Page:Rolland - Beethoven, tr. Hull, 1927.pdf/41

 being cut to the heart. In that dark hour he was on the verge of suicide. Only his strong moral force saved him. His final hopes of recovering his health disappeared. "Even the lofty courage which has hitherto sustained me has now. disappeared. O Providence, grant that but a single day of real happiness may be mine once again. I have been a stranger to the thrill of joy for so long. When, O God, when shall I feel joy once more? Ever again? No, that would be too cruel!"

This is indeed a cry of a torn heart, and Beethoven was destined to live yet twenty-five years longer. His powerful nature would not refuse to sink beneath the weight of his woe. My physical strength improves always with the growth of my intellectual force Yes, I really feel that my youth is only just beginning. Each day brings me nearer to my goal, which I can feel without being able to define clearly. O, if I were only free from my deafness I would embrace the world! No rest! At least, none that I know of except sleep; and I am so unhappy that I have to give more time to it than formerly. If only I could be free of a part of my