Page:Sons and Lovers, 1913, Lawrence.djvu/238

226 For all their talk down at his home there would not be much difference. She wished they would mind their own business.

“And you won’t think about it, and let it trouble you, will you?” he asked.

“Oh no,” replied Miriam, without looking at him.

He was silent. She thought him unstable. He had no fixity of purpose, no anchor of righteousness that held him.

“Because,” he continued, “a man gets across his bicycle—and goes to work—and does all sorts of things. But a woman broods.”

“No, I shan’t bother,” said Miriam. And she meant it.

It had gone rather chilly. They went indoors.

“How white Paul looks!” Mrs. Leivers exclaimed. “Miriam, you shouldn’t have let him sit out of doors. Do you think you’ve taken cold, Paul?”

“Oh no!” he laughed.

But he felt done up. It wore him out, the conflict in himself. Miriam pitied him now. But quite early, before nine o’clock, he rose to go.

“You’re not going home, are you?” asked Mrs. Leivers anxiously.

“Yes,” he replied. “I said I’d be early.” He was very awkward.

“But this is early,” said Mr. Leivers.

Miriam sat in the rocking-chair, and did not speak. He hesitated, expecting her to rise and go with him to the barn as usual for his bicycle. She remained as she was. He was at a loss.

“Well—good-night all!” he faltered.

She spoke her good-night along with all the others. But as he went past the window he looked in. She saw him pale, his brows knit slightly in a way that had become constant with him, his eyes dark with pain.

She rose and went to the doorway to wave good-bye to him as he passed through the gate. He rode slowly under the pine-trees, feeling a cur and a miserable wretch. His bicycle went tilting down the hills at random. He thought it would be a relief to break one’s neck.

Two days later he sent her up a book and a little note, urging her to read and be busy.

At this time he gave all his friendship to Edgar. He loved the family so much, he loved the farm so much; it was the dearest place on earth to him. His home was not so lovable. It was his mother. But then he would have been just as happy