

“I tell you I was glad he did,” said the barmaid. “Will you have another, Mr. Morel?”

She held up Paul’s glass questioningly. He nodded.

“He’s a man as doesn’t care for anything, is Baxter Dawes,” said one.

“Pooh! is he?” said the barmaid. “He’s a loud-mouthed one, he is, and they’re never much good. Give me a pleasant-spoken chap, if you want a devil!”

“Well, Paul, my lad,” said the friend, “you’ll have to take care of yourself now for a while.”

“You won’t have to give him a chance over you, that’s all,” said the barmaid.

“Can you box?” asked a friend.

“Not a bit,” he answered, still very white.

“I might give you a turn or two,” said the friend.

“Thanks, I haven’t time.”

And presently he took his departure.

“Go along with him, Mr. Jenkinson,” whispered the barmaid, tipping Mr. Jenkinson the wink.

The man nodded, took his hat, said “Good-night all!” very heartily, and followed Paul, calling:

“Half a minute, old man. You an’ me’s going the same road, I believe.”

“Mr. Morel doesn’t like it,” said the barmaid. “You’ll see, we shan’t have him in much more. I’m sorry; he’s good company. And Baxter Dawes wants locking up, that’s what he wants.”

Paul would have died rather than his mother should get to know of this affair. He suffered tortures of humiliation and self-consciousness. There was now a good deal of his life of which necessarily he could not speak to his mother. He had a life apart from her—his sexual life. The rest she still kept. But he felt he had to conceal something from her, and it irked him. There was a certain silence between them, and he felt he had, in that silence, to defend himself against her; he felt condemned by her. Then sometimes he hated her, and pulled at her bondage. His life wanted to free itself of her. It was like a circle where life turned back on itself, and got no farther. She bore him, loved him, kept him, and his love turned back into her, so that he could not be free to go forward with his own life, really love another woman. At this period, unknowingly, he