Page:Records of the Life of the Rev. John Murray.djvu/115

Rh renting two houses. I took lodgings at a small distance from town, returning myself every day to London. The disorder advanced with terrific strides; my soul was tortured; every time I approached her chamber, even the sigh, which proclaimed she still lived, administered a melancholy relief. This was indeed a time of sorrow and distress, beyond what I had ever before known; I have been astonished how I existed through such scenes. Surely, in every time of trouble, God is a very present help. I was obliged to remove the dear creature, during her reduced situation, the house in which I had taken lodgings being sold; but I obtained for her a situation about four miles from town. The scenes around her new lodgings were charming; she seemed pleased, and I was delighted. For a few days we believed her better, and again I experienced all the rapture of hope. My difficulties, however, were many; I was necessitated to pass my days in London; could I have continued with her, it would have been some relief. But as my physician gave me no hope, when I parted from her in the morning, I was frequently terrified in the dread of meeting death on my return. Often, for my sake, did the sweet angel struggle to appear relieved, but, alas! I could discern it was a struggle, and my anguish became still more poignant. To add to my distresses, poverty came in like a flood. I had my house in town, a servant there; the doctor, the apothecary, the nurse, the lodgings in the country; every thing to provide; daily passing, and repassing. Truly my heart was very sore. I was friendless. My religious friends had, on my hearing and advocating the doctrines, preached by all God's holy prophets ever since the world began, become my most inveterate foes. Our grandfather was under the dominion of the woman I had introduced to him, who had barred his doors against us; the heart of our younger brother was again closed, and, as if angry with himself for the concessions he had made, was more than ever estranged; and even our elder brother, who in every situation had for a long season evinced himself my faithful friend, had forsaken us! I had, most indiscreetly, ventured to point out some errors in the domestic arrangements of his wife, which I believed would eventuate in his ruin, and he so far resented this freedom, as to abandon all intercourse with me. Among Mr. Relly's acquaintance I had no intimates, indeed hardly an acquaintance; I had suffered so much from religious connexions, that I had determined, as much as possible, to stand aloof, during the residue of my journey through life. Thus was I circumstanced, when the fell destroyer of my peace aimed his most deadly shafts at the bosom of a being, far dearer to me than my existence.