Page:Sons and Lovers, 1913, Lawrence.djvu/308

296 heart seemed almost to be bursting with the restraint he put on it. But he had decided, and it was irrevocable.

On the hills they sat down, and he lay with his head in her lap, whilst she fingered his hair. She knew that “he was not there,” as she put it. Often, when she had him with her, she looked for him, and could not find him. But this afternoon she was not prepared.

It was nearly five o’clock when he told her. They were sitting on the bank of a stream, where the lip of turf hung over a hollow bank of yellow earth, and he was hacking away with a stick, as he did when he was perturbed and cruel.

“I have been thinking,” he said, “we ought to break off.”

“Why?” she cried in surprise.

“Because it’s no good going on.”

“Why is it no good?”

“It isn’t. I don’t want to marry. I don’t want ever to marry. And if we’re not going to marry, it’s no good going on.”

“But why do you say this now?”

“Because I’ve made up my mind.”

“And what about these last months, and the things you told me then?”

“I can’t help it; I don’t want to go on.”

“You don’t want any more of me?”

“I want us to break off—you be free of me, I free of you.”

“And what about these last months?”

“I don’t know. I’ve not told you anything but what I thought was true.”

“Then why are you different now?”

“I’m not—I’m the same—only I know it’s no good going on.”

“You haven’t told me why it’s no good.”

“Because I don’t want to go on—and I don’t want to marry.”

“How many times have you offered to marry me, and I wouldn’t?”

“I know; but I want us to break off.”

There was silence for a moment or two, while he dug viciously at the earth. She bent her head, pondering. He was an unreasonable child. He was like an infant which, when it has drunk its fill, throws away and smashes the cup. She looked at him, feeling she could get hold of him and wring some consistency out of him. But she was helpless. Then she cried: