Page:Randolph, Paschal Beverly; Eulis! the history of love.djvu/123

118 pair of exceedingly large peeled onions, or two burnt holes in a blanket: which experience satisfied me once for all, and led me to wonder if that was the best brand of Reformer's whiskey, what could be the quality of the article served out down below. I failed to see wherein whiskey was a high moral motor.

While trying to catch my breath, I overheard one saint counsel another to get me to orate, and both spoke of me in such opprobrious terms as would have fired me with indignant anger without the additional damnable stimulus of the rankly poison draught. Ten minutes afterward, against my will, I took the stand «and spoke my piece, just as we Randolphs are accustomed to, and dealt out justice to my traducers; for doing which, and differing from them about what constitutes manhood, the leading saints proposed to silence me, demonstrate their sainthood, and end the dispute by cool, calm, deliberate, premeditated, by drowning me in the river hard by. They did not attempt it, because when they proposed it my hand slid round to my hip-pocket, and cowards seldom attack a well-armed man. This experience satisfied me that, until people are really spiritual, it is best to be always prepared with carnal logic to withstand their material arguments. I have alluded to these things to make a point in my book, and not because the savages who proposed to murder me are worth the slightest notice, but solely, only and for the express purpose of making two remarks; the first is this: that the world needs something better than it has now before Reform will be a thing of heart and conduct, instead of empty words as at present; and second, to point out the characteristics of certain salacious and other self-assumed "Reformers." Of course, your pseudo-philosopher is never a full, round, genial, or generous man; but will invariably be found, on close examination, to partake largely of the hang-dog, sneak-thief, and lecherous look. They are generally moderately tall, thin, spare males, who, as a rule, have larger, but more ill-shaped and angular, heads, than either large, fat, or little-bodied men. The same holds true of females—such as delight in breaking up families, creating scandal, and ruining other people by slanderous tongues or innuendo. Husbands, wives, be very chary of entertaining guests of either sex thus made up; else