Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/36

26 considered him the Apostle of the age: and I experienced a reverential awe in his presence; yet there were points in his conduct, which excited my wonder, and which, in any other character, I should not have hesitated to pronounce wrong; but I should have believed it criminal even to suspect that he could err. My Religion was becoming more and more formal, it seemed a body without a soul. Sometimes indeed, when listening to a lively, warm-hearted preacher, I was made most keenly to feel the poverty of my condition; that, while I was believed rich, and increasing in goods, having need of nothing, I was in truth miserably poor, blind, and naked. This consideration often rendered me very sad, I suffered much, and, in proportion as I appeared to suffer, I became the object of respectful attention. Glooms, and melancholy, were considered as infallible signs of a gracious disposition, not only by my father, but by all my religious connexions. One of our preachers used to say, he had rather be in the company of a thousand Demons, than ten laughing persons! Unfortunately for the maintenance of my standing in the society, my sadness was not uniform, and, preserving no medium, I always became gay in full proportion to my previous depression: and, in truth, cheerfulness was becoming the prevailing temper of my mind, and I know not how long it might have continued so, if I had not observed, to my great consternation, that I was daily losing ground in the estimation of my associates. This conviction banished my dangerous vivacity, and restored my respectability. I now sedulously avoided society, and frequently envied those who were released from this dangerous world. I have often, after a night of suffering, risen with the dawn, and entering the church-yard, have passed hours there, contemplating the happy state of those who were lodged in their narrow house, and ardently longing to be as they were. Even my father began to fear, that I was rapidly declining, and by his consequent tenderness I was beyond expression touched.

I cannot now determine how long this frame of mind continued, but this I know, that it lasted long enough to gain me more reputation, both at home and abroad, than I had lost; there was such a variety in my feelings, the changes in my spirit from sad to gay, from gay to sad, were so frequent, that I had of course far more experience, than any other person of my age. The young, when under awakenings, always resorted to me for comfort and information, while the old hung with delight on my narrations: the prayers of my father obtained due