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'Come, Doctor,' said a sinner to a clerical saint, 'I can give you a treat-a bottle of claret forty years old.' The doctor was in raptures, and eagerly accepted the invitation; when, to his dismay, the expected quart proved only to be a pint bottle. 'Waes me,' said he, taking it up in his hand, 'but it's unco wee of its age!'

When Nelson said to his men at Trafalgar, 'England expects every man to do his duty,' three Scotchmen who were standing at their guns exclaimed, 'He never mentioned poor Scotia;' but one of them suddenly recollecting himself, rejoined, His Lord ship is just coaxing the English; he knows Sandy will do his work when wanted, without coaxing.'

A short time since, an invalid sent for a physician; and, after detaining him for some time with a description of his pains, said, 'Now, doctor, you have humbugged me long enough with your good-for-nothing pills and worthless syrups; they don't touch the real difficulty. I wish you would strike the cause of my ailment, if it is in your power to reach it. It shall be done,' said the doctor, at the same time lifting his cane, and demolishing a decanter of spirits that stood upon the sideboard.

A man with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. You have lost,' says the first; I can see the two eyes in your face, and you can see only one in mine.'

An old clergyman was in the labit, as soon as he got into the pulpit, of placing his sermon in a crevice under the cushion, where he left it during the singiug of the accustomed psalm. One Sunday he pushed the sermon-book too far into the crevice, and lost it. When the psalm was concluded, he called the clerk to bring him a Bible. The clerk, somewhat astonished at this unusual request, brought him a Bible as he was desired. The clergyman opened it, and thus addressed his congregation-'My brethren, I have LOST MY SERMON; but I will read you a chapter in Job WORTH TEN OF IT.'

Mrs. Wagner having presented her husband with a daughter, he 'put it in the Times,' which was all very well; but we are not satisfied that he was called upon to add, her eleventh child,' unless he intended it as a warning to bachelors.