Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/81

Rh large circles of friends successively engaging me, either abroad, or at home, in town, or in the country. Thus did my life exhibit a constant tissue of folly, and indiscretion. But the time of my emancipation drew near; a demand, which I had barely sufficient to answer, was made upon me by my tailor; I started, and stood for some time motionless. The money, which I believed would never be expended, was already gone. I saw no method of recruiting my finances, and I stood appalled, when, at this distressing moment, a gay companion broke in upon me; he was on his way to the Club; there was to be grand doings: John Wilkes, esquire, was that night to become a member. I instantly forgot every thing of a gloomy nature, and went off as light, as a feathered inhabitant of the air. I never was fond of the pleasures of the bottle, of social pleasures no one more so; and, that I might enjoy society with an unbroken zest, I have frequently thrown the wine under the table, rejoicing that I thus preserved my reason.

This period of my life had so much of variety, and yet so much of sameness, that a picture of a week would be nearly a complete exhibition of all my deviations. Suffice it to say, that I plunged into the vortex of pleasure, greedily grasping at enjoyments, which both my habits and my circumstances should have taught me to shun. Upon this subject I do not love to dwell; if possible, I would erase it from my recollection; and yet, I derive abundant satisfaction, from the manifestation of Divine Goodness, so strikingly exemplified, through the whole of my wanderings, in preserving me, by the strong arm of the Almighty, from numerous evils to which, in the society I frequented, and in the city where I resided, I was hourly exposed. But, as I said, necessity, imperious necessity, compelled me to pause; and it was, in truth, a blessed necessity. Had I been inclined to forget, that my whole stock was expended, the frequent calls made upon me for monies, which I could not pay, would have constituted a uniform, and impressive memento. My embarrassments were soon rumoured abroad; and although I had many friends, who appeared to regard money as little as myself, who, declaring they could not exist without me, insisted upon my being of their parties, yet a consciousness of dependence rendered me wretched, while indirect remarks, thrown out by some individuals, served to increase my wretchedness. Easter holy-days are, in England, days of conviviality. Parties of pleasure were every where forming. My connexions were hastening to my favourite retreat, Richmond; inclination led me to join them; but they either were not, or I suspected they were not, as usual, warm in their solicitations, and I declined a less