Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/124

114 not be angry with me for leaving such a world, in such circumstances; the opposition of reason seemed to result from the prejudices of education; "and," said illusive fancy, "as it is appointed for all men once to die, to do that to-day, which I may do to-morrow, and what I must shortly do, cannot be very wrong." It is true, my monitor assured me, that the God, who had created me, was the only proper judge of the exact moment, when I ought to be removed out of time; that He best knew what benefit might accrue to myself, or the community, by my longer continuance in this vale of tears; yet these remarks, with many more of the same description, were not sufficiently imposing to endow me with resolution still to "abide the pelting of the pitiless storm;" and I determined to finish my wretched existence, before the dawning of another morning. This was indeed a night of horror; but, in the moment of executing my fatal, my God-dishonouring purpose, the image of my Eliza, irradiating the prison walls, seemed to stand before me. She appeared as if commissioned by Heaven to soothe my tortured spirit. I prostrated myself before the perhaps imaginary vision, and, for the first moment since I had occupied this dreary abode, my heart softened, and a shower of tears came to my relief; yea, and I was relieved. My soul became calm, and, although every hope from this world was extinct in my bosom, yet I believed I should be better able to accommodate myself, to whatever sufferings the Almighty might think proper to inflict. I passed the remainder of the night in endeavouring to fortify my mind; a pleasing melancholy took possession of my spirit. I drew consolation from remembering, the time of suffering was not long; that there was a rest, a life of uninterrupted felicity, beyond the grave; that of this rest, this life, no power on earth could deprive me; and that I ought therefore quietly to wait, and patiently to hope, for the salvation of my God. Thus, although my night had been sleepless, my mind became so calm, and my spirit so greatly refreshed, that when the keeper opened the door in the morning, to inform me, that in three hours he should lodge me in Newgate, I answered with unaffected composure: I am ready, sir.

In less than an hour, however, I had a new source of inquietude. My brother, William Neale, having received a hint of the arrest, had searched from place to place, until at length finding me, with tears of sympathy he reproached me, even in the presence of the woman, for not immediately summoning him to my relief. This female turnkey, observing the appearance of my brother, and the feeling manner, in which he addressed me, began to hope, notwithstanding what she had termed my