Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/87

Rh attended me to my late lodging, when, inquiring the amount of my debt, I was answered, "Not a penny." I stood amazed. "No," said my good-natured host, "not a penny. But pray what is the matter, where have you been, where are you going? O! dear, O! dear, these abominable Methodists have spoiled as clever a fellow, as ever broke bread; I suppose you think we are not good enough for you, and so you wish to leave us." I was greatly affected. Excuse me, sir; I do not believe myself a whit better than you; but, sir, I am afraid of myself. "Ah! you have no occasion: I am sorry you are going, upon my soul I am. You ought to stay and convert me." Ah! sir, it is God, who must convert both you, and me. We shed tears at parting; but our tears flowed from a different source. He wept, that he should no more be amused with the whim and frolic of a gay young man; I, that I had ever sojourned in his house. I was, however, suitably impressed by his kindness, although our intercourse from this moment entirely ceased. The following week, I obtained a situation, as one of the aids to an inspector of a broadcloth manufactory; I was glad to obtain employment at any rate. Yet it is a fact, I was never designed for a man of business. Nor was I fully satisfied with my associates; they were not in my way, and they, therefore, made me a subject of ridicule; this, to weak minds, is perhaps a species of persecution, of all others the most difficult to endure. I certainly suffered much from it; but, if I could obtain no satisfaction with them, I had the more, whenever I left them, which was upon the evening of every day, and the whole of Sunday. I was delighted by the consideration, that I was living by my own exertions, and in a way to discharge debts, which were a heavy burden upon my mind. I lived frugally, retrenching every superfluity, and uniformly denying myself all, but the absolute necessaries of life; and I had very soon the felicity of knowing, that I had no longer a creditor. This complete exoneration was followed by a newly revived and ecstatic hope, of being again admitted to my father's house, from which, I once feared, I was eternally excluded: And I deemed myself happy, beyond expression happy, upon comparing myself with those, among whom I was compelled to live; who were posting, without concern, in what I deemed the road to ruin, from which I had, by divine favour, been mercifully drawn; my bosom swelled with the most delightful sensations, while I frequently exclaimed, Lord, why me? Why take me, and leave these poor, unfortunate beings to perish in a state of sin, and misery? But such was the sovereign will and pleasure of my God; he would have mercy, on whom he would