Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/50

40 was deposited, was thrown over the coffin. But no words can describe my agonizing, my terrific sensations, when I reflected upon the charge which had devolved upon me. I remembered my father's words, on the evening preceding his exit, and I felt myself reduced to the necessity of assuming his place in the family; but how much was I to suffer by comparison with him, whose place I was appointed to fill: yet, had I wished to avoid entering upon my office, my mother, the friends of my father, would have borne testimony against me. They thronged around me, they entreated me immediately to take charge of the family, and to commence my arduous task by devout supplications to Almighty God. I complied with their united wishes; but no tongue can utter, no language can delineate the strong emotions of my soul: again I was convulsed, again I agonized; the whole family were inexpressibly affected. It was the most melancholy evening I had ever experienced; but my benighted spirit was suddenly refreshed, by a ray of consolation, emitted by the cheering hope, that my father's God would be my God, and that the fervent prayers he had offered up, in my behalf, would be answered in my favour. I was encouraged too by my mother, and by the friends of my father, who besought the Lord in my behalf, and who were daily reminding me of the interest, which my deceased parent unquestionably had with the prayer-hearing God.

Yet, although soothed, and greatly stimulated, my new employment continued to distress, and appal my spirit. The conviction of every day assured me, that I was unequal to the arduous task I had undertaken. My mother was my ever-ready aid and counsellor; but my brothers and sisters always remembered, that I was not their father; and they were highly displeased, whenever I presumed to exercise over them paternal authority; yet this I believed to be my duty, and, that I might be in every thing like my father, I took up the rod of correction, seriously chastising my brother, for the purpose of restoring him to the narrow path, from which he had wandered. But, although I had learned of my father to use the rod, I never could make it answer the same purpose; in my hand, it only served to increase the evil, it became the signal of revolt; and, while my brother continued incorrigible, my other brothers, and my sisters, enlisted on his side. My mother, dear honoured sufferer, was exceedingly distressed; she had in fact a difficult part to act; she was fearful, whichever side she might espouse, would, by creating new irritation, make bad, worse, and yet, upon an occasion so interesting, we would not allow her to be silent, she must