Page:Sons and Lovers, 1913, Lawrence.djvu/234

222 never floundered in such a pitiable way. After all, it was he who was chiefly humiliated.

“What do you want?” she asked him.

“Why—I mustn’t come often–that’s all. Why should I monopolize you when I’m not—— You see, I’m deficient in something with regard to you——”

He was telling her he did not love her, and so ought to leave her a chance with another man. How foolish and blind and shamefully clumsy he was! What were other men to her! What were men to her at all! But he, ah! she loved his soul. Was he deficient in something? Perhaps he was.

“But I don’t understand,” she said huskily. “Yesterday——”

The night was turning jangled and hateful to him as the twilight faded. And she bowed under her suffering.

“I know,” he cried, “you never will! You’ll never believe that I can’t—can’t physically, any more than I can fly up like a skylark——”

“What?” she murmured. Now she dreaded.

“Love you.”

He hated her bitterly at that moment because he made her suffer. Love her! She knew he loved her. He really belonged to her. This about not loving her, physically, bodily, was a mere perversity on his part, because he knew she loved him. He was stupid like a child. He belonged to her. His soul wanted her. She guessed somebody had been influencing him. She felt upon him the hardness, the foreignness of another influence.

“What have they been saying at home?” he asked.

“It’s not that,” he answered.

And then she knew it was. She despised them for their commonness, his people. They did not know what things were really worth.

He and she talked very little more that night. After all he left her to cycle with Edgar.

He had come back to his mother. Hers was the strongest tie in his life. When he thought round, Miriam shrank away. There was a vague, unreal feel about her. And nobody else mattered. There was one place in the world that stood solid and did not melt into unreality: the place where his mother was. Everybody else could grow shadowy, almost non-existent to him, but she could not. It was as if the pivot and pole of his life, from which he could not escape, was his mother.

And in the same way she waited for him. In him was