Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/64

54 she contemplated, at no very distant period, a union between Miss Little, and myself; and her consequent agony, when she learned, that I had not only abandoned my home, and those flattering prospects, but that, in consequence of my fixed determination to repair to England, she was to lose me, perhaps for ever; the torture of her mind was, as I said, beyond the reach of language: but neither her tears nor entreaties, strongly enforced by those of my brothers, and sisters, could for a single moment shake my resolution. Whatever barriers might oppose my wandering steps, to England I must depart; I saw, or seemed to see, the sacred shade of my father, first reproaching me, and then soothing me to a compliance with the wishes of his mourning family; and, by the anguish of my feelings, my soul was harrowed up: yet still, obdurate as I was, I continued inflexible. I could not endure to see, or be seen, in the vicinity of the abode which I had quitted; and I made immediate preparations for my departure. I tendered, to my disconsolate mother, the money I had received from Mr. Little, not a penny of which she would accept: "No, my beloved child, if you must launch out upon the wide ocean, into a world of which you know but little, you will find this sum, large as it is, far short of your exigencies. Through your filial exertions, I am established in a dwelling, far beyond my most sanguine expectations, or even wishes; and, from your well-timed efforts, I derive many other advantages; and if my God is about to deprive me of my son, I doubt not, His goodness and mercy, which have hitherto followed me, will still be manifest, both in my provision, and preservation; and in that of my helpless children." My heart seemed ready to burst; conscience whispered, I was acting wrong, very wrong; yet even this conviction could not induce a relinquishment of my plan; an irresistible impulse seemed hurrying me on. Many instances, striking instances, in my long and wearisome life, combine to prove, that the way of man is not in himself; I, at least, have experienced the truth of this sacred testimony. As the time of my departure drew near, my feelings were still more keen. My mother, my brothers, my sisters, my friends, renewed their tears, and entreaties; I could not stem a torrent so mighty, and I determined I would abide with them. But it was the determination of the moment, extorted by the mournful supplications of all who were dear to me; and when they ceased to urge, I resumed my former resolution; and my mother, from early life devoutly religious, mildly resigned herself to an event, which she considered inevitable. "I see,"