Page:Rudin - a novel (IA rudinnovel00turgrich).pdf/238

RUDIN a temporary home. Now I must take the chances of the rough world again. What will replace for me your conversation, your presence, your attentive and intelligent face? I myself am to blame; but admit that fate seems to have designed a jest at my expense. A week ago I did not even myself suspect that I loved you. The day before yesterday, that evening in the garden, I for the first time heard from your lips, but why remind you of what you said then? and now I am going away to-day. I am going away disgraced, after a cruel explanation with you, carrying with me no hope. And you do not know yet to what a degree I am to blame as regards you. I have such a foolish lack of reserve, such a weak habit of confiding. But why speak of this? I am leaving you for ever!’

(Here Rudin had related to Natalya his visit to Volintsev, but on second thoughts he erased all that part, and added the second postscript to his letter to Volintsev.)

‘I remain alone upon earth to devote myself, as you said to me this morning with bitter irony, to other interests more congenial to me. 200